The weather is so cold, and so are we.

Today is December 8, a day Typhoon Ruby hits the Southern Luzon, Philippines. It is dangerous to go outside, hence, classes are suspended, and some offices too. You can hear the sound of raindrops falling from the roof. Land is watery. The weather is so cold, really cold.

My mother insisted not to go to the office. I obeyed her, not because of the weather condition, but because of the people, I will see if I did a report on work. Gossips everywhere; unhealthy judgments and prejudices--they are conceited, and I hate the place I am working.

Since I have started working, I feel that my life has been wasting. I haven't been doing meaningful things. I haven't even enjoyed the gift of life. Yes, I have money but my psychological health is at stake. I know, not all the time, the office is burning like hell. There are calm before storm too! But, let's admit it. I am not free. I am not happy.

The remedy for the sadness is you. You have cheered me to keep moving and continue fighting. You have been there when I needed a companion when I needed to go outside and breathe the air. You have been the source of my daily dose of oxytocin and I feel so happy whenever you asked me what happened that day or greeted me every morning. I have felt loved. I have felt that I am needed.

Looking back, before I entered into a relationship, I had a carefree mind. I was contented with who I was and appreciated the simple things and acts of kindness. I would not rely on my happiness to other people. I would make myself happy and loved. I would not mind being ugly as long as I'm happy. I guess when you have someone whom you call as a partner, your expectation to him/her would become high. You'll crave for his/her attention and care. Eventually, you will depend on him.

That's faulty. I should not give almost everything to him. I should not depend on him, that is why I'm hurting. I don't know when is the time he stopped caring.  I don't know when's the time he started to ignore me and neglect. I started to wait for his texts and calls. Wall of texts became a one-liner message. Frequent calls become occasional.  Telling problems to him wasn't a good idea since he is also busy with his life. He stops inviting me to meet his friends. I stop making the first move. I let him initiate the conversation first. I let him do what he wants. I stop expecting. I learn to reminisce our firsts instead of making new memories.  I don't know how and when he started to change. Or maybe, I can't feel his love anymore.

Being single means you are only accountable to thyself. Having a partner means doubling the responsibility. What you do in a relationship has an impact on your partner. Love is not selfish. Just because you want to do this, does not mean you really should do that. You need to consider other people's feelings. Compromise, communication, understanding, trust, and honesty--all of these are essential to a relationship.

Let's be honest. That is all I want. Why did you change? Where did the 'you' whom I love go? Is it me who change for worse or you only just show your real personality (like what you had said). Are we really drifting apart? Don't you find me attractive anymore? Are you still happy? Why are you so moody? Are you forced to love me because you have started it and you just don't know how to end it? Did you pursue me because there was no other choice?

Having a work that exhausts you to death plus being in a relationship where you think is faulty... is too much. I can't handle the stress anymore. I want to talk to you, actually, we did, but after the conversation, there is no change. I want to clear up things, for me to know if I should hold on to you and to these fucking feelings or just accept the fact that love really fades. I still love you that is why I am writing this--to raise my thoughts to you and reach your walls.

Again, let's admit it. I am not really happy. The thought of you leaving me is destructively killing me. I am not secure to your love because you are not showing it (or I cannot feel it). Maybe I am just a hungry kid who needs to be fed by your love.

I still want this relationship to grow. I still want you. But I need to take care of my heart too, I need to know whether I should move on or still hold on to you. Today is our monthsary, yet no one has the gut to greet each other. And that is sad. Drama everywhere. But, no matter how we hate to confront this drama, we still need to face it and fix things.


Let's be honest. That is all I want. You can also say what you want, for me to know your feelings. I also hate this drama, but we need to bring this up.

This coming year, I want to let go of all of the unhealthy things. I want to be myself again, the Banunay who is full of energy and confidence. I want to laugh again like there is no tomorrow. I want to think that life is wonderful.

And I want to start with you.

Breakups are everywhere. The main reason is because they stop caring and stop communicating. Do we want to be like them? I don't.

Let's be honest. That is all I want. Tell what you really want to say, even if someone will be hurt. Don't lie. Don't hold back. You are loved by me so I'll embrace any imperfection of you. Just tell the truth and be honest. Tell me how you really feel. I don't want to doubt you anymore.

Remember the last time we talked? You cried, didn't you? Why? I  want to ask you why but there were too many people and I did not want to create a scene. And I think the issue isn't sinking. You also said after that 'the feelings can be restored'? Did your feeling was deleted so it needed to be restored?


Let's be honest. You said that the number one rule in love is 'you cannot love someone who doesn't love you'. Going back to us, do you just love me because I love you? Or you love me because you do and not because I love you? Those two are different.

Let's be honest. I am also tired of doubting myself and your love. I want to believe that you love me more and that you just find me less attractive. I want to believe but how? Please teach me. Help me believe in everything you say.

Let's be honest. Tell me everything so that my heart will be at peace. After this conversation, I want to love you wholeheartedly, without anything at the back of my mind (if only you want to continue this). I will be confident enough to wash away the thought that you aren't trying anymore and that you stopped loving me.  Life is too short to entertain unhealthy thoughts. I want to live and grow.


Let's be honest. Let's love imperfections. Let's talk.


Today is December 8, a day Typhoon Ruby hits the Southern Luzon, Philippines. It is dangerous to go outside, hence, classes are suspended, and some offices too. I didn't go to the office and I feel so happy. For a day, I don't need to pretend that I did not hear their hurtful and disrespectful words. For a day, I didn't see their faces. For a day, I breathe the air without any chock. For a day, I live without pretension.

Today is December 8, a day Typhoon Ruby hits the Southern Luzon, Philippines. Today is also our 4th monthsary. I did not go to the office that is why I had the time to think, reflect, and write this article. For a day, I become true to myself. I let my pain and frustrations become words. For a day, I feel so real and alive. For today, I become honest with my feelings--I really am lonely (lonely of love), didn't I?

Today is December 8, a day Typhoon Ruby hits the Southern Luzon, Philippines. Today is also our 4th monthsary. Do you remember it? Do you remember the day I told you 'yes' although I was so scared of love and pain? You said you'd take care of my heart. You said it, didn't you?

Today is December 8, a day Typhoon Ruby hits the Southern Luzon, Philippines. Today is also our 4th monthsary. So happy monthsary! :) How are you? Is it raining in your area? Are you still sleeping? Are you feeling cold? Do you need a hug too?

Today is December 8, a day Typhoon Ruby hits the Southern Luzon, Philippines. I feel so cold. The weather is so cold, and so are we.


♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥