WedThursday Blues!

I am beginning to think that I really don't have luck in love. That I already experienced loving someone and being loved by the one I loved and this card had been used once in a lifetime. After my ex broke my heart, I never really experience the same trust and love I felt before. The one that I know would last a lifetime.

My first and I broke up because we don't have the same goals. What we have was a happy present but we could not figure out the future together given that we have different views and dreams in life. He fell out of love. I would have wanted to settle down and have kids on my own while he, as he told me, couldn't imagine himself of taking a child and being a responsible father for another human being. He couldn't see me and all my dreams in the future. What we have was present.

My second love wasn't really love for I was afraid to fall deeply and that I couldn't give my heart to anyone else at that time. It was after my major heartbreak that my friend and I got to become closer even more being our souls and minds were naked to each other. I really loved how our conversation flew, jumping from one topic to another. Despite the distance, we—or maybe I felt that he was so close to me that all the people near me would be blurry. All I craved was to talk to him and meet him again closer, physically.

After that, I met someone who really took care of me while living abroad. He really became my home and cured all the anxieties and loneliness I felt because of homesickness. He made sure that I felt his love and proved to me that I could trust him. But two years later, problems arose. Because he and I did not have the same upbringing as he was born from another nation, it was hard to fight for his culture. His mother was against us. I loved him and he loved me but was that enough to fight all the people that he loved who don't agree with us? It was hard. 

Lastly, it was the ex of my friend who I got to know well. I would not have any intention of looking at him but due to teases and all, and us living in the same apartment made me see how kind he is. I somewhat think that we are compatible, however, time was not really our friend as it doesn't want us to be together for he will migrate soon. After all, who am I to force him not to? To tell him don't go? If you love or like a person, you just want the best for them, right? And so, the battle of me versus fate start rolling again. Was it the time and distance that I was afraid that hinder me to push through with my friend? And now, they are haunting me again.

So again, my Beloved, I am calling Your name. I hate this waiting game but please give me the courage to wait and trust Your plan. I cannot understand it anymore. Give me the strength to believe in Your will. Give me patience to wait for the right timing and trust the process. I want to have faith in You and that all that I have been through, in the end, will be all worth it. That I would get to realize why all those things—the rejections, the hurts, the pain, the tears, happened to lead me from what You are promising to me. Lord, please let my worries and fears be small and my faith in You is stronger than anything else. I am tired and weary of questioning you for I couldn't understand everything.

Lord, I know these will all too pass. But, I just need something to be holding on to. I need assurance. I just want to be happy. I am praying for You.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Tuesday Musings

Have you ever thought of what you really want to do in your life? This is the thought bubbles of mine as I recently talked to a lot of my friends regarding goals and dreams in life. I somewhat feel like I am being left behind―them being doing what they really want while I am here still stuck with my own world enjoying things day by day. 

As of the moment, I still really don't know what I really want to do. I have many things I want to accomplish in life but my end goal is just the same―I just want a simple comfortable life with a family to love and children of mine to take care of along with my loving husband. I can still see myself being a goal-oriented wife with a blooming career but technically, I would not replace anything in the world except for having a happy family I will be nourishing for a lifetime.

I couldn't help but ask a friend who recently achieved his dream: how it feels to be living the dream he was once dreaming of. He said it feels overwhelming, and I kind of agree. For a person who used to dream a lot and push through with it, I feel the familiar feeling of this overwhelming joy of striving and the happy feeling of hustling to achieve your passion. I wonder when did I stop feeling it? Or maybe, just as what my other friend told me, it is just that I am in the phase of hibernation due to the many uncontrollable things happening in the world. After all, life is like seasons―spring, summer, fall, and winter. There is always a time to hustle but there will always room to pause, relax, and just live in the moment. 

Just as the season changes, winter will be ending soon and I should be doing what I need to do. To invest in my future and start hustling again. It is the day when I need to turn the page of my favorite book as I have been stuck for this chapter in a while. This year, I need to focus and think what I really want to do in life, and to start preparing for the next year and the coming years. I need to focus again so when I finally reach my end goal and read this writing again, I will thank myself for what I have become.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Congrats!

Kind of thinking about what to buy for you but I ended up buying this. A gift suited for us for this is what we also lack–time. :) Also, it was hard for me to pick this for I told myself before never to exert effort on someone who I am not sure of... but maybe, this is just me, doing things I like to lessen regrets in life. 

Looking back, I never really regret all the things I have done even if these eventually hurt me in the end. On the other hand, those things I did not do, haunt me up to now. This is why I don't want to repeat the same mistake twice. I don't know if you remember but this is our first conversation online when I invited you to a surprise birthday of her. That in everything you do, always consider if the decision you will choose will make you happy or haunt you with regret forever. Having said that, I will just let myself go with the flow and just be honest with what I am feeling right now. Especially since what I have is only now and we both know that the future is uncertain we could not even comprehend.

Thank you! I don't know exactly when did you notice me or if you are really serious about appreciating me but on my side, I know for a fact that I noticed you just this recently. Surely, I don't love you yet, but what I can honestly say right now is that I feel comfortable with you in the brief moment we were together. Felt a bit awkward sometimes since I want to digest my feelings as well and want to take things slowly. But I want to commend you for being brave in life. I like you for being responsible with your life and how you never give up easily despite all the challenges you have gone through. How I wish I was there with you during those dark days of your life to support you as well and to cheer you up. It was a sweet victory to utter congratulatory words to someone who you are with during their lowest of lows. Too bad, I wasn't there, but know that I am proud of you too. I also felt your genuineness and kindness during the wedding of Kuya Troy & Ate Angel. Your words, and vulnerability especially when you cried while giving your speech that day made my heart soften for you. I like people who are genuine. And I think you have a beautiful soul.

If I found out earlier that we have a thing, maybe it will not really work out as well provided that you have a history with my friend and I am a person who doesn't want conflict and mess. I would feel guilty knowing what happened to both of you and how I witnessed her cry for you. But don't take me wrong, I understand you both sides, her being who the person she is, and you who explained to me finally your side.

Moreover,  I intentionally don't want to get involved between you two and set boundaries not to get close to you. But because I lived here in a place you consider home, I started to know you more indirectly. I started to notice your aggressiveness and short-temperedness but still fun-loving who really cares for your loved ones. Even though we are not really talking, it feels like I have known you since then for all our housemates are telling stories about you. Up until now, I really cannot read and comprehend you--but somewhat, it is easier to trust you knowing that a lot of people love you and trust you all those years. Seeing you and your friends take care of each other make me miss the constants I left behind in the Philippines.

Anyway, I am writing you this letter to tell you that whatever happens in the future, I hope I become a good memory to you. Even though our chapter here in UAE is so short, please know that what I told you and what I let you feel is all true. I don't want pretentiousness and I am a person who you can easily read of. I will also tell you in front if I don't like it or not. But a little bit of maybes and in-betweens won't hurt us sometimes--like the reason why I got transferred to your flat which is one of the best decisions I had here in UAE. Because of that unwillingness to transfer location, I met all of you here and found a home away from home. <3 

Furthermore, I really wish you good luck in your future endeavor. Also, please know that I don't actually want to tell anything between us to other people because I don't really know what will happen in the future. I don't want you to have any restrictions shall you meet someone there and you are conscious with our housemates because maybe I will know. Or you would tell them not to tell me because maybe they will think I will be sad. If we are the only two who know what is happening between us, at least mas mabilis yung moving on process. Like if you found someone there, then no one will ask me if I am okay and that I can just cry with myself alone hahaha. Basta, I don't want you to be restricted because of me. I will be happy if you will be happy there even if it is not me who's making you happy. :) I really know the feeling of coming to an unknown place where you really don't know anything and anyone. It was like a brand new canvass waiting for you to draw and fill colors. I will be happy to be your good friend anyway. And besides, we really don't have a lot of foundations, to begin with. But know that you deserve someone as good as you and don't settle for anything less just because you are lonely (especially if it is cheating or 3rd party or kabit ah! Please, don't!!!) You deserve to be happy and I am praying for you to find happiness in everything that you do. And I hope you pray for my happiness as well even though I know for a fact that it will really take time for me to get to know someone since I really am that full of trust issues haha! Promise me to let me know shall you meet someone nice there. I would be sad so but I will still root for your happiness nonetheless.

We may never know what the future holds. I don't even know what I am doing with my life but know that once in your life, you have met here :) I will also feel sad if we part ways permanently especially if I decided to move out of the house and left Tito for we will never really have any form of connections along with your Maubanian tropapips na bully! But still, I am happy to have met you all here since 2020. I always tell that to them, and I want you to know that as well since I don't think I had a chance to tell you that.

Keep in touch! I know you have so many friends closer than me but if you do feel homesick there, you can still beep me up. Good luck on your new journey! We are proud of you :)

PS. Hope you like the watch, I personally choose the rubber strap so you can use it during your duty since pwedeng mabasa hihi unlike the metal and leather. Maybe you have an existing watch na but this is what fits for you... for us, time difference and the time constraints we never really have. God bless you always <3

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

2022!

It has been a while since I last wrote here. I miss writing, but it's not all the time that my mind is working and ready to unleash the words it is thinking. Nonetheless, for this is a new year, I just want to immortalize what's going in my mind and make a receipt so I can look back whenever I feel weak and I need something to hold on to. Every start of the year, I have a habit of reflecting on the learnings I got from the previous year and coming up with a life theme that I need to uphold for the coming year.

Started it last 2018 when I got to attend a Mindfulness Therapy session with a pioneering theme #healing2018 due to heartaches and disappointments followed by #braver2019 that helped me get back on track, go places, and jump out of my comfort zone. Then, #surviving2020 soothe me during loneliness and anxiety amidst the global pandemic. Lastly, #Progress2021 to remind self that no matter how big or small the steps I would make, I'd make sure that it was the year of moving forward while being kinder with myself a little more.

With the yearly theme, I got to remind myself of what I was aiming for the year especially when everything seemed to fall out of place and the only thing I wanted was to give up. It served as my anchor to stick around during the days when I was feeling lost and wandering.

For this year 2022, although it has long been due, I will be living with the theme #Bolder—to be stronger and fearless in all my decision in life, to chase away all my worries and fears that keep me from going far which eventually made me lose opportunities, and surrender all of these to God. Just trust the process, it is! 💛

This year will be awesome, kinder, and happier. A compensation and comfort for the things we lost and grieved last year. I can feel it and I am claiming it.~ ☺️

 #LawofAttraction #YearlyTheme 

 ♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Lord, please lead me the way.

Lord, please lead me the way. I am still in the crossroad. I am finding myself again disobeying you and letting myself decide on my own. Please give me courage to trust in You. I want to fully trust in You and Your better plans on me. Give me wisdom to understand Your will. That I would not turn back and return to the same place where you want me to leave. It is so hard to follow Your rules, I am still in a lot of pain. I could not even comprehend if this is the right thing to do and if this is really what You want me to do. I feel like crying. No, I am crying; deep inside me, weeping. Until when should I cry? Until when should I suffer? I am so tired already, Lord. I could not even see what's Your good plan for me. I always find myself in one corner wishing everything will be well–still hoping, waiting for You to light my path. When will my time come? When will you give me happiness–the joy that I know would there be no ending. The one I know would not end. The one that is permanent. I am longing for that. I just want my constant. I am so afraid to walk away and start again, that is why I keep coming back to the place you want me to go. 

Lord, please give me courage to pursue. Help me find the strength to surrender fully in You.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥