Two Years Ago. See Your Memories >

Two years ago, I posted a picture of us on Facebook. Today, it resurfaces because of the feature "On this day".

Nevertheless, I love that picture. It reminds me what happened that night; how we wandered at Bonifacio Global City at wee hours; how we had difficulty choosing where to eat because all the restaurants were already closed that time; how the two-year ago self and the two-year ago you intertwined and how we used to enjoy each other's company. I thought we wouldn't last. I had full of doubts at that time, especially because you wouldn't like to introduce me to your parents. I thought you weren't serious about me with our relationship. I thought you were just dating me because there was no other option and you just had no choice.

Yet we are still here. We did it. Two years have passed and we are still together, barely together. Just like two years ago, we have issues, I have doubts--I long for your effort and love. Just like two years ago, I want you to make me feel you love me. Just like two years ago, your love for me isn't enough. You won't show it at least, or there's no more love from you to be shown to me.

Moreover, I am still thankful because we are still each other's special someone--or maybe, my special someone. To tell you the truth, I am really happy that two years ago, I met your Mom and Dad. Moreover, I even gave them presents last Christmas and I have gifts for them this year, I am just waiting for the time when I can go home to your house. Yes, what I demanded from you two years ago was given to me by you. I already went to your house, you introduced me to your parents, we even share lunches/dinners--I know all of the things I want to know two years ago. Yet, I still have doubts. Shouldn't I stop this negativity? Should I just love you freely? But how, when you wouldn't call me for weeks; when we exchange messages three to four hours apart; when you reject my calls on your cell phone; when you don't invite me for dinner/lunch/breakfast--it doesn't matter what part of the day it is, I just want to see you. I just want to be with you. Yet you don't give me time. Your priority is your work now, just where I am in your heart? I couldn't be selfish, however, I want to demand time. I long for your love, since the beginning of time when I fell in love with you. I still long for you, ever since, since then, two years later.

This photo is dated two years ago yet the memory is still vivid on my mind. I remember the details clearly--so fresh in my heart. I hope I could go back to that time and hug my two-year younger self to trust you because two weeks after the day it was photographed, you let me meet his parents. I hope my future self would assure my present self the same way I would solace my two year younger self from the present. I hope we would last long if forever is not enough or difficult to hold on.

Two years ago, this photo was taken somewhere in BGC. It captured the moment where I was happy dining with you in a posh restaurant where we both discovered and ate for the first, time. I miss those times. But I miss you more. And I hope that you miss me like how I miss you--my feelings haven't changed, two years or more will pass.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

No Lantern Parade for me

Lantern Parade today and I still haven't finished my paper which is due 5 days ago. My professor understands why I couldn't submit it yet (or maybe I just want to believe that he understands) because we are taking this graduate studies while having a full-time work. At first, it was fulfilling thinking you are great and special because you could juggle things at the same time. But, there are times where you are feeling tired, asking yourself why are you doing this? Is it worth it? I don't know either.

I took a leave today planning to focus and actually do my two (2) papers and study for the finals. But here I am writing this entry in my blog--creatively coming up with excuses and desperately doing other things just to prolong the agony, just to divert myself from doing what should I do. This isn't inspiring after all. But who cares, I lost motivation some time ago.


Hours of surfing on the internet and I found this. Thankfully, you really are great in telling me I should work my ass to achieve greatness and success for which I am craving for but I am a lazy crazy little bastard who doesn't want to work for it. Haaaaay.

Nevertheless, I post it here and hopefully pick up and push my self to do what I should be doing right now. However, I am really sure I couldn't go to the Lantern Parade today, I can't afford to go there and buy some extra time. huhuhu

This one is for you, lazy girl.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

When are you going to water this withered heart?

I might die today.

Or not. But it seems like the baggage inside me is getting heavy and I really cannot carry it anymore. I just don't want to live. I don't have any courage to face the reality, to see everyone mocking me, to witness my world falls down in my hand, to verify that I am not really loved and that I am actually a burden to everyone.

But I am afraid to take my life in my own hands. So, if ever some car would bump me and accidentally kill me, I think I might thank him for doing that. I am afraid that my parents would be sad, but heck, a part of me says, just die because you don't matter here.

I want to die. I want to end this misery. I want to rewind or restart my life where I could control everything. Where things are so ideal that I don't feel this misery anymore. I want to live in a world where the thought of death wouldn't reach my mind. I want to be happy, to be surrounded by the people who genuinely love me. I want someone who will take care of me. I want to be loved.

I am loved. But I don't know why I am feeling this way. Am I really loved or I just want to believe that I am loved to console myself in this agony? If they really loved me, I wouldn't feel this way. But hey, I think they love me, it is just that me, myself, who don't love this life.

But I bet you don't love me. You, you are my support system whom I cherish so much. I can take anything, but when things go wrong with you, I feel so devastated. This love is so tragic--I am the one who loves more than you love me. You love your work, you love your comfort, you love yourself--your world doesn't revolve around me. It is good though, but the thing is, my world relies on you. No, my world doesn't revolve only for you, but when this dark force is hitting me like this day, I prefer to see you, to hug you, to talk to you so that my worries go away, to be with you--but you are not here. You are there, in your own world, because you are tired, right?

Can you just be honest with me, am I a burden to you? I don't want to be like that but I am so clingy I crave for your attention. I don't like this feeling too, but I hope you would understand that I really am not okay today. I am struggling with my life. That I am fighting to live. That I am trying so hard to make this dark bubbles inside my head go away so I could function normally. That I need you to be here with me, just today, because I cannot handle this baggage anymore. But you are not here with me. And I am sad because of that. However, I cannot blame you for you don't know my misery. You don't understand what I am suffering now. Because I don't say it to you. Because I am afraid you would leave me too. I don't want you to hate me, the way I hate myself. I don't want you to think of me like I am a creep. And it saddens me because I cannot tell you that--and so, you couldn't understand me. I cannot blame you. I could only blame myself, for feeling this way, for being weak.

I need to see a doctor, I need a professional help to treat this state of mind which clouding my talk recently. But I am afraid to go there alone. But I don't have someone to talk to regarding this. I am feeling alone. I am lonely. I hate this life. I hate myself for being like this.

I have a friend, yes I have plenty. But I also don't have the courage to tell them what I am feeling. I don't want to burden them with my so-called disease. I also have my parents, but I bet they wouldn't understand what I am going through. I think they'll think of this as one of my 'kaartehan' or 'kadramahan'. I hope so too, I hope that this is just one of the episodes ion my life and that after this segment, I'll be happy again. But this episode seems like an eternity. It doesn't end. When will it end? I am waiting for it to end. I just hope that it ends first before I end myself.

I messaged you. I actually don't want to message you because I don't want to bother you. But this dark force is so strong that I have no choice but to rely on someone. And that someone is you. I hope you are not mad at me. You love me right? So please bear with me while I am fixing this--with your help, at least.

But you didn't respond. I think I really am a bother to you. I think the sparks we had before are no longer in your heart. You are just here with me because you are afraid to be alone. But you don't love me like the way you used to be. And I am sad because I know it. You can't hide it. How can I not know when you mean a lot to me? I know you. And it pains me because I cannot let you go. Because I still need you. I need you so I can fight this dark force. You are my strength, but sadly, I am not your happiness.

You know what, I want to let you go. But I am afraid that I will lose myself. Here is my wish, could you leave me after I get through this? Is it too much to ask? I really am sorry for imprisoning you like this. Yes, I might forcefully hold you emotionally, but I should have initiated and ask you if you want to leave me now--and yet, I couldn't ask you that, because I am afraid you will say yes.

I might die today. If I die today, I hope you all understand why. I also don't want this to happen. But I cannot hold this heavy feeling in my heart for a long time. This feeling is gradually destroying me. This feeling of worthlessness. I cannot see my future right now. There is nothing to look forward too. I am tired of hoping. I am feeling so hopeless. There is no sunshine, I can only see darkness. I don't know how long I can keep myself from being alive. I tried to sleep but it seems like the long sleep is not the solution to this, I am still feeling tired. There is no recharging, only a matter of a repetitive agony of this withered heart.


 ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥