"Kamusta ka na?"
This is our common greeting every time months passed that we haven't talked to each other. A conversation starter that sometimes lasts for hours, or even days. But, today was different. The line we, or maybe just I, usually look forward to reading in my chatbox became the saddest line to be told.
I don't know how to start this narration for I am lost for words at the moment. I really couldn't understand myself especially this feeling I have right now. But one thing I know, I just don't want regrets in my life.
Before I actually came here, I was aware of the possibility of really not having a chance to be with you. I know for a fact that I don't know what I am doing with my life so I might as well don't act upon this feeling I have for you. I actually don't know exactly what is this feeling for I am afraid to hurt you if I figured myself that I don't actually like you. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose a friend that stays in the end.
But here it is--you told me things. I was feeling okay at that time especially when you told me what you did that was so ironic to your values--to my values. It was my usual self-righteous persona that tells people their deeds are not right and make them realize their wrongness. It will always be like this, I think, no matter who the person I am talking to, even if it isn't you. But then, when things sank into me, I began to wonder, was that the right thing to do? Just to let everything happens without doing anything.
So here it is now. I still don't know what to say but I want to try to utter words just to hear me out. This might be the last chance I have for you to reach my words so I want to do it even though it's hard. Truth to be told, I was really feeling okay that time, I was just so disappointed to you because I knew you were so different from any other guys I know, but then, like any other else, you were the same. Hours passed, still shocked; I was just doing my daily routine, then it came to me, "oh wait, why am I feeling a bit hurt?" It hit me. It will never be the same again.
The reason why I don't want to say anything regarding my feelings towards you is because I, too, am not sure about that. I don't know if I am just in love with the idea of love and you are just there who are always by my side when I need you the most. I am also afraid that "us" will not work if we pursue the idea of being together provided that we don't have the chance to meet in person. More importantly, I am afraid of the thought that maybe I would be using you as a rebound just to forget the pain my ex inflicted me. You don't deserve that; you're too kind to get hurt. You were too precious for me, and I didn't want to play with your heart, might as well risk our stable friendship. Those were my thoughts on why I was holding back.
And now I don't know what to say. Hahaha. Too bad I'm lost with words were in fact words were flooding me before I decided to write these thoughts. But somehow, writing these here is my serenity. That I got to be honest with myself once more, and the next right thing to do is be honest with you too. I don't blame you for doing that or falling for other girls (except the fact that what you guys did were wrong). I mean I could fully-fledged support your happiness if it starts with the right process and correct manner. I really am rooting for your happiness, and I understand that proximity matters in relationships. I also don't know if you feel the same way towards me, but, maybe, just to console my soul for having another regret in my life, I just want to be honest with you. So brace yourself~ I don't love you yet, but I like your soul. It is always like that. And if we are really not meant to be, then it is fine for me. I just wish you happiness in life.
You know what, I was looking forward to our Japan trip next year. I had plans to actually confess these things to you. Actually, I would like to say these to you way before our first meeting last April, but then I was just afraid that I would be the one to break my promise knowing I had a major transition in my life. Maybe, I would meet someone and because of vulnerability and homesickness, I would lie to you and break your heart. And I wasn't really sure of what I feel that time. I know I am loyal and I would not find another guy when I am in a committed relationship but who knows what happens--that's what I thought. I don't want to disprove myself. Then again, it resurfaced. I planned to gift myself a peace of mind and confess everything to you on my birthday, unfortunately, I was really sad that time, my visa got postponed and I didn't want to add another problem in my mind. August came, some people were chatting with me and asking for my whereabouts, that was when you stopped messaging me. I promise myself never ever to bother you again. I thought, "how come other people are worried about me, but then, you who know what my real situation is, never ever bother to ask if I'm doing okay." I convinced myself, maybe I wasn't sure about my feelings for you, so I would just let it pass until it becomes a mere memory.
If you're wondering why I am saying this to you now, I don't know too. It is not like I want you to think of it or make it harder for you. I also don't want an answer for I am not asking you--I just want you to hear me out. Maybe, I just thought, even if I don't say these words to you, if you pursue that girl and become committed to her, I will still distance myself from you. That's who I am. I just don't like to meddle with people, and if I do that, it will still not be the same. So, saying these to you now or keeping these thoughts will just have the same effect I think. You are so oblivious too, giving signs won't do good for you, things should be spelled out just for you to get the message, right? Also, I said to myself before, if there's a good chance to say these things to you, I would grab that for I just want to put an end with these. I just don't like hanging with a dead tree. I want to move forward.
But don't worry, since I already said this (hopefully), eventually, it will get better. Just give me time to heal. It's not even deep like the scars I had before. Mani lang 'to compared to the tears I shed for my last failed love. I hope we could stay friends. I just need this in order to eliminate what if in my life. And I promise you that I will still message you if I cannot handle my thoughts anymore. Please don't ignore me. :)
♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥
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