Why did I go here? It started with the thought of moving on. To move forward without a memory of you, a place where it has no fragment of your presence. Here I am now, surviving my daily life here alone, but, still remembering you. Every meal I cook and the idle time when watching movies remind me of how I spent my life with you before. I am now happy living independently, but deep down in my heart, I wish I have someone to spend my life with--like how I spent my weekends at your home. I would be willing to cook him breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I would be willing to hug him tight when the night's so cold. I would love to wrap him with my body and shower him with kisses while watching our favorite shows on Netflix. I would send him goodbye kisses whenever he leaves for work. When walking in a park, I would happily hold his hands, swinging, while strolling new places I haven't been before, talking about random things. Together, he and I would explore the city, and when we got tired, we would be sitting on a bench, hands still clasped together, while looking with each other smiling genuinely. We would exchange stories, laugh at them, then look at the stars. Oh, how sweet of me being a hopeless romantic.
What is my heart's desire? I ask myself wanting to be vulnerably honest. Truly, I really want to build a career here, but more importantly, I want to find him already. I am not into rushing things but I am ready to know someone deeply. I am trying to connect with people but I cannot seem to find him--I don't feel any special connection. It isn't right but I long for the magic I felt when I met you, the strange tingling sensation in my heart. I want that feeling. I really want to feel that again.
I'm living independently now. I am away from all the distractions. I downloaded all my reviewers for my Industrial Engineering Masters admission and eager to stick with the plan. I also told myself not to be bothered with the past and its encompassing memories. Unfortunately, it's hard to admit though, that I am still trapped from the leftovers of your remembrance. I hope I could completely forget you. I am longing for someone who will constantly be here with me. I am not lonely, I know how to take care of myself, but sometimes, I miss the feeling of someone's taking care of me.
Moreover, I already gave up on the idea of being with my friend. He hasn't done anything, more so to exert effort in asking my whereabouts and if I am doing okay here. I am tired of waiting for him to make his mind and have the courage to ask me out. I'm thinking, maybe, he really doesn't like me at all for if he really wants me, he'll do something about the distance. I am willing to take risks for him--I can conquer my trust issue, risk the long-distance relationship, or even go and fly to be with him. I just want him to make the first move, be assertive, and fight for me. But no move has been taken up to date. I hate waiting. I am tired of waiting for him.
If ever there might have a chance, I would confess to him already, to draw a line and put an endpoint. I just don't like what-ifs in my life and I consider him my major self-condemnation if I just let the destiny dictates our fate. I don't want to regret anything in life, especially the fact that I didn't say what my heart wants to tell.
To wrap it up, living abroad makes your perspective broader. You will be proud of yourself and feel so courageous that you took a big leap of faith and went beyond your comfort zone. Somewhat, I don't regret being here. Currently, I have so much free time until my work starts so I want to use it to introspect and contemplate what I really want in life and how to live with it to the fullest. As a result, the first thing I realized is how I was madly in love with the idea of love and how I am fascinated with the thought of having a lifetime companion. I want someone to consider my home and I am not ashamed of that fact, cheesy or corny if you would label me. I also want career progression and growth, but more importantly, I love the idea of waking next to someone I love, and I want to take care of him and to be taken care of by him. I hope I'll meet him soon for I am excited to share my thoughts with this special person.
Furthermore, I also want to share the two things I've learned this year (to which I've read somewhere but still relevant at the moment):
"Transitions are scary, but necessary if you want to move forward. "
Also,
"There is always a breakthrough for every breakdown. Always."
For all the hopeless romantic who is happily living independently but fearless enough to admit that they will be happier when someone's sharing these precious moments with him/her, cheers! Hope we find our better half soon~
Let us all survive but embrace this waiting time, eventually, we will get there, someday. One day.
♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥
