Still you.

Three years have passed since my last post. My last post was all about him. And today, my first post after long hiatus is also because of him.

I met him during my last semester in college. It was during the time when I thought I would graduate in college as a single but contented independent woman. It was during that time that I loved life. Looking back at my Plurk account, all I was saying is that "today is a wonderful day", "thanks for today", and many gratitude related posts. Come to this date, I barely wake up in the morning, dragging myself to go to work, hating life in general.

I missed being tagged as "sunshine", full of energy, happy girl, to name a few. Oh, where have you been Banunay? Haven't seen you in ages? I really want to meet my old self as of this moment. I want to give her advice never to lose her passion, her love for life, her hopes and dreams, her self.

I don't know when did I start becoming a dead kid. All I remember is that because of you, I thought I could conquer the world, that I didn't need toxic friends, and that I didn't need temporary people. I was safe, I thought because as long as I have you, I wouldn't be bothered by the gradual decrease of familiar faces circling around me. I became so distant that I wouldn't bother myself contacting them or make an effort to reconnect with them. I have you, I wouldn't feel alone--that was all in my mind.

I was wrong. I was so dependent on you that I am starting to lose myself. Everything has changed. I lost the old self. Now that we have arguments a week ago, I'm stuck here at home, contemplating where would I be if I hadn't met you.

Office friends have gone to Mt. Maculot, and as of the moment, I am here, writing an entry for this blog. And I was so lonely. I woke up late and couldn't be contacted for my cellphone's battery's dead, and so they left me. It wasn't their fault but mine and I could still join them if I made an effort to catch them, but I used my pride. I was being childish. I didn't join them.

As of the moment, I am still waiting for his text. I am being like this because we had an argument last week. And since last week, we hadn't exchange any messages. I hate my boyfriend. I hate it because I am super affected every time we have fights. Just like for today, everything is miserable. I don't have friends. I tried texting Marla, Shy, etc. but to my dismay, they aren't available. I hate it because I was so excited to hike Mt. Maculot yet they left me. I hate it. I hate that my graduate school friends have plans of going out of town yet they backed out. I hate it. I hate it that me and my boyfriend are fighting. And I hate the most that he doesn't contact me, ever since. I hate that I love him more than he loves me.

If I could turn back time, I wish I fell in love with someone who can really take care of my heart; someone who can join my travels, and willing to explore the world. If I could meet that guy, who will be friends with my friends and join our trips, I would surely be happy. If only I could mold someone to be the perfect pair of me--someone who is so game to adventures, who has big dreams and let those dreams come true--I would surely be contented. If only this guy is you.

I hate that I rely on my happiness to you. Because of that, it is really hard to be apart from you. I hate that you are part of my daily routine, it is really pissing that I am sulking in sadness and stopping myself to make the first move because I know, you wouldn't bother to call me or make the first move. You are like that. You are selfish. You don't love me more than I love you. And I hate it.

I wish I have the strength to break up with you and search for my old self again. Someone who doesn't rely on someone. A girl who's so independent and proud. A lady who can find happiness within herself. I want to meet new friends. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to meet my old self, and I don't want to think again that you are the only source of my joy. You do not complete me. Perhaps, you can't complete me. So please, mind, please let yourself go. Please let go.

Don't suffer anymore. He will not change. You, not him, need to change.


♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥