#Progress2021

Today marks my last day in the company that first embraced me here abroad. Staying here made me happy in the beginning but also made me cry so hard especially during the lockdown when workload was too much yet everything in the world was fuck due to the global pandemic. Nonetheless, all my experiences made me stronger and wiser that I would not be this resilient if things were changed otherwise. So much gratefulness for them who believed in me and my skills.

These two years of a roller coaster ride with homesickness injected in between—now that the end is nearing, I could not help but feel nostalgic and sentimental. I hope that this day will be great and I would not regret leaving too much. I am really so afraid of what will happen next knowing that I need to adjust to another culture again added with the responsibility for my new job role is heavier (given that we are in the midst of an era of human extinction aka stay strong mental health). But hey, why do I fear these changes so much when nothing in this world is permanent. So, better embrace the unknown and willingly accept this career progression.

Keep going, Banunay!

Keep being strong! :)

05 September 2021

♥ ☺ ♥ And that is what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Twenty-Seventh

I am turning twenty-seven this year... more so, these coming days. It feels like I am in the middle of the chaos again. I don't know what I am feeling right now. So, here I am scribbling words writing here to synthesize my thoughts and make sense of them. It has always been like this especially during my birthday. Seems like all the moments in my life are flashing back at me so suddenly making me ask myself, did I live my life to the fullest? Do I have so many regrets? What am I thankful for? Who was I way back then? Where am I now? What person did I become? Who do I want to become in the coming years? Thoughts are raging and I could not control them. Sometimes it makes me suffocated; sometimes it makes me drown.

Turning twenty-seven seems like time flies really fast. If only I could stop the world from spinning around and just let me live my life from the moment. Looking back when I was young, I wanted to grow up really fast, have work, earn my own money, live independently—now that I am in the moment that my younger self dreamt about, I just wanted to go back from the time when everything is so simple.

Turning twenty-seven—it feels nostalgic. I still clearly remember my seventh birthday when I had my cake blowing its candle. It was the second time having a cake on my day and I was so happy. Two decades later, here I am worried about who will be the people I will spend my special day with. On my 18th birthday, I didn't have a grand celebration for my debut which I hoped for the way back then. We were poor and my parents didn't bother to celebrate birthdays like the usual family. And so, I tried to save money and booked a resort for myself—invited my friends and celebrated with them. I was happy about their efforts and surprises but as usual, my parents didn't even greet me.

'Till the time that I can remember, I always treat birthdays as a special day in someone's life. So, I have this expectation that the people who value me will make their way out just to make me happy. But not everyone is like me who would pave their way out just to make someone's day special. Although I already accepted the fact that not everyone is as effort as me, the pressure still lingers in my very essence that I need to be happy on that special day. That said pressure makes me sad and anxious when my day is nearing. Hence, this feeling right now.  But what should I do then? I want to be happy yet this is why I feel pressured and sad. I want this to be special but I am not that special so who am I to expect something I should not.

Twenty-seven years of experience seems like a joke—I feel young yet I also feel old. I could not even recognize my younger self if there was a chance to meet her now. I was so different from yesterday, and yet it feels that nothing changes.

Sentimental and melancholic as it may seem, writing this down somewhat help me calm my mind. I am no longer worried but excited about how life will take me. I wonder what surprises this life will give me when I turn twenty-seven. I am grateful for all the things I went through, for the mistakes that I have done, and for the milestone I achieve, and this coming year will not be different as it will also change me for the better... maybe not exactly as how I will thought I would be but as a growing individual susceptible of adapting, learning, and maturing.

So in this twenty-seventh year of my life, I have made a list of goals that I still want to achieve or have in the years to come. Some of the things have been repeated for who-knows-how-many-times from my old bucket list, nevertheless, I will retain and include them here for I still want these things to happen, added with new things I realize I want to have or do.

☐ Get a boyfriend who I can travel the world with (am with somebody now but can't travel huhu)

☐ Get engaged

☐ Get married to the man I love

☐ Own a gaming laptop/ high-specs computer for my side hustle designing

☐ Become a freelance graphic designer/ content creator

☐ Create my own podcast

☑ Own a ring light for my content haha!

☐ Buy a high-spec DSLR and pursue being a professional photographer

☐ Make my own portfolio

☑ Establish the first branch of Memento Cafe

☐ Fully-furnished my Marikina House

☐ Decorate my Marikina bedroom

☐ Buy my own house aside from the house in Marikina

☐ Register in OWWA, and pay the SSS and PAG-IBIG contributions

☐ Get an international health insurance

☐ Get a life insurance

☐ Establish my own business

☐ Give birth to my own precious child/ren

☐ Have my first visit to the Philippines

☑ Become a bridesmaid

☐ Organize my own wedding

☐ Have a Masteral Degree

☐ Have a double degree in Industrial Engineering

☐ Save money 1 Million 

☐ Travel to Iceland

☐ Travel to Norway

☐ Travel Georgia

☐ Travel to Armenia

☐ Travel to Switzerland

☐ Travel to Turkey

☐ Travel to Germany

☐ Travel to Japan

☐ Travel to Australia

☐ Travel to Poland

☐ Become a Yoga Instructor

☐ Become a teacher

☐ Record my own song

☐ Finish reading the 7 Habit of Highly Effective People

☐ Finish reading the Rich Dad Poor Dad

☐ Finish reading the Atomic Habits

☐ Finish the Happiness Project

☐ Finish the 2021 Bullet Journal

☐ Buy photo printer/ portable printer

☐ Finish paying the loan of my brother

☐ Create a masterpiece using paint and hang it on the wall

☐ Apply for a Canadian Visa

☑ Participate in Spartan Race

☐ Run 30km

☐ Join ADNOC Marathon

 

♥ ☺ ♥ And that is what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

A little bit of sugar, spice, and everything nice!

It has been so long since I wrote something upbeat and optimistic. And today, I decided to immortalize this rare moment and use my keyboard to finally write again and romanticize looking at the brighter side of life. Thanks for the recently listened Spotify Podcast, "Paano Ba 'To" by Bianca Gonzales, for injecting some kind of happy feels motivating me to go through with this roller coaster ride of life.

Almost two years since I decided to leave my country and made a leap of faith. Going abroad and eventually work here without any family member to be with me, was really hard especially that this is my first time living alone and I am not used to a life without a mother beside me to do everything for me. Everything was so foreign, from my career that I started on a blank slate to interacting with multi-nationality colleagues and clients who came from different cultures. It was so scary and I couldn't imagine how many times I cried missing the people and the life I left behind. Everything was different and I had a hard time adjusting to the changes, more so living an independent life. I encountered countless breakdowns to the point that I almost wanted to give up on life. I sought professional help, cried to death, stared at a beach, run a marathon, and everything I could ever do just to keep myself busy. Thankfully, I am feeling better now. I still have episodes of the dark phase but, what I am sure of, I have found things I like that make me want to wake up in the morning and look forward to whenever I feel helpless.

Coming here comes a lot of sacrifices. I left a stable job that I had way back in my home country to a potential flame that didn't even ignite because of the distance and time difference. For the record, this was the most regretful thing I have to give up and I call it collateral damage for being here--if only I was braver and risk-taker; if only I were a little more honest with myself, will this future make any difference? Would I  be sharing the life I have with my best friend? Regrets haunt me from time to time wondering all the 'what ifs' that I tried to dodge in my mind. What was my life if I didn't choose to be here? Could I be any happier? 

But lo a behold, I am so proud of myself for pushing my limits and going beyond my comfort zone. I thought I could not do it, but here I am and did it! I got used somehow to this new setup and I couldn't be any more grateful to the people who helped me stand on my own; to the few who became my strengths when I am feeling weak. Yes, coming here was really not all good all the time, I lost a part of me in the process, broke my trust into pieces, felt betrayed and invaluable, but then, I have learned to love myself a little more and got to discover a deeper me who I would not know if I didn't come here.

Braver, Banunay! This is what I can only brag of coming here. Admittedly, I am still not the amazing person that I want to be, but I am closer to what I am dreaming of. I progressed a lot and grew. I have learned to enjoy the process of finding myself and became kinder to self when things aren't going so smoothly. The transition taught me that no matter how you planned your life, when life wants to fuck you up, it will really fuck you hard no matter how prepared you are. And the key to it is to have a positive mindset, and flexibility to adapt to everything that life throws you. You may cry a bundle of tears but never ever surrender. It is okay to not be okay but never okay to quit your life. You need to push through in order to see how things will unfold. You may need to hug yourself if no one's there to hug you. You may need to become your own cheerleader and be patient with your journey. Do not ever compare yourself to others and never ever belittle yourself. You don't need to rush into things and hate yourself out of frustrations. Don't ever think that you are less valuable than others nor nothing in this world. Cheer up as you discover your purpose and strengths. I remember the lines of Bianca from one of her Paano Ba 'To? Podcast episode that struck me the most and remind me of my worth which made me a little braver and gave me a pinch of hope:

"Remember, every single person in the world has a different thumbprint. There are no two people alike at all in the whole world. God has a reason for doing that because each and every one of us has a unique purpose in the world.

And I could not agree more! Her lines came from one of her journal entries that she read on her podcast and I realized how powerful the impact of our words to ourselves and to the people around us. It makes me want to start writing on my blog again and rediscover the beauty of journaling. That whatever I am going through, don't get stuck on it and always keep going. Everything will just be a chapter in my thick book which is still ongoing, hasn't been published, and has not yet ended. I still have a lot of pages to write to and the stories of my next journey is all in my hands!

To end this entry on a positive note--to offer healing and forgiveness, to all the hurt I felt recently, to the few who caused me pain, to the people who In unintentionally hurt, to the breakdowns I encountered, to all the people who I met along the way, and to the imperfect self that continuously doing mistakes--this is for you, again from Bianca's podcast: 

You are everyone you meet in your life. Every single person we meet in our life is a part of us. Whether they were someone we shared our life with, they influenced us in a good way, or they hurt us and we learned a valuable lesson, or they were mean and so we vowed not to be mean like them. Whether the person who are something we liked, smiled, and warmed our hearts, made us laughed or cried. All that is part of us, and so how can any two people possibly be identical? Imagine, all of us have a unique contribution to the world precisely because of the unique person that we are. We may have our insecurities and shortcomings, but given that, we still have our strengths and good works that we continue to contribute to our family, to our circle of friends, to our community, and to our country. We may not be as good looking, rich, educated, famous, or influential as other people, but in a less good looking, less rich, less educated, less famous, and less influential self and we can touch people's lives, make a difference in our own little way, and love others big time, that no one can ever take away from us.

So if you ever feel down, if you ever feel like you have no purpose in the world. If you ever feel like asking will anyone care if I am gone, just remember, that we are all made uniquely, and whatever effect we had on other people we love, on people around us, and on our world, is our effect alone that no one else can replace. We are irreplaceable.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Stillness in a noisy world.

Staring at a place of nothingness. 

Just a blank slate without thinking anything. 

It gives comfort, it gives peace. 

Nothingness seems so comfortable given that you don't need to act or think anything. 

You are just you--minding your own universe. 

Clasp with the idea of nothing; 

allowing yourself to be fully isolated from how chaotic the world can be. 

Letting yourself feel at ease when all the things that are surrounding you pressure you or give you discomfort. Nothing. All you need is you.

Life seems very hard these days, 

so I console myself of thinking nothing backed by doing nothing. 

When the world seems to fuck you up, 

and everyone seems to be very dramatic--just let it be. 

Do nothing. Stare nothing. 

Just be still and let the world be with what it wants to be.

Isolate in a place where you can only find yourself, 

care about nothing but the moment you are in it.

Embrace the beauty in it--free from worries and fears.

Let go of all of your anxieties and the noise around you.

Breath in--yes, just breath in

Then breathe out all the stress that comes from you within

Empty your soul from the negative ions,

So, you can have a room of comfort later on.

Save yourself from all the destructions

and help you build yourself again.

The nothingness becomes your safe haven

To which should be followed by new beginnings

Beautiful as it may seem

Exciting as it can be

The world is still not ending

So just be with your nothingness

And come out nothing

So you can be everything.

Keep going!

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Unfiltered thoughts, tonight.

It is so hard to live like this these days.

 

Just a little trigger and I will burst out. I pity the people who can’t handle me. I am guilty of how I can hurt others just by existing. I know that I could not manage my emotions well and that I am so afraid of people getting in touch with me, for I might become a monster in front of their eyes. All I have are boundaries, which I couldn’t even lift up to those who want to get through. And, I am apologetic to the friends who needed support right now for I cannot give what they need. I cannot give what I don't have. I also need it, actually.

 

Having this chaotic mind, sometimes, I just want to cut ties. I want to dissolve into the air so nobody could take notice of me disappearing into this world. I want to disappear like bubbles, nothing will be bothered by me popping out in the air and exiting the mundane humanity and just become a tiny particle of gas. I want to isolate myself or get the cloak of invisibility so no one will find me. I will just soak myself into sorrow alone, peacefully. It doesn’t matter if I will become alone in the end, but at least I will not get exposed to others of what chaos I can be. I don’t like it either. And I know I could not ask for understanding for it is really hard to comprehend me who doesn’t know how to comprehend herself.

 

Being the monster that I am, I sometimes want to end my life so no one will get hurt because of me. If I die, I would no longer be bothered by the pressure of obligations and responsibilities that the world seems to give me. I would no longer be having anxieties about what will happen in the future. The overthinking me will be living peacefully for all these negative thoughts would come to a halt. Oh, how I wish I could just disappear, leaving all the painful memories. Oh, how I wish everything was a snap of the fingers that all the pain will just disappear immediately. Oh, how I wish.

 

Year by year, I am just surviving by just pushing myself to keep going. I tried to mingle with other people, meet strangers, do the things that I like, engage in sports, go to new places—but why does this demon inside me couldn’t be tamed? Why is it knocking and popping randomly? Could you just let me live? I am trying to be kind, yet a little trigger would burst your flame making you roar inside.

 

It is so hard to live like this these days. Especially during this pandemic when everything seems so unpredictable and unstable. You couldn’t publicly complain as well because you still have a better life than others, yet you fake yourself for being happy for what you have. You wake up each day feeling empty waiting for the day to end. You tried so hard to make yourself fun but it always goes back to being you—the toxic being that you are. I am trying, please, everyone. Can you feel that? Please don’t judge me by being like this. Please let me live in isolation. I don’t want anyone to be hurt because of me. I don’t want you to be dragged to this stupid world and be trapped inside my walls. Soul crushed like mine, wounds won’t heal even when I gave them time.

When you think positively, good things will happen. This is what they say often. I do that too—and sometimes it works. But for every little good thing to happen with me, it would be followed by sorrow and darkness that makes me fearful of having good things to happen. It is like gravity, for every rise of my feelings, eventually, it will fall two-folds accelerated against the ground. Pieces by pieces would be broken into tiny parts.

 It is so hard to live these days. All I want is a normal life—with balanced neurotransmitters and the right amount of chemicals distributed in my brain. All I want is a normal environment where I can freely live and move. All I want is a little hope in my future that everything will be all right and things will fall into places. All I want is a little understanding without prejudice, and dirty judgments of me being so toxic and unkind. All I want is peace of mind and a little love that can heal my broken heart.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥