We were sweet. We were on a bus. We were in a tent. We were on the highest mountain in Luzon. That's what you like, Banunay, right? He hugged me. He cared for me like how my ex caressed me when I feel cold. He made me feel warm. But what's stopping me? Why am I feeling less? I don't want to hurt him yet I let him hug me. He even bought a rain jacket for me. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that someone is appreciating and caring for me, but I am too kind to fool around, I can't play with someone's heart. Maybe, I like the idea of having someone who would love me. Maybe, I don't like him, I am just longing for someone who would take care of me. Yes, I am strong and I can live alone, but who am I to deny that it feels so good when someone is taking care of you.
My love language is quality time, seconded by physical touch. And there he was, he made me feel like I was a queen. He let my head lean on his shoulder. He kissed my forehead, he stole hugs. I felt secure knowing that someone was taking care of me throughout our hike at Mt. Pulag. But why am I feeling this way? I couldn't see myself with him long term. Yes, I now have travel and hike buddy, but how about the late-night talks, the deep conversations, and the intellectual discussion? I have standards, and I think, those things are non-negotiable for me. We have exchanged conversations before, but I couldn't find any substance, or maybe minimal. I really want a well-versed man, someone who will inspire me to be better, someone who will introduce me to the world I haven't seen--someone who is not him, I think.
Or maybe, I am just afraid to love? Maybe, I am not yet fully healed? I know, I don't want to feel the pain anymore. And I couldn't trust his words. My gut feeling says I shouldn't continue seeing him. We were under the beautiful sky, full of stars, sharing each other's body heat through a hug--it was perfect, maybe a romantic moment. But why am I feeling empty?
Or maybe, he isn't the right one. Or maybe, I am not in the right condition yet. Maybe, there is no magic yet because my heart still belongs to the past? Or maybe, he really is not the one I am looking for, who could make me risk in love again.
I'll wait for him, for the right one to come.
I'll wait until my heart beats again for someone.
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| Marlboro Camp Site, Mt. Pulag 10.13-14.2018 |
♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥
