The weather is so cold, and so are we.

Today is December 8, a day Typhoon Ruby hits the Southern Luzon, Philippines. It is dangerous to go outside, hence, classes are suspended, and some offices too. You can hear the sound of raindrops falling from the roof. Land is watery. The weather is so cold, really cold.

My mother insisted not to go to the office. I obeyed her, not because of the weather condition, but because of the people, I will see if I did a report on work. Gossips everywhere; unhealthy judgments and prejudices--they are conceited, and I hate the place I am working.

Since I have started working, I feel that my life has been wasting. I haven't been doing meaningful things. I haven't even enjoyed the gift of life. Yes, I have money but my psychological health is at stake. I know, not all the time, the office is burning like hell. There are calm before storm too! But, let's admit it. I am not free. I am not happy.

The remedy for the sadness is you. You have cheered me to keep moving and continue fighting. You have been there when I needed a companion when I needed to go outside and breathe the air. You have been the source of my daily dose of oxytocin and I feel so happy whenever you asked me what happened that day or greeted me every morning. I have felt loved. I have felt that I am needed.

Looking back, before I entered into a relationship, I had a carefree mind. I was contented with who I was and appreciated the simple things and acts of kindness. I would not rely on my happiness to other people. I would make myself happy and loved. I would not mind being ugly as long as I'm happy. I guess when you have someone whom you call as a partner, your expectation to him/her would become high. You'll crave for his/her attention and care. Eventually, you will depend on him.

That's faulty. I should not give almost everything to him. I should not depend on him, that is why I'm hurting. I don't know when is the time he stopped caring.  I don't know when's the time he started to ignore me and neglect. I started to wait for his texts and calls. Wall of texts became a one-liner message. Frequent calls become occasional.  Telling problems to him wasn't a good idea since he is also busy with his life. He stops inviting me to meet his friends. I stop making the first move. I let him initiate the conversation first. I let him do what he wants. I stop expecting. I learn to reminisce our firsts instead of making new memories.  I don't know how and when he started to change. Or maybe, I can't feel his love anymore.

Being single means you are only accountable to thyself. Having a partner means doubling the responsibility. What you do in a relationship has an impact on your partner. Love is not selfish. Just because you want to do this, does not mean you really should do that. You need to consider other people's feelings. Compromise, communication, understanding, trust, and honesty--all of these are essential to a relationship.

Let's be honest. That is all I want. Why did you change? Where did the 'you' whom I love go? Is it me who change for worse or you only just show your real personality (like what you had said). Are we really drifting apart? Don't you find me attractive anymore? Are you still happy? Why are you so moody? Are you forced to love me because you have started it and you just don't know how to end it? Did you pursue me because there was no other choice?

Having a work that exhausts you to death plus being in a relationship where you think is faulty... is too much. I can't handle the stress anymore. I want to talk to you, actually, we did, but after the conversation, there is no change. I want to clear up things, for me to know if I should hold on to you and to these fucking feelings or just accept the fact that love really fades. I still love you that is why I am writing this--to raise my thoughts to you and reach your walls.

Again, let's admit it. I am not really happy. The thought of you leaving me is destructively killing me. I am not secure to your love because you are not showing it (or I cannot feel it). Maybe I am just a hungry kid who needs to be fed by your love.

I still want this relationship to grow. I still want you. But I need to take care of my heart too, I need to know whether I should move on or still hold on to you. Today is our monthsary, yet no one has the gut to greet each other. And that is sad. Drama everywhere. But, no matter how we hate to confront this drama, we still need to face it and fix things.


Let's be honest. That is all I want. You can also say what you want, for me to know your feelings. I also hate this drama, but we need to bring this up.

This coming year, I want to let go of all of the unhealthy things. I want to be myself again, the Banunay who is full of energy and confidence. I want to laugh again like there is no tomorrow. I want to think that life is wonderful.

And I want to start with you.

Breakups are everywhere. The main reason is because they stop caring and stop communicating. Do we want to be like them? I don't.

Let's be honest. That is all I want. Tell what you really want to say, even if someone will be hurt. Don't lie. Don't hold back. You are loved by me so I'll embrace any imperfection of you. Just tell the truth and be honest. Tell me how you really feel. I don't want to doubt you anymore.

Remember the last time we talked? You cried, didn't you? Why? I  want to ask you why but there were too many people and I did not want to create a scene. And I think the issue isn't sinking. You also said after that 'the feelings can be restored'? Did your feeling was deleted so it needed to be restored?


Let's be honest. You said that the number one rule in love is 'you cannot love someone who doesn't love you'. Going back to us, do you just love me because I love you? Or you love me because you do and not because I love you? Those two are different.

Let's be honest. I am also tired of doubting myself and your love. I want to believe that you love me more and that you just find me less attractive. I want to believe but how? Please teach me. Help me believe in everything you say.

Let's be honest. Tell me everything so that my heart will be at peace. After this conversation, I want to love you wholeheartedly, without anything at the back of my mind (if only you want to continue this). I will be confident enough to wash away the thought that you aren't trying anymore and that you stopped loving me.  Life is too short to entertain unhealthy thoughts. I want to live and grow.


Let's be honest. Let's love imperfections. Let's talk.


Today is December 8, a day Typhoon Ruby hits the Southern Luzon, Philippines. It is dangerous to go outside, hence, classes are suspended, and some offices too. I didn't go to the office and I feel so happy. For a day, I don't need to pretend that I did not hear their hurtful and disrespectful words. For a day, I didn't see their faces. For a day, I breathe the air without any chock. For a day, I live without pretension.

Today is December 8, a day Typhoon Ruby hits the Southern Luzon, Philippines. Today is also our 4th monthsary. I did not go to the office that is why I had the time to think, reflect, and write this article. For a day, I become true to myself. I let my pain and frustrations become words. For a day, I feel so real and alive. For today, I become honest with my feelings--I really am lonely (lonely of love), didn't I?

Today is December 8, a day Typhoon Ruby hits the Southern Luzon, Philippines. Today is also our 4th monthsary. Do you remember it? Do you remember the day I told you 'yes' although I was so scared of love and pain? You said you'd take care of my heart. You said it, didn't you?

Today is December 8, a day Typhoon Ruby hits the Southern Luzon, Philippines. Today is also our 4th monthsary. So happy monthsary! :) How are you? Is it raining in your area? Are you still sleeping? Are you feeling cold? Do you need a hug too?

Today is December 8, a day Typhoon Ruby hits the Southern Luzon, Philippines. I feel so cold. The weather is so cold, and so are we.


♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

All Mixed Up

I'm sad right now. No, angry is the right word. I got offended by my senior. She did not respect me and my pride got hurt. Do you think i'm that dense? how come you're like that? You're 40 plus, why do you behave like you're 10 years old? Why do resort to that behavior. I really really hate what you've done. You are so unprofessional! How can i respect you if you, yourself, don;t know how to treat others humanely. I don't know why am i here in such environment. I'm sick of that place. why am i forcing myself? I want to be free. I want to leave that company.


To destress from the toxic incident, here i am, joining the bandwagon and looking for signs. This is it:

1.) Put your Itunes, Windows Media Player,etc. on shuffle.
2.) For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3.) YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4.) Tag 20 friends.
5.) Everyone tagged has to do the same thing
6.) Have fun!



1.) IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY', YOU SAY?
Aozora no namida

2.) HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Decode - Paramore

3.)WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Break Apart Her Heart – Good Charlotte

4.) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
When I Grow Up – Pussycat Dolls

5.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
This Masquerade - Carpenters

6.)WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
T-Shirt - Shontelle

7.) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
I Miss You - Incubus

8.) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Trouble Is A Friend - Lenka

9.) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Aozora Pedal - Arashi

10.) WHAT IS 2+2?
Our First Time – Bruno Mars

11.) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Smile – Avril Lavigne

12.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
One Fine Day – The Chiffons

13.) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
If You Seek Amy – Britney Spears

14.)WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Heaven – Bryan Adams

15.) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
We Walk – The Ting Tings

16.) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Not About Love – Fiona Apple

17.) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Wiah Donna Cruz and Jason Everly

18.)WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Basta’t Kasama Kita – Gary Valencia

19.) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Here is Gone – The Goo Goo Dolls

20.)WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Welcome to My Life – Simple Plan

21.) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Love Story – Taylor Swift

22.)WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS NOTE?
All Mixed Up - 311

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Oh how fast time flies!

Hi, blog!

I missed yoooou!

I miss writing here.

I miss everything.

It's been so loooong.

Everything has changed. Everything--the way I talk, the way I think, the way I move, the way I behave. Oops, not really. I'm still me, a lost girl who needs to figure out what she really wants. A coward girl who dreams big but doesn't make any move to achieve it. A pessimist girl who wants to experience everything but accomplishes nothing. A quitter. A loser. An ordinary girl. A typical girl who you won't notice when passing the streets.

Yay, that's me. Too much for putting myself down. I graduated from a prestigious university a month ago. I applied for jobs and got rejected too. I have my hopes and dreams shattered because you know, real-world is evil. You thought after college, it's the end? NO. A BIG NO. You should not become complacent and get high hopes from all the congratulations you received from the people around you. It shouldn't be only 'congratulations', they should add 'good luck' or 'welcome'. I repeat, this is not the end of the story; this is just a beginning. College is just a training ground for you to grow and for you to become strong. It prepares you for the bigger, wilder, and harsher world. Yes! That so-called real world.

I'm a quitter, at times (haha one proof is the previous blog post that I didn't finish. Well, that one was the internet's fault. The net corrupted and bang, my post was ruined. hihi. And I didn't want to repeat my drama, hello that was emotional torture, so hey there, enough was enough). And if I could, I would also quit and end this game. I just want to go back to college and study and study. I don't want these changes that are happening to me (or should I say, I'm not yet ready for this). huhu courage, where are you????

Actually, I already have a job (I will start next week), but still, I am afraid. My employers have high expectations of me. I came from the premier university of the country so they think that I am a smart kiddo. Oooh, how I wish. T.T but... but... but... I don't want to fail them. Don't pressure me. Don't expect, or else you'll get disappointed. :(

Oh, how fast time flies. Back in my elementary and high school days, I was on the top, but now, I am just an average girl trying to be as competitive as others. Oh how time flies, I missed the feeling of not minding everything. I hate what I am becoming--always comparing the self to others. =_=


But, sighhhhhhhhhh, okay that's it. Here's a picture to remind myself that it is alright to become an average (or the-not-so-smart-gal), I should focus more on my accomplishments. Because I was too busy comparing myself to other people, I forgot the very essence of life, at least I'm moving. I'm closer to my dreams than in the past. I have traveled far and is still traveling. Although there are humps and obstacles on the way, I won't stop moving until I die. Progress and self-growth are good for my health :)

 ♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Graduation blues...

I know it's been so long since I last wrote in this blog. I have so many stories to tell to you--emotions want to release, thoughts want to be voiced out, everything~ but but but I don't know how to put those things into words, or should I say, I just don't want to admit that I'm feeling this way. This feeling, I don't know.

I'm not happy nor contented. I'm not even excited that I'm about to graduate in UP. I don't know why I feel this way. I am supposed to feel positive because, after 4 years of suffering and hard work, I made it to graduate.

I am not graduating with honors. I regret it. I know that I have potentials and I know I can exert more effort than what I have given. I settle for less. I did things because those were needed but I didn't give my everything to accomplish those. I took exams without reviewing. Wrote crammed and nonsense research papers. Attended classes late, and worse, cut classes. Came to class with a hangover. Did reports and PowerPoint presentations hours before the actual presentation. Passed papers days after deadlines. Sighhh...  I did orgwork first before acads. I gave importance to immediate rewards and happy time than to personal growth and development. I regret everything. I did not balance my time well. Why am I so irresponsible?

I know I can do better. I also know that I should not dwell in the past. What's done is done. I cannot rewind everything and redo things. I should pay for the price because I did not give my best at that time. Everything is wasted. I dreamt of marching with flying colors, but I became airhead, I thought that I can do everything without exerting effort. I really deserve this.

I know I should be thankful because I am graduating on time. But I cannot. The regrets are hunting me. I cannot even smile nor congratulate people who have titles after their names were called. I envy them. I really feel sad whenever I think that most of my colleagues have Latin honors. It is really sad.

The second thing that saddens me is my family. I cannot their presence especially my dad. I know Mama did a lot of things just to support my studies and make me graduate but Papa did nothing. All he ever did was to complain, or nothing at all--he just sits in the corner pretending to think but not. I hate his silence.

My parents are not the expressive type


♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥