I am beginning to think that I really don't have luck in love. That I already experienced loving someone and being loved by the one I loved and this card had been used once in a lifetime. After my ex broke my heart, I never really experience the same trust and love I felt before. The one that I know would last a lifetime.
My first and I broke up because we don't have the same goals. What we have was a happy present but we could not figure out the future together given that we have different views and dreams in life. He fell out of love. I would have wanted to settle down and have kids on my own while he, as he told me, couldn't imagine himself of taking a child and being a responsible father for another human being. He couldn't see me and all my dreams in the future. What we have was present.
My second love wasn't really love for I was afraid to fall deeply and that I couldn't give my heart to anyone else at that time. It was after my major heartbreak that my friend and I got to become closer even more being our souls and minds were naked to each other. I really loved how our conversation flew, jumping from one topic to another. Despite the distance, we—or maybe I felt that he was so close to me that all the people near me would be blurry. All I craved was to talk to him and meet him again closer, physically.
After that, I met someone who really took care of me while living abroad. He really became my home and cured all the anxieties and loneliness I felt because of homesickness. He made sure that I felt his love and proved to me that I could trust him. But two years later, problems arose. Because he and I did not have the same upbringing as he was born from another nation, it was hard to fight for his culture. His mother was against us. I loved him and he loved me but was that enough to fight all the people that he loved who don't agree with us? It was hard.
Lastly, it was the ex of my friend who I got to know well. I would not have any intention of looking at him but due to teases and all, and us living in the same apartment made me see how kind he is. I somewhat think that we are compatible, however, time was not really our friend as it doesn't want us to be together for he will migrate soon. After all, who am I to force him not to? To tell him don't go? If you love or like a person, you just want the best for them, right? And so, the battle of me versus fate start rolling again. Was it the time and distance that I was afraid that hinder me to push through with my friend? And now, they are haunting me again.
So again, my Beloved, I am calling Your name. I hate this waiting game but please give me the courage to wait and trust Your plan. I cannot understand it anymore. Give me the strength to believe in Your will. Give me patience to wait for the right timing and trust the process. I want to have faith in You and that all that I have been through, in the end, will be all worth it. That I would get to realize why all those things—the rejections, the hurts, the pain, the tears, happened to lead me from what You are promising to me. Lord, please let my worries and fears be small and my faith in You is stronger than anything else. I am tired and weary of questioning you for I couldn't understand everything.
Lord, I know these will all too pass. But, I just need something to be holding on to. I need assurance. I just want to be happy. I am praying for You.
