Long hiatus after i shut my heart down

The best version of myself--

I don't know how to start this blog entry. To be honest, I have so many things in my mind. I wanted to write down everything way before this moment but I couldn't because I don't know where to start nor couldn't put these into words.

I'm actually feeling better now that we separated ways. I think the break up happened last March was really for the best. I regained myself. I don't depend on my happiness to other people anymore. I appreciate life as it unfolds naturally. I don't need to wait for his texts anymore. I finally know my worth, that I shouldn't settle for someone who doesn't really care for me.

Actually, someone is pursuing me as of the moment. Unfortunately, I think I am not yet ready to enter a new relationship. To be honest, the reason why I couldn't open my heart to the new guy is that my ex still has a tiny place in my heart. Yes, you read it right, I still love him a little but not to the point that I would go to him and beg for his love. I thought I was totally over him, but one night, when everyone was asleep and the world was silent, it was him that I dreamt. We were on a date like everything has just happened yesterday. I was happy with him and comfortable. We exchanged stories. It felt so real. I missed him.

It hit me. Before that dream, I was so sure to give this new guy a chance. He adores me, maybe. He expresses his liking to me. We exchange conversations and gradually, I notice myself smiling while reading his replies. Then, I suddenly paused, this is so familiar, exchanging messages every day, smiling to the conversations, the mushy compliments, unlimited good mornings/afternoons/evenings. I know where these lead. Long before I realize, I'll be starting to lose my wall, open up, and expose myself. Eventually, my heart will finally give in. I'm scared. I told him,

"Ang galing mo mambola ah, narinig ko na 'yan. Sa umpisa lang 'yan! Tapos kapag na-attach na yung girl, aalis na. Mga modus operandi niyo." 

"Uy hindi ako ganun ha. Na-attach ka na?"

Minutes passed and I still hadn't replied.

"Hindi ah"

"Sabi ko nga. Nag-a-assume ako e. Pero ako, naa-attach na sa'yo..."

The thing is, I want to fall in love again, but I am too afraid to let a person comes to my life the way my ex did. I am scared that when they get to know me, they'll just discover that I am not that great. He said I am so strong and cool, but the truth is I am weak. I am emotional but I love people deeply. That is why it is so scary to fall into the familiar trap again and let people know your weakness.

I needed months just to be happy like this again. I traveled to new places, I climbed mountains just to be back to my original wiring--just to be this happy. I am healed but the scars are still there, still fresh--just a scratch and they will bleed again.

I am alone but not lonely (sometimes). I have so many friends to accompany me and I am studying Masters to make myself busy. However, the wedding I attended last Saturday made me realize that I'm depriving myself of love. The new guy clearly told me, he wants to court me. He knows I want a serious relationship. He is fully aware that I am not the girl who likes to fool around and play games with someone's heart. I don't want to waste my time and effort on someone who I don't see myself in the future. But, I don't know if he could make me happy because first and foremost, I haven't given him a chance to let him do that. I'm not being fair maybe--to him and to myself.

I got the garter. Yes, on the wedding last Saturday--the traditional ritual to determine who will be the next bride. So, am I the next one to get married? Even without a groom? The moment was somewhat awkward, I was not comfortable that a stranger was kneeling down doing strange things on my legs. On the other hand, attending wedding ceremonies like this makes me want to dream again, that there is someone out there worthy to take the risk. Maybe, someone is capable of loving me? I don't think I am that unwanted. Honestly, I have so many love to give like potential energy waiting for a trigger to be converted as kinetic. The thoughts of walking down the aisle, dressed up, wearing a beautiful elegant white gown, going towards with the special man waiting for me at the altar, tears me up. Sure, I am hopeless romantic, and maybe, someone out there will get to notice that and make my dream comes true.

As per the new guy, I still want to give him a chance, but maybe, there is just no magic [yet], or we really just didn't click that much (or I just really didn't give him a chance after all because I am still drunk with the past.) I mean, he is nice and sweet (and kinilig din naman ako sa kanya once re the hug during the night camping on a mountain) but some part of me is still doubting that he isn't the one. He is the epitome of my prayers way back January, when I was talking to a friend in a Resto-Bar where I said, "I want someone nice and sweet,  who will love me more than I love him, who will accompany me to beautiful places, who will hug me at the top of the mountains..." However, even if you have so many qualifications in your mind, when you don't feel the magic, it won't go smoothly as what you aimed it to be. I consulted a friend who've gone through the same experience and she said that I will never really feel the same magic the way my first did. Or maybe, I am just really broken, pretending to be strong, faking that I am totally over with my past.

Or who knows, maybe I just need to wait a little more time to meet "him". And when I finally meet him, all my whats and whys will be answered. He will make me believe in love again and make me realize that he is worth the wait. He will make me feel the magic of falling deeply to someone and I don't need to compromise to the point that I am losing my passion just to save him. I learned a lot because of my ex, and I wouldn't dare to make the same mistake of sacrificing my own being just to keep him stay. People who love you will stay and care for you because they want to, not because they are feeling guilty. Although he made me happy a lot of times, there were no doubts that I was so miserable because of his incapacity to sacrifice and love selflessly. Don't take me wrong for I still love him (a little) though and I accepted his shortcomings because no one's perfect after all.

So, hello my future lover, please bear with me if I am so strong in pushing you away. Be persistent in pursuing me and never give up for I have a soft heart; your efforts are being noted, I just don't want you to see that I appreciate them for I don't want you to take me for granted. Please be vocal about your feelings and intentions, for I don't want to assume. If you are not honest and won't say your feelings to me directly, I'll just brush off my thoughts and totally move on with you even if I really like you. I don't want to suffer from unrequited or unequal love anymore.

Please note that I am waiting for you. In the meantime, I am busy becoming a better version of myself so when I finally meet you, I am ready to give you the happiness you also deserve. Please be awesome, I know you are on your way to me but don't keep me waiting for so long for I will eventually give in to the temptations and settle with someone who really cares for me. Furthermore, I am excited to meet you--the one who will make me understand why he and I didn't work out, the one who will make me feel again the special thing called love.

I am waiting for you, but I am still in the process of being the best version of myself--and that version is with you, right beside you at the altar in front of a priest and our loved ones.


PS I am really excited for 2019... I have a lot of plans which include traveling abroad and maybe work there for years. Who knows, I'll find you there, my dear :)

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥