Stillness in a noisy world.

Staring at a place of nothingness. 

Just a blank slate without thinking anything. 

It gives comfort, it gives peace. 

Nothingness seems so comfortable given that you don't need to act or think anything. 

You are just you--minding your own universe. 

Clasp with the idea of nothing; 

allowing yourself to be fully isolated from how chaotic the world can be. 

Letting yourself feel at ease when all the things that are surrounding you pressure you or give you discomfort. Nothing. All you need is you.

Life seems very hard these days, 

so I console myself of thinking nothing backed by doing nothing. 

When the world seems to fuck you up, 

and everyone seems to be very dramatic--just let it be. 

Do nothing. Stare nothing. 

Just be still and let the world be with what it wants to be.

Isolate in a place where you can only find yourself, 

care about nothing but the moment you are in it.

Embrace the beauty in it--free from worries and fears.

Let go of all of your anxieties and the noise around you.

Breath in--yes, just breath in

Then breathe out all the stress that comes from you within

Empty your soul from the negative ions,

So, you can have a room of comfort later on.

Save yourself from all the destructions

and help you build yourself again.

The nothingness becomes your safe haven

To which should be followed by new beginnings

Beautiful as it may seem

Exciting as it can be

The world is still not ending

So just be with your nothingness

And come out nothing

So you can be everything.

Keep going!

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Unfiltered thoughts, tonight.

It is so hard to live like this these days.

 

Just a little trigger and I will burst out. I pity the people who can’t handle me. I am guilty of how I can hurt others just by existing. I know that I could not manage my emotions well and that I am so afraid of people getting in touch with me, for I might become a monster in front of their eyes. All I have are boundaries, which I couldn’t even lift up to those who want to get through. And, I am apologetic to the friends who needed support right now for I cannot give what they need. I cannot give what I don't have. I also need it, actually.

 

Having this chaotic mind, sometimes, I just want to cut ties. I want to dissolve into the air so nobody could take notice of me disappearing into this world. I want to disappear like bubbles, nothing will be bothered by me popping out in the air and exiting the mundane humanity and just become a tiny particle of gas. I want to isolate myself or get the cloak of invisibility so no one will find me. I will just soak myself into sorrow alone, peacefully. It doesn’t matter if I will become alone in the end, but at least I will not get exposed to others of what chaos I can be. I don’t like it either. And I know I could not ask for understanding for it is really hard to comprehend me who doesn’t know how to comprehend herself.

 

Being the monster that I am, I sometimes want to end my life so no one will get hurt because of me. If I die, I would no longer be bothered by the pressure of obligations and responsibilities that the world seems to give me. I would no longer be having anxieties about what will happen in the future. The overthinking me will be living peacefully for all these negative thoughts would come to a halt. Oh, how I wish I could just disappear, leaving all the painful memories. Oh, how I wish everything was a snap of the fingers that all the pain will just disappear immediately. Oh, how I wish.

 

Year by year, I am just surviving by just pushing myself to keep going. I tried to mingle with other people, meet strangers, do the things that I like, engage in sports, go to new places—but why does this demon inside me couldn’t be tamed? Why is it knocking and popping randomly? Could you just let me live? I am trying to be kind, yet a little trigger would burst your flame making you roar inside.

 

It is so hard to live like this these days. Especially during this pandemic when everything seems so unpredictable and unstable. You couldn’t publicly complain as well because you still have a better life than others, yet you fake yourself for being happy for what you have. You wake up each day feeling empty waiting for the day to end. You tried so hard to make yourself fun but it always goes back to being you—the toxic being that you are. I am trying, please, everyone. Can you feel that? Please don’t judge me by being like this. Please let me live in isolation. I don’t want anyone to be hurt because of me. I don’t want you to be dragged to this stupid world and be trapped inside my walls. Soul crushed like mine, wounds won’t heal even when I gave them time.

When you think positively, good things will happen. This is what they say often. I do that too—and sometimes it works. But for every little good thing to happen with me, it would be followed by sorrow and darkness that makes me fearful of having good things to happen. It is like gravity, for every rise of my feelings, eventually, it will fall two-folds accelerated against the ground. Pieces by pieces would be broken into tiny parts.

 It is so hard to live these days. All I want is a normal life—with balanced neurotransmitters and the right amount of chemicals distributed in my brain. All I want is a normal environment where I can freely live and move. All I want is a little hope in my future that everything will be all right and things will fall into places. All I want is a little understanding without prejudice, and dirty judgments of me being so toxic and unkind. All I want is peace of mind and a little love that can heal my broken heart.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥