Thank you, next

And I'm now ready to submit my entry for the annual essay writing contest held during New Year.

I won't go too emotional for I already have been for the past months this year, but let me tell you that this was indeed my toughest year. I cried a bunch of tears, tried unbelievable things (almost had a one-night stand because of too much sadness and yes this was a mistake), traveled to different places, met new people, became stronger. :) This coming year will be different. I'll become better, bolder, and happier. Moreover, before the year ends, I wanted to list down and looked back on what has happened:


☑ Went to Sagada
☑ Went to Coron, Palawan
☑ Went to Dipaculo Beach, Dinadiawan
☑ Went to Laiya Batangas with officemates
☑ Went to La Union
☑ Went to Daranak Falls in Tanay
☑ Swam at Munkilat Falls of Ifugao
☑ Swam at Kay-Ibon Falls
☑ Swam at Bantimol Falls
☑ Skin diving to view coral reefs
☑ First Major Climb, Mt. Napulauan
☑ First time to experience the Mossy Forest
☑ First time at Calauit Safari Park
☑ First time at Kalinawan Cove
☑ Made a giraffe ate grasses
☑ Hiked Mt. Batulosong
☑ Hiked Mt. Ulap
☑ Hiked Mt. Pulag
☑ Hiked Mt. Tapyas
☑ First-time Fit and Fun Buddy Run without him
☑ First time to join URC Fun Run
☑ Passed the teaching job position for Senior High School (unfortunately, I wasn't allowed to immediately resign so I didn't accept the position--it was my dream to teach kids)
☑ Went to Pan de Americana (off the bucket list that I wrote way back 2012)
☑ Five times (this year) in Tagaytay with different barkada
☑ Five times staycation this year (Airbnb, Tomas Morato Vertis, Estancia, Citadines, Twin Tower)
☑ Ten times (this year) to facilitate ACE Training and got the average rating score of 4.20 ♡♡)
☑ First time at Luljetta's Garden Spa
☑ First time to try full massage/spa
☑ First time at Cinema Centenario
☑ Filed Residency
☑ Went LOA in grad school
☑ Picked up by a man in a bar while on a date with ex
☑ Summer outing at Galilee Resort in Bulacan
☑ Strategic Planning at Greenery Resort, Bulacan
☑ 2nd meet up of Buklod after graduation
☑ First time to conduct Site HR Reunion
☑ First time horseback riding (although it was awkward riding along with a total stranger)
☑ First time to play archery
☑ First time at Filling Station Bar Cafe
☑ First time at Uke Box Cafe
☑ First time at Book and Borders Cafe
☑ First time at Long Weekend Cafe
☑ First time at Forget Me Not Cafe
☑ First time at Gift Avenue Cafe
☑ First time at Cafe by the Ruins
☑ First time at The Fat Seed Cafe
☑ First time at Flotsam and Jetsam Cafe & Bar
☑ First time to watch a last-full show movie alone
☑ First time at Cebu Pacific Head Office for a meeting
☑ First time to attend The Feast
☑ First time to judge a RET event (Halloween Decorating Contest)
☑ First time at Ocean Park <3 (off the bucket list that I wrote way back 2012)
☑ First time to attend Watercolor Session
☑ First time to attend Calligraphy Workshop
☑ First time to attend Spoken Word Poetry
☑ First romantic break up with my (first) boyfriend of four years
☑ First time at Breakout Manila (with Psych friends)
☑ First time at Mystery Manila (with officemates)
☑ First time to win Company Raffle (with a twist)
☑ First time to get the garter at a wedding
☑ First time at Ben Cab Museum
☑ First time on Lettuce Picking
☑ Dabarkads Business Planning
☑ Costa Marquina Resort with newly elected Sangguniang Kabataan
☑ First-time gun shooting
☑ Reunion with Site HR OJT
☑ Attended Musical Play in Ateneo (it wasn't the first time tho)
☑ First time in a bar alone to drink and cry (Deqada Bar)
☑ First time in Estancia Tagaytay (and first out of town with Psych friends)
☑ Almost had a one-night stand HUHUHU scaryyyyy
☑ First time to date a total stranger (it happened twice this year huhuhu due to extreme sadness/way to forget)
☑ Planned to work abroad with a friend
☑ Attended UAAP Men's Basketball (not the first time tho)
☑ Befriended Nescie
☑ Second time in Baguio
☑ Second time in Dreamland Cafe
☑ Second time in Pililla Wind Mill
☑  Executed events/workshops like Diet Consultation, Ash Wednesday Mass, Thanksgiving Mass, Corporate Sweetheart, Dance Showdown, Annual Physical Exam, Paper Quilling,  etc.
☑ Got my passport
☑ Applied and got my credit card
☑ Opened a passbook/bank account other than payroll account

and many more that I really can't remember atm...


This coming year, 2019, will be different. Here are my goals that I want to achieve. I promise to force myself and to keep the fire on me to stay committed to making these things real. In the last days of 2019, I'll look at this entry again and see if I fulfill my wishes.

☑️ Travel abroad (July 20, 2019)
☑️ Work abroad (August 15, 2019)
☑️ Resign (July 19, 2019)
☑️ Move on completely
☑️ Fall in love again (October 12, 2019)
☑️ Get a (serious/lifetime) boyfriend (although I'm not in a hurry, but still, I want to feel again the kilig feeling of taking care of someone ♡❤♡)
☐ Go to Star City/Enchanted Kingdom (already went there but still, I want to go there before I go abroad)
☐ Give a token of appreciation to the friends I love
☑️ Get a big size teddy bear (June 2021)
☐ Commitment to the Habit Tracker
☐ Minimize procrastination
☐ Hike Mt. Ugo
☐ Hike Mt. Sicapoo
☑️ Graduate in June 2019
☑️ Shop in Taytay Market
☑️ Have a meaningful talk with a stranger
☐ Storytelling/blog about Bearbrand (I don't know if I still want to do it, but for the sake of memories lol)
☐ Talk to Bearbrand and bid the last farewell since I'll be going in a faraway land
☑️ Bid farewell to the (closest) people in the Philippines
☑️ Meet friends I haven't seen in a long time (e.g. buddy, Le Anne, Judee, Karla, Jay-ar, etc)
☐ Read The Alchemist Book
☐ Read The Book of Lost Things
☐ Read Rich Dad, Poor Dad
☑️ Finish How I Met Your Mother
☐ Buy DSLR and pursue passion in photography
☐ Finish the 2019 planner
☑️ Get Watercolor Pad and set aside time for watercolor session
☐ Submit an Intent Letter to MPC for a part-time teaching position
☐ Date Mama
☐ Celebrate 61st birthday of Mama
☐ Be active in The Feast/Destiny
☑️ Submit the pending 2018 liquidation
☐ Get my Training Facilitator Certificate
☐ Brush off self-doubt


(this list isn't final yet; maybe I'll add some things, I just can't remember what else I want to achieve)

Ganbatte, banunay-chan! Let's go with the #Braver2019

What you think, you become.
What you feel, you attract.
What you imagine, you create.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Leaving everything behind this 2018

I miss you.

Sometimes i feel like these three words are enough. They some up the past four years of my life. They sum up my story with you, but if you're looking for more details, then let me tell you exactly when i miss you.

I miss you when i'm alone. I miss your warmth that melted the ice inside my heart. I miss your vibrant energy that could fill even my darkest nights with color. I miss your aura and how it used to fill my lonely nights with life. I miss how i stopped being afraid of the dark when you were beside me.

I miss you when I'm with people. When i look at them and remember you. When i talk to them and hear your voice. When i make them smile and suddenly picture you.

I just miss you.

Missing you has become my habit. My routine. Because missing you is better than forgetting you.

Missing you is what reminds me that i can still feel--that i can still love.

And if you think my silence means that i forgot about you--then you're wrong. I just stopped trying to work the things with us. Because when i stopped talking to you, it doesn't mean i already stop loving you.

This 2019, however, will be different. I won't just stop messaging you; but, i will start trying to totally forget you. For this 2019 is the start of something new, and I don't want to not miss you at all.



PS I still have a Passion Project to narrate our untold love story so that i can fully start forgetting you. Hello, readers (if ever i have one huhu), just one more entry about him, umay na umay na ako e :)


♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Untitled poem way back 2012

Honestly, I don't remember why I wrote this poem, nor who was that friend I was referring to... but here it is, folks :D

Last night, I was not myself
I felt down, and I needed help,
But I was alone, no one to hold
I was stoned, I must stay cold.

I wish i didn't look at you
It made me want to get through
I had to escape, or else I'd melt
It was too late, your arms, I felt.

I wish you didn't hold me close,
and warmed me as my tears flowed
No longer stoned, i was human again
No longer alone, i was with a friend.

These wishes aren't granted yet
But honestly, i have no regrets;
It's funny what a hug can do
For a moment, i have loved you.

So, friends, please huuug me when you see me. No one hugs me these days *saaaad*


Timestamp in my notebook:
August 5, 2012 :)


♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Until my heart beats again for someone

Maybe, I really don't like him.

We were sweet. We were on a bus. We were in a tent. We were on the highest mountain in Luzon.  That's what you like, Banunay, right? He hugged me. He cared for me like how my ex caressed me when I feel cold. He made me feel warm. But what's stopping me? Why am I feeling less? I don't want to hurt him yet I let him hug me. He even bought a rain jacket for me. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that someone is appreciating and caring for me, but I am too kind to fool around, I can't play with someone's heart. Maybe, I like the idea of having someone who would love me. Maybe, I don't like him, I am just longing for someone who would take care of me. Yes, I am strong and I can live alone, but who am I to deny that it feels so good when someone is taking care of you.

My love language is quality time, seconded by physical touch. And there he was, he made me feel like I was a queen. He let my head lean on his shoulder. He kissed my forehead, he stole hugs. I felt secure knowing that someone was taking care of me throughout our hike at Mt. Pulag. But why am I feeling this way? I couldn't see myself with him long term. Yes, I now have travel and hike buddy, but how about the late-night talks, the deep conversations, and the intellectual discussion? I have standards, and I think, those things are non-negotiable for me. We have exchanged conversations before, but I couldn't find any substance, or maybe minimal. I really want a well-versed man, someone who will inspire me to be better, someone who will introduce me to the world I haven't seen--someone who is not him, I think.

Or maybe, I am just afraid to love? Maybe, I am not yet fully healed? I know, I don't want to feel the pain anymore. And I couldn't trust his words. My gut feeling says I shouldn't continue seeing him. We were under the beautiful sky, full of stars, sharing each other's body heat through a hug--it was perfect, maybe a romantic moment. But why am I feeling empty?

Or maybe, he isn't the right one. Or maybe, I am not in the right condition yet. Maybe, there is no magic yet because my heart still belongs to the past? Or maybe, he really is not the one I am looking for, who could make me risk in love again.

I'll wait for him, for the right one to come.

I'll wait until my heart beats again for someone.



Marlboro Camp Site, Mt. Pulag
10.13-14.2018

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Long hiatus after i shut my heart down

The best version of myself--

I don't know how to start this blog entry. To be honest, I have so many things in my mind. I wanted to write down everything way before this moment but I couldn't because I don't know where to start nor couldn't put these into words.

I'm actually feeling better now that we separated ways. I think the break up happened last March was really for the best. I regained myself. I don't depend on my happiness to other people anymore. I appreciate life as it unfolds naturally. I don't need to wait for his texts anymore. I finally know my worth, that I shouldn't settle for someone who doesn't really care for me.

Actually, someone is pursuing me as of the moment. Unfortunately, I think I am not yet ready to enter a new relationship. To be honest, the reason why I couldn't open my heart to the new guy is that my ex still has a tiny place in my heart. Yes, you read it right, I still love him a little but not to the point that I would go to him and beg for his love. I thought I was totally over him, but one night, when everyone was asleep and the world was silent, it was him that I dreamt. We were on a date like everything has just happened yesterday. I was happy with him and comfortable. We exchanged stories. It felt so real. I missed him.

It hit me. Before that dream, I was so sure to give this new guy a chance. He adores me, maybe. He expresses his liking to me. We exchange conversations and gradually, I notice myself smiling while reading his replies. Then, I suddenly paused, this is so familiar, exchanging messages every day, smiling to the conversations, the mushy compliments, unlimited good mornings/afternoons/evenings. I know where these lead. Long before I realize, I'll be starting to lose my wall, open up, and expose myself. Eventually, my heart will finally give in. I'm scared. I told him,

"Ang galing mo mambola ah, narinig ko na 'yan. Sa umpisa lang 'yan! Tapos kapag na-attach na yung girl, aalis na. Mga modus operandi niyo." 

"Uy hindi ako ganun ha. Na-attach ka na?"

Minutes passed and I still hadn't replied.

"Hindi ah"

"Sabi ko nga. Nag-a-assume ako e. Pero ako, naa-attach na sa'yo..."

The thing is, I want to fall in love again, but I am too afraid to let a person comes to my life the way my ex did. I am scared that when they get to know me, they'll just discover that I am not that great. He said I am so strong and cool, but the truth is I am weak. I am emotional but I love people deeply. That is why it is so scary to fall into the familiar trap again and let people know your weakness.

I needed months just to be happy like this again. I traveled to new places, I climbed mountains just to be back to my original wiring--just to be this happy. I am healed but the scars are still there, still fresh--just a scratch and they will bleed again.

I am alone but not lonely (sometimes). I have so many friends to accompany me and I am studying Masters to make myself busy. However, the wedding I attended last Saturday made me realize that I'm depriving myself of love. The new guy clearly told me, he wants to court me. He knows I want a serious relationship. He is fully aware that I am not the girl who likes to fool around and play games with someone's heart. I don't want to waste my time and effort on someone who I don't see myself in the future. But, I don't know if he could make me happy because first and foremost, I haven't given him a chance to let him do that. I'm not being fair maybe--to him and to myself.

I got the garter. Yes, on the wedding last Saturday--the traditional ritual to determine who will be the next bride. So, am I the next one to get married? Even without a groom? The moment was somewhat awkward, I was not comfortable that a stranger was kneeling down doing strange things on my legs. On the other hand, attending wedding ceremonies like this makes me want to dream again, that there is someone out there worthy to take the risk. Maybe, someone is capable of loving me? I don't think I am that unwanted. Honestly, I have so many love to give like potential energy waiting for a trigger to be converted as kinetic. The thoughts of walking down the aisle, dressed up, wearing a beautiful elegant white gown, going towards with the special man waiting for me at the altar, tears me up. Sure, I am hopeless romantic, and maybe, someone out there will get to notice that and make my dream comes true.

As per the new guy, I still want to give him a chance, but maybe, there is just no magic [yet], or we really just didn't click that much (or I just really didn't give him a chance after all because I am still drunk with the past.) I mean, he is nice and sweet (and kinilig din naman ako sa kanya once re the hug during the night camping on a mountain) but some part of me is still doubting that he isn't the one. He is the epitome of my prayers way back January, when I was talking to a friend in a Resto-Bar where I said, "I want someone nice and sweet,  who will love me more than I love him, who will accompany me to beautiful places, who will hug me at the top of the mountains..." However, even if you have so many qualifications in your mind, when you don't feel the magic, it won't go smoothly as what you aimed it to be. I consulted a friend who've gone through the same experience and she said that I will never really feel the same magic the way my first did. Or maybe, I am just really broken, pretending to be strong, faking that I am totally over with my past.

Or who knows, maybe I just need to wait a little more time to meet "him". And when I finally meet him, all my whats and whys will be answered. He will make me believe in love again and make me realize that he is worth the wait. He will make me feel the magic of falling deeply to someone and I don't need to compromise to the point that I am losing my passion just to save him. I learned a lot because of my ex, and I wouldn't dare to make the same mistake of sacrificing my own being just to keep him stay. People who love you will stay and care for you because they want to, not because they are feeling guilty. Although he made me happy a lot of times, there were no doubts that I was so miserable because of his incapacity to sacrifice and love selflessly. Don't take me wrong for I still love him (a little) though and I accepted his shortcomings because no one's perfect after all.

So, hello my future lover, please bear with me if I am so strong in pushing you away. Be persistent in pursuing me and never give up for I have a soft heart; your efforts are being noted, I just don't want you to see that I appreciate them for I don't want you to take me for granted. Please be vocal about your feelings and intentions, for I don't want to assume. If you are not honest and won't say your feelings to me directly, I'll just brush off my thoughts and totally move on with you even if I really like you. I don't want to suffer from unrequited or unequal love anymore.

Please note that I am waiting for you. In the meantime, I am busy becoming a better version of myself so when I finally meet you, I am ready to give you the happiness you also deserve. Please be awesome, I know you are on your way to me but don't keep me waiting for so long for I will eventually give in to the temptations and settle with someone who really cares for me. Furthermore, I am excited to meet you--the one who will make me understand why he and I didn't work out, the one who will make me feel again the special thing called love.

I am waiting for you, but I am still in the process of being the best version of myself--and that version is with you, right beside you at the altar in front of a priest and our loved ones.


PS I am really excited for 2019... I have a lot of plans which include traveling abroad and maybe work there for years. Who knows, I'll find you there, my dear :)

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Indeed, a happy birthday

I just got time to be thankful for the friends who are always there with me through ups and downs. Cliché as it is but I really am so blessed to have them through the years (a decade and still counting). I was overwhelmed by happiness for the fact that these people, despite going to the busy Ortigas just to surprise me, braving the traffic and lack of sleep, didn't even bother staying with me up until midnight/next day just to make me feel happy on that special day. I couldn't help but reflect on life on how I met these awesome people and what did I do to deserve them. Yes, it's really magical, to think that we could mean so much to other people... that someone could really make an impact on someone's life, that someone would really care for you and for your well being without expecting something in return. Maybe, it is true that people come and go, but some people will stay with you and will stick even on your darkest days.

That time, I was so speechless... couldn't digest what was happening. Although it was clear to me that I was (and still I am) so blessed to meet these amazing people... to actually be friends to people who genuinely care for you, although you have nothing. I couldn't utter a word for a time... and when my mouth finally moved and did its job, it was a single "thanks" it could offer. It didn't give consolation to what my heart wanted to tell.

I was overwhelmed by love. You have seen my worst; seen me weep like a child. And, you, all, are still here with me. Thank you for always checking on me. Thank you for the countless, "kamusta ka na?", "kaya mo 'yan" to name a few. And most importantly, thank you for giving me hugs every time the words fail. Cheers to countless memories with you all >>>>:)<<<<<

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Congrats!

To the person who broke my heart, congratulations on getting this award. I know, I should still be angry with you and curse you all my life, but I couldn't. Maybe, I just love you so much that I still want the best for you no matter what.

You know what, I am really proud of what you become. But, it saddens me that I am not there with you to personally congratulate you and share your happiness. Looking back from the days when we were talking about our dreams, the moments when the night was young and our struggles were so big, and so as our worries--I am really glad that you already surpassed the dark days and proud that you already achieved the things you wanted to achieve. Too bad, you did not wait for me, see me grow and reach my dreams.

I don't know if I am the one you're referring to in your post. It also pains me to think that you already have someone cheers for you and believe in your potentials. Don't worry, whoever she is, I am thankful to her for sticking and encouraging you to become better. And for that new girl in your life, hi! Please take care of him for I love him very much. Always be with him even on the times when he gets so difficult. Please remember that he has a fragile heart and he needs sincere commendation and affection. Be with him on the congratulatory days like this but stay by his side even more on the days when the sun doesn't shine so bright.


To you, the person who broke my heart, keep soaring high! Although you can't see this post, please believe that I will always be rooting for your happiness and success. And if you're feeling down or starting to doubt yourself, always believe in me who believes in you. I know you can do it! I want you to be happy, so promise me you're in the right place.

To you, once again, congratulations, Bearbrand.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Until we meet again

I knew this would happen.

I really knew, looking back from previous posts, I knew something was wrong in our relationship. We just didn't give up easily. But there was a missing piece. I knew it all along; I just brushed it off my mind. Because I needed him. He gave me happiness.

He explained to me what happened through chat. And what he said was right. It was written here. How he had doubts even before 2014. I wrote it down here--the sudden change of his behavior. The everyday calls turned to being occasional. The effort he gave me lessen as the days passed. I just chose to be blinded by love. I knew it all along, yet I didn't do anything. I didn't set him free.

Four years had passed, yet the doubts grew and grew until he didn't feel anything. He was no longer happy. He tried, but it didn't work. I loved him, and love shouldn't be like this right? And so, even though it was painful, even though I could still bear the hurt, even though I wanted him to stay with me... I chose to let him go. I wanted him to be free.

That's what love means right, putting other people's happiness over yours? But love, also, is sweet in the beginning, yet the infatuation will fade as time goes by and what matters will be the commitment and the bond you've shared. I hope he will understand it one day, that no matter how in love or how attractive someone is, it will eventually fade. And you just need to choose that person over and over again.

I was thankful, for what its worth, at least he tried. He stayed even though he knew he was unhappy. He tried to restore his feelings for me--but it made me sad also, for I was willing to give him everything, but that everything was not he needed. He needed happiness, and that happiness is not me.

Dear, you may now go, and if you didn't find your happiness, remember that I am just here waiting for you until I become ready to meet the one that fits for me. Until the love I have for you is gone. Until then, I probably will embrace you wholeheartedly.

I hope I could find someone who will love me. Hi future lover, I am just here with so much love and I am excited to give it to you. I am looking forward to meeting you soon.


♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Before I let you go, I want to say I love you

Four days vacation. This is what I really need right now. This is what I'm looking forward to. Because of the recent unofficial breakup and the toxicity of work, this is, I think, what I really deserve.

Weeks before, I was so sure that I would let him go. He needs someone better than me, he wants to explore his youth, he wants to try everything before he settles down. Actually, I don't really know, I just come up with these explanations based on the hints he is giving. I don't blame him for that. I know it hurts to hear the truth but I really value honesty. And it's really good that we encounter this before he decides to settle down with me (which I don't know if will happen or not). At least, before we tie the knot, he gets to realize everything before he commits to something bigger--that's what I thought.

It's almost three weeks, and I am still in pain. I haven't talked to him yet. I am still in the dilemma of whether to choose to let him go or become a martyr and fight for my love. After all, would I give up the man of my dreams just like that? Maybe, this is the last straw before we end up together? Maybe this is just a phase for him so he'll become sure of me?

But the overthinking me and all the unanswered questions are really killing me every day. I used to cry every day. But, today, this Holy Week, where I get to see the movie Siargao, I am now sure that we really need to talk. I really need clarity about what is really going on in his head. I want to know if he has someone on his mind that's why he doesn't want me anymore, or he really just needs space because we were together since 2014, and maybe somewhat, he misses himself or his time alone. I don't blame him at all, for somewhat, I became dependent on him, I cling to him, and I longed for his presence. Maybe I cling to him too much, and he was choked by my love. Maybe. I really don't know.

That's why we really need to talk. Yes, you, my dear. We need to talk to settle all these issues. So, I will stop blaming myself for what I've done or what I think I've done. We need to be clear if you really need space or you want to really end our relationship forever. Before, I don't really agree with the idea of "space", I think it's just prolonging the agony of someone which will lead to break up in the end. But now, I don't know, maybe to console myself, I just want to think that you really need space because you lost yourself in our relationship and you want to be sure that I am really your "The One" before you settle down.

Actually, as of the moment, I really want to save this relationship. I want you to remember why you loved me if ever you forget the reasons. I want you to know that I really love you and I can see you with me in the future. I want you to remember the days that I really treasure the most. I want to tell you everything, that even a boring day for other people means so much to me. I want you to know that I tried to forget you, and I am still trying to, but in the end, the memories are flashing back even before I knew. I went to Coron, Palawan, I traveled and went to places I've never been, I tried to do the things I love, but no matter what I do, or how beautiful the place is, I still long for you. It's you I want to be with. It is you that I love. So don't ever think that you cannot give me what I want or you cannot accompany me to the places I want to go to, because, everything doesn't really matter to me without you. I cannot lie to myself, it is you that I want. You are my home. And I don't want to have regrets in my life that I let you go away from me without doing anything.

But, I don't want to force you. If you don't love me anymore, tell me. Tell it to me directly. And I will let you go. I really love you and I cannot see you suffer because of me. I don't want to give you pain. I want you to be happy, even though I am not the one who gives that to you. You are my happiness, and if I am not yours, then I will set you free. Love is selfless, yes it is. I don't want to be selfish. But, before I let you go, I want you to know that I am here; that I am the one who stayed with you through thick and thin.

You know what, the grasses are always greener on the other side. So maybe, you're just longing for a perfect relationship, but in the end, you end up looking for a non-existent thing. Because love, my dear, is a choice, and a commitment. You need to choose what you love and love what you choose. Love is real, and in reality, there is really no perfection. That's why I stayed with you because even though you cannot give me 2 out of the ten things I need, you give me the remaining 8 plus the familiarity and assurance that you love me. But, maybe I need to stop choosing you now because, in life, you cannot always choose someone who doesn't choose you.

I cannot forgive you because you left me when I am still searching for myself. I waited for you to be successful, to where you are right now. I chose to stay with you even if it was painful. I cared for you even in the darkest moments of your life. And yet, you left me. You didn't stay. You said you would wait for me--but where are you now?

However, I don't want us to part ways with this resentment. After all, you gave me so many good memories to remember, that is why it's hard for me to let you go. So, maybe, when the time comes, when we can face each other and talk, I can really tell you everything I want to say. And I hope you can feel my overwhelming love, just for you. I can give everything to you; I can also give up everything for you, even if it is my own heart.


Every day is painful just so you know. But, I don't blame you. I don't want to blame you.

"Imagine if buhay natin may reset button, just press reset. Then one epic wipeout lang. Gone. Burado lahat." - Diego, Siargao Movie 2017

I hope I could really reset everything, not to erase the memories, but to experience all the happy memories and to correct the things I've done that hurt you.

And, I hope, I was once your happy memory.

Because to me, you are and will be, forever, my happy memory. Always.

I can still remember yesterday
We were so in love in a special way
And knowing that you love me
Made me feel, oh, so right
But now I feel lost
Don't know what to do
Each and everyday I think of you
Holdin' back the tears
I'm trying with all my might


Because you've gone and left me
Standin' all alone
And I know i've got to face
Tomorrow on my own
But baby


Before I let you go
I want to say I love you
I hope that you're listenin'
'coz it's true, baby, oh yeah
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do

So before I let you go
I want to say "i love you"

I wish that it could be
Just like before
I know I could've given you
So much more
Even though you know
I've given you all my love
I miss your smile, I miss your kiss
Each and everyday I reminisce
'coz baby it's you
That i'm always dreaming of

Letting love go is never easy
But I love you so
That's why I set you free
I know someday, somehow
I'll find a way
To leave it all behind me
I guess it wasn't meant to be
But baby

Before I let you go
I want to say I love you
I hope that you're listenin' 'coz it's true, baby, oh yeah
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do

So before I let you go
I want to say...

So before I let you go
I want to say "i love you"

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

This is the end of our chapter

I don't know where to start. Actually, I don't know if i could write all my feelings here. I'm still in shock. I'm in deep pain, because


You left me.


You left me in the most unexpected time. Last week before this separation, we were still happy together. I felt so loved, and hours prior to 4AM, when you asked me if I wanted to continue this relationship, we were happy. We were doing our weekly routine. We were eating at a restobar then coffee after.

Yes, this is the end. You caught me off guard, when i thought everything was smooth sailing. I wasn't prepared. I am still not prepared, and hurting, and in deep pain.

How many tears shall i cry before i feel numb? I'm trying to forget you but how, when i can only think all day is to why did this happen to us. How many sleeps shall i have before i can wake up to the reality that you no longer love me? I don't know if you're still coming back, and i don't want to have false hope, so might as well think that the midnight we had last week was the last. Those hugs and kisses were all just parting gifts to my broken heart.

I loved you; i love you, but i don't want to continue loving you. You're the one who walked away. You're the one who see me only in the present but not on his future. You're the one searching if there is someone better than me for you. You're the one who kill me with your honest words. But i appreciate your honesty, although that honesty will haunt and kill me for who knows how long?

There are times when I'm lying in my bed
Hug my pillow and cry from this tip again
And my eyes are like windshields on a rainy day
Almost rubbed down, swelling, as I keep on
Dipping my face in these cold hands of mine
Heaven knows how bitter I am

That was your favorite song on a karaoke machine. If only i knew back then that this would be my song for you.

'Cause this angel has flown away from me
Leaving me in drunken misery
I should have clipped his wings and made him mine
For all eternity

You said we would be seeing each other one last time. I'm not yet ready. I have so many questions to ask, and so many things to say for the one last time. For. One. Last. Chance.

Now this angel has flown away from me
Thought I had the strength to set him free
Did what I did because I love him so
Will he ever find his way back home to me?

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Sagada Sunset

Lake Danum, Sagada, Mt. Province

Sitting there; watching the sunset.

Although this picture didn't really capture the exact moment nor the feelings I felt that time, may this serve as a memento of that day--when I was directly looking at the sun, thinking about how life can be so wonderful, sometimes.

And yes, sunset will always be my favorite, for it always reminds me that no matter what happens, a day can also end beautifully.

It also says that there is also beauty in goodbye. Maybe, you just need to embrace the dark for a little while for it will shine for you one more time.

Project 1:22 Series 2018

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥