One of those sleepless nights, I cried.

If i die today, I wouldn't mind

All those sleepless nights, I cried

I couldn't sleep, there's no peace

Oh how I wish it is the end of my restless night

Chaotic mind seem like so active up to now

Blaming myself for everything

For all the things I have done

And for the things I didn't do.

Many times, i tried to bargain

To the people, to me

But maybe, when all the things are done

And the time already passed

You are just there stuck into your world

Criticizing yourself

Hurting yourself

Nothing to do

Cannot move

Feeling your regrets while they hunt you back

I don't know what to do

This pain is excruciating

It makes me sick

It makes me gone mad

But what should I do?

What do I need to do?

I am tired.

I am tired of life 

I don't want to feel the pain.

Anyone, just kill me now

I just want to die now.

I hope I can just sleep

It is past midnight

And I couldn't force myself to even blink

Even when I close my eyes

The pain is bleeding all over my body

I can feel it like a needle and knife smashing at me

Oh how i wish i could stop this pain.

I hate myself.

It is so hard to be strong

Because no one will notice you being weak

You don't have any choice but to stand for yourself

Because no one will ever will

So please be strong

Even if you want to die

Even if it is really painful

Even if how many sleepless nights you may encounter

I just wish this pain can just go easily

I just wish i can just forgive myself

Let go of the pain

Be kind to yourself

Just please hold on...

But until when?

I am so tired.

I don't want this anymore.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Was there a lifetime waiting for us in a world where I was yours?

"Kamusta ka na?"

That was our common greeting every time months passed that we haven't talked to each other. A conversation starter that sometimes lasts for hours, or even days. But, that day was different. The line we, or maybe just I, usually look forward to reading in my chatbox became the saddest line to be told.

We were orgmates before and he was my buddy who would guide me with the application process. He was really kind and helpful, not just with the org process but to all my other sentiments in life. Eventually, we became friends. He was my one-chat-away-go-to-person who I can rant with when the academics were too much and my life, in general, was toxic.

Months passed, slowly, I started to like him. But, that was also the time when I heard he was waiting for someone who went abroad as an exchange student. They were in LDR when he was courting. It was during the app process as well, I didn't know.

His special someone returned to PH and I had the chance to meet her--gosh she was awesome and so mature. I was insecure and I knew that I could never surpass such a great girl like her. They dated and loved each other. Meanwhile, I was there in the background, still his friend, liking him from afar.

Years passed, I eventually met my boyfriend who I really loved so much. But the process wasn't easy for I had trust issues and inferiority complex. Since, my friend who had a girlfriend at that time and still my go-to person for everything, I consulted him first before dating whether this new guy was sincere and serious about me. He said yes, go for it, and assured he would be the back-up in case this guy would play with me and broke my heart.

The new guy then became my bf at that time, and I was really happy. I was so in love with him. Although I was committed, I still continued being friends with my friend, no feelings involved but retained my genuine friendship with him. The calendar kept changing, I graduated, he stayed in the university; we became busy and occupied with different paths we were going to. Our closeness had faded through time. We weren't talking like what we used to before.

One fine day, he messaged me, crying. They broke up. He really loved that girl but life is fuck and things happened. I consoled him. Be there with him as a friend. I offered my time and listened to his broken heart. I was still with my bf that time and my bf was aware with me consoling him. I didn't hide anything and I always reminded him, he was my friend first before I met you. It never became an issue for us.

If we had time, but not frequently, my friend and I would hang out and catch up, either with a group of friends or just us. I vividly remember when we watched a movie together, Inside Out, and I cried because of a scene, and there he was, he tapped my head. I was comforted. It was the familiar feeling of home.

I used to rant with him my relationship issues, like how bastard my bf was, and how he didn't give me time. My friend was still single at that time so he would always tell me to "hang in", "hold on" with the relationship. If you really love the person, save it before it's too late, his always advice.

He really was a kind-hearted guy, a loyal one, a hard to find guy. Those were his images to me. He was always available for me (or maybe he just had so much spare time). One time, during the hardest time of my relationship and a near breakup, I broke down and cried and cried, I really didn't know what to do. I texted him at 11pm and asked if he could meet me. We met at 12mn, he stayed with me until morning in a resto-bar and listened to all my never-ending repetitive stories.

The year before the break up with my bf, my friend asked me many times if we could hang out to which I refused because I didn't want to be swayed by my feelings. I knew back then I was so vulnerable at that time with my love issues. I was thinking, one trigger and I could fall in love with someone who would show a little kindness to me. I refused to go, gave many excuses, ditched him. Eventually, my boyfriend for 4yrs who is now ex and I broke up. The pain was excruciating. I was so devastated.

Months passed, I contacted my friend again. It was his birthday, I greeted him and asked how he was. He said he was doing fine. Then I told him about my breakup, cried at him, and he virtually comforted me. I asked him if we could meet. He said he couldn't.

We continued to exchange conversations via chat, and always, when I asked if we could meet, he would answer me he couldn't. Then one time, as I was back reading our conversations before, I read the plan he told to work abroad which didn't matter to me before and which he never brought up again as well.

It turned out, my friend wanted to hang out before because he wanted to say goodbye. I, who didn't know anything,  was busy making excuses to not go and meet him. And what was more heartbreaking was he flew away 2 days before my ex and I broke up. Regrets. I should have been honest with myself and met him.

We continued to talk despite the distance. We would talk anything from all my worries and fears, to psychology, to nature, to reminiscing our college life, to love stories and heartbreaks, to passions and aspirations, to ideal partners, to marriage and adulthood, to anime and movies, to politics, to insecurities, anything. I love talking to him--deep, diverse, substantial, genuine.

He retained as my one-chat-away-go-to-person every time my painful heartbreaks were attacking me due to flashbacks. I used to cry to him virtually almost every day and told him repeatedly all my painful memories with my ex and in life. He patiently listened to me and he never once complained. He was always there. Gradually, I started putting my life back again. And he was really a big part of why I handled those dark times and returned back to my sense.

Consequently, because of the pain my ex inflicted on me, I created an idea to work abroad as well. I wanted to go with him but my line of work isn't needed in the country where he is currently in. So, I continued my plan that was put on hold because my ex didn't want me to work abroad. I tried to use my own wings again, wishing to fly high.

A year later, we planned to meet. Him being his first vacation to PH while me before flying away from PH. Technically, this will be our last chance to meet personally and I was really looking forward to seeing him in person and confess.

The day finally came, we met, I gave him an appreciation letter, I baked him cupcakes. We talked and catch up. He stayed in PH for a week. I composed messages, wrote it down, rehearsed it repeatedly on my head. In the end... I never had the courage to say my true feelings. I was waiting for him as well, maybe, he would tell me anything. But, nothing had been uttered. We parted ways like we used to do.

Fast forward, I am already here while he is still there. Before I actually came here on the country with a 6hrs time difference from him, I was aware of the possibility of really not having a chance to be with him. At times, I was thinking, what if I didn't go here, what if I stayed in PH. Sometimes, I was wishing to migrate there as well and follow him. My mind was full of hopes and maybes, but in the end, as usual, I didn't do anything and just let fate decides our story. Even so, we stayed in touch and remained friends. We both didn't trust LDR, we clearly told that during one of our hundred conversations, but still, his usual "kamusta ka" would make me look forward to a convo which sometimes last for sleepless nights. Deep inside, I was really happy, creating plans in my head that, one day, someday, I would be able to confess to him. That I liked him since the beginning--in college--where we were orgmates until now, seven years later.

But the smile on my face became sour one day. The usual "kamusta ka" led to a bitterness and regret that I would be bringing maybe until I die. He met someone, although not in the most ideal way for the girl had bf that time. Eventually, they liked each other up to date. He told me everything, I was so disappointed with him. Hopes scattered away all broken. Lost trust with guys again. I cried and cried and felt so betrayed. He repeatedly apologized, but I asked him, why? Because technically, we were just friends. Both of us were afraid to lose our friendship. We had a deal that if we were still single 10yrs later, then we would end up with each other. But, no one dared to take risks at that present time, throwing "us" to fate and destiny. Also, I really don't know if he felt the same way to me for he never said it clearly. Lastly, there was never an us. If only I confessed.

I now have a boyfriend whom I met here and I am happy with him. On the other hand, he is still with the girl he met there. We are still friends, although it is not like where we used to before. But I am still happy that he found someone who could make him happy. I always pray that before--even if I am not the girl who he would be ending up with, I hope he would be happy. He deserves to be happy. And yes he is.

Although we have different paths now, I am still thankful to him and he will always be my greatest "What If"

"Was there a  lifetime waiting for us in a world where I was yours?" :)


♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

A Confession Before Sunset

While looking at the sun, calmly, setting down slowly, I felt a kind of sorrow from within. Watching the reflection of its rays on the water flowing enthusiastically, but doesn't know where it should be heading to.

It is like me. The water--just flowing anywhere it could be.

I feel so empty.

My friends and colleagues are already licensed doctors, lawyers, psychologists, engineers, or any goals they wanted to achieve when we were young.

But, here I am, sitting, looking at the reflection of the sun on the flowing water, still figuring out what I really want in life.

The emptiness that is building in my core; feeling like I am doing a worthless job and this isn't really my passion. Yes, I am blessed to have this job especially in this time of crisis; but I can't help but feel something is rotting inside of me keeping me empty, hollow, lethargic.

Looking back, I was so idealistic. Now, I fear that day by day, I am beginning to lose the sight of what I was aiming for.

Farther and farther, I feel so lost.

I feel that I am left behind.

The other friends of mine are already settled, stable, married, with kids.

Meanwhile, here I am thinking what am I gonna eat for breakfast.

I feel so lost.

I know I should not compare, but I miss having dreams, hoping to pursue, wanting to achieve.

When I left the Philippines, I told myself I would use my idle time here to study Engineering, Law, or Psych, so when I go back to PH, I would enroll again.

I would just save money here then I will come back.

But looking at the current situation in my home country, do I have a place to go back to?

Everything is so messed up--from politics to plans to hopes and dreams

I am messed up, but at least I have you.

I am always insecure thinking I ain't good enough and am not that intelligent compared to others.

But maybe, I don't really credit myself for my achievements and for reaching this far.

I always doubt myself.

I always feel lost.

I always think that I am up to no good. That my time will pass and long before I realize, everything will be too late.

But thank you, for believing in me.

And to all the people who've always been my rock. Stable, keeping me stronger, no matter how hard I flow everywhere like water.



♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥