It has been so long since I wrote something upbeat and optimistic. And today, I decided to immortalize this rare moment and use my keyboard to finally write again and romanticize looking at the brighter side of life. Thanks for the recently listened Spotify Podcast, "Paano Ba 'To" by Bianca Gonzales, for injecting some kind of happy feels motivating me to go through with this roller coaster ride of life.
Almost two years since I decided to leave my country and made a leap of faith. Going abroad and eventually work here without any family member to be with me, was really hard especially that this is my first time living alone and I am not used to a life without a mother beside me to do everything for me. Everything was so foreign, from my career that I started on a blank slate to interacting with multi-nationality colleagues and clients who came from different cultures. It was so scary and I couldn't imagine how many times I cried missing the people and the life I left behind. Everything was different and I had a hard time adjusting to the changes, more so living an independent life. I encountered countless breakdowns to the point that I almost wanted to give up on life. I sought professional help, cried to death, stared at a beach, run a marathon, and everything I could ever do just to keep myself busy. Thankfully, I am feeling better now. I still have episodes of the dark phase but, what I am sure of, I have found things I like that make me want to wake up in the morning and look forward to whenever I feel helpless.
Coming here comes a lot of sacrifices. I left a stable job that I had way back in my home country to a potential flame that didn't even ignite because of the distance and time difference. For the record, this was the most regretful thing I have to give up and I call it collateral damage for being here--if only I was braver and risk-taker; if only I were a little more honest with myself, will this future make any difference? Would I be sharing the life I have with my best friend? Regrets haunt me from time to time wondering all the 'what ifs' that I tried to dodge in my mind. What was my life if I didn't choose to be here? Could I be any happier?
But lo a behold, I am so proud of myself for pushing my limits and going beyond my comfort zone. I thought I could not do it, but here I am and did it! I got used somehow to this new setup and I couldn't be any more grateful to the people who helped me stand on my own; to the few who became my strengths when I am feeling weak. Yes, coming here was really not all good all the time, I lost a part of me in the process, broke my trust into pieces, felt betrayed and invaluable, but then, I have learned to love myself a little more and got to discover a deeper me who I would not know if I didn't come here.
Braver, Banunay! This is what I can only brag of coming here. Admittedly, I am still not the amazing person that I want to be, but I am closer to what I am dreaming of. I progressed a lot and grew. I have learned to enjoy the process of finding myself and became kinder to self when things aren't going so smoothly. The transition taught me that no matter how you planned your life, when life wants to fuck you up, it will really fuck you hard no matter how prepared you are. And the key to it is to have a positive mindset, and flexibility to adapt to everything that life throws you. You may cry a bundle of tears but never ever surrender. It is okay to not be okay but never okay to quit your life. You need to push through in order to see how things will unfold. You may need to hug yourself if no one's there to hug you. You may need to become your own cheerleader and be patient with your journey. Do not ever compare yourself to others and never ever belittle yourself. You don't need to rush into things and hate yourself out of frustrations. Don't ever think that you are less valuable than others nor nothing in this world. Cheer up as you discover your purpose and strengths. I remember the lines of Bianca from one of her Paano Ba 'To? Podcast episode that struck me the most and remind me of my worth which made me a little braver and gave me a pinch of hope:
"Remember, every single person in the world has a different thumbprint. There are no two people alike at all in the whole world. God has a reason for doing that because each and every one of us has a unique purpose in the world.
And I could not agree more! Her lines came from one of her journal entries that she read on her podcast and I realized how powerful the impact of our words to ourselves and to the people around us. It makes me want to start writing on my blog again and rediscover the beauty of journaling. That whatever I am going through, don't get stuck on it and always keep going. Everything will just be a chapter in my thick book which is still ongoing, hasn't been published, and has not yet ended. I still have a lot of pages to write to and the stories of my next journey is all in my hands!
To end this entry on a positive note--to offer healing and forgiveness, to all the hurt I felt recently, to the few who caused me pain, to the people who In unintentionally hurt, to the breakdowns I encountered, to all the people who I met along the way, and to the imperfect self that continuously doing mistakes--this is for you, again from Bianca's podcast:
You are everyone you meet in your life. Every single person we meet in our life is a part of us. Whether they were someone we shared our life with, they influenced us in a good way, or they hurt us and we learned a valuable lesson, or they were mean and so we vowed not to be mean like them. Whether the person who are something we liked, smiled, and warmed our hearts, made us laughed or cried. All that is part of us, and so how can any two people possibly be identical? Imagine, all of us have a unique contribution to the world precisely because of the unique person that we are. We may have our insecurities and shortcomings, but given that, we still have our strengths and good works that we continue to contribute to our family, to our circle of friends, to our community, and to our country. We may not be as good looking, rich, educated, famous, or influential as other people, but in a less good looking, less rich, less educated, less famous, and less influential self and we can touch people's lives, make a difference in our own little way, and love others big time, that no one can ever take away from us.So if you ever feel down, if you ever feel like you have no purpose in the world. If you ever feel like asking will anyone care if I am gone, just remember, that we are all made uniquely, and whatever effect we had on other people we love, on people around us, and on our world, is our effect alone that no one else can replace. We are irreplaceable.
