One year ago, on March 12, 2018 to be exact, you asked me "do you still want to continue this?" I answered, why now, at 4AM, Monday, when I needed to go to work in four hours. I requested, "could we talk about it later?". You agreed that we would still talk about it when I'm not busy. Fast forward to this day, we still haven't talked. I was craving for that one conversation, and now I am tired. Who cares about the talk? I am so exhausted to wait and understand you. Moreover, I am happy now without you, really.
I am currently happy because of you, my friend. Actually, I really don't want to talk about this feeling, nor write about it here. But, I really want to preserve this moment and appreciate you. It's all because of you that is why I am slowly moving forward. Thank you for always being there, virtually, listening to all my rants. You are one chat away, and it makes me happy that someone is there for me no matter how nonsense I may seem. It sounds cheesy as it is, but you are one of the core people in my life that I want to be there for the rest of my life.
I am still hesitant about putting my thoughts here for I am afraid that this thought might be discovered. But, maybe no one is really reading this, or who knows this site really. Furthermore, who cares, given that I am just a nobody--a girl who just wants to be honest with herself. A girl who just wants to immortalize her feelings here. Truly, I'm a little bit iffy to confess it here because I don't want anyone to know my true feelings. But, maybe, a part of me wants my voice to be heard, but actually don't want to be listened to. Or maybe, I just want to read it here years later, when I forgot everything about this feeling, and want to be reminded what was the chaos within me at this very moment. I just really am sentimental, maybe, nothing more, nothing less. I'm still a little shy admitting this feeling to myself, but, thinking out loud, writing it here is my serenity. Maybe. Or maybe not.
You know what, I really like you. I hope you feel the same way towards me. Actually, I can't read you, or maybe I'm afraid to understand your feelings. I am reluctant to validate that you don't feel the same way, or that you are really just nice to everyone including me, thus, I am not special.
I am really excited to meet you in person. My mind is imagining situations and I am nervous that these fancies won't happen. I don't really care what you look right now; I am really happy to be with you comfortably--and I pray that this meeting will not be so awkward.
I am glad that we have the same values. I have known you for seven years, more or less, and I know that you are really kind. Sometimes, I wonder, why don't we try to date and end up together. Yes, I really am afraid to love again, but if it is you, I don't have fear to risk once more. You are worth fighting, and I believe, or maybe, I trust you that no matter what, you won't hurt me intentionally.
If ever we risk, try to date, and unfortunately won't work out in the end, please don't throw our friendship away. I am happy to be friends with you forever. I want you to be my constant, be it a lover or a friend.
The thought of being awkward when that happens really scares me. You also don't say anything and I don't want to assume. As my calculus professor once said, don't assume unless otherwise stated. I do not want to get hurt again and I really value our friendship. However, it is clear to me that I am comfortable sharing my deepest thoughts with you. I can trust you among any other guys I have met. Sure enough, I don't love you yet, but I like your soul. You make me feel warm. You make me feel at ease with your words. I like your values, but I don't know if this is mutual. With that, I might as well brush off these little thoughts of mine. I don't want to lose you but I think you really deserve someone who would love you like how you cherish your loved ones. I know for a fact that I can take care of you, but if you don't want to, I won't insist, or maybe let me take care of you as your really close friend, a confidant maybe. I just wish you happiness and I am rooting for your success. I really hope you find your right one soon, and it is okay even if she isn't me. Just promise me you won't forget me when the time comes like when we had commitments before. Also, you tend to value yourself a little less. You don't seem to believe and realize how awesome you are. I want you to see what I am seeing--a determined guy full of love and affection. You are not a 'nobody' like what you think you are. You are 'somebody'--a trustworthy and a hard to find guy; and certainly, the girl you will fall in love with will be so lucky to have you.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for being nice :) Please stay in my life for I need someone like you. I value you like how I value the people so dear to me.
You are worthy and loved, just letting you know.
♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥
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