WedThursday Blues!

I am beginning to think that I really don't have luck in love. That I already experienced loving someone and being loved by the one I loved and this card had been used once in a lifetime. After my ex broke my heart, I never really experience the same trust and love I felt before. The one that I know would last a lifetime.

My first and I broke up because we don't have the same goals. What we have was a happy present but we could not figure out the future together given that we have different views and dreams in life. He fell out of love. I would have wanted to settle down and have kids on my own while he, as he told me, couldn't imagine himself of taking a child and being a responsible father for another human being. He couldn't see me and all my dreams in the future. What we have was present.

My second love wasn't really love for I was afraid to fall deeply and that I couldn't give my heart to anyone else at that time. It was after my major heartbreak that my friend and I got to become closer even more being our souls and minds were naked to each other. I really loved how our conversation flew, jumping from one topic to another. Despite the distance, we—or maybe I felt that he was so close to me that all the people near me would be blurry. All I craved was to talk to him and meet him again closer, physically.

After that, I met someone who really took care of me while living abroad. He really became my home and cured all the anxieties and loneliness I felt because of homesickness. He made sure that I felt his love and proved to me that I could trust him. But two years later, problems arose. Because he and I did not have the same upbringing as he was born from another nation, it was hard to fight for his culture. His mother was against us. I loved him and he loved me but was that enough to fight all the people that he loved who don't agree with us? It was hard. 

Lastly, it was the ex of my friend who I got to know well. I would not have any intention of looking at him but due to teases and all, and us living in the same apartment made me see how kind he is. I somewhat think that we are compatible, however, time was not really our friend as it doesn't want us to be together for he will migrate soon. After all, who am I to force him not to? To tell him don't go? If you love or like a person, you just want the best for them, right? And so, the battle of me versus fate start rolling again. Was it the time and distance that I was afraid that hinder me to push through with my friend? And now, they are haunting me again.

So again, my Beloved, I am calling Your name. I hate this waiting game but please give me the courage to wait and trust Your plan. I cannot understand it anymore. Give me the strength to believe in Your will. Give me patience to wait for the right timing and trust the process. I want to have faith in You and that all that I have been through, in the end, will be all worth it. That I would get to realize why all those things—the rejections, the hurts, the pain, the tears, happened to lead me from what You are promising to me. Lord, please let my worries and fears be small and my faith in You is stronger than anything else. I am tired and weary of questioning you for I couldn't understand everything.

Lord, I know these will all too pass. But, I just need something to be holding on to. I need assurance. I just want to be happy. I am praying for You.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Tuesday Musings

Have you ever thought of what you really want to do in your life? This is the thought bubbles of mine as I recently talked to a lot of my friends regarding goals and dreams in life. I somewhat feel like I am being left behind―them being doing what they really want while I am here still stuck with my own world enjoying things day by day. 

As of the moment, I still really don't know what I really want to do. I have many things I want to accomplish in life but my end goal is just the same―I just want a simple comfortable life with a family to love and children of mine to take care of along with my loving husband. I can still see myself being a goal-oriented wife with a blooming career but technically, I would not replace anything in the world except for having a happy family I will be nourishing for a lifetime.

I couldn't help but ask a friend who recently achieved his dream: how it feels to be living the dream he was once dreaming of. He said it feels overwhelming, and I kind of agree. For a person who used to dream a lot and push through with it, I feel the familiar feeling of this overwhelming joy of striving and the happy feeling of hustling to achieve your passion. I wonder when did I stop feeling it? Or maybe, just as what my other friend told me, it is just that I am in the phase of hibernation due to the many uncontrollable things happening in the world. After all, life is like seasons―spring, summer, fall, and winter. There is always a time to hustle but there will always room to pause, relax, and just live in the moment. 

Just as the season changes, winter will be ending soon and I should be doing what I need to do. To invest in my future and start hustling again. It is the day when I need to turn the page of my favorite book as I have been stuck for this chapter in a while. This year, I need to focus and think what I really want to do in life, and to start preparing for the next year and the coming years. I need to focus again so when I finally reach my end goal and read this writing again, I will thank myself for what I have become.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Congrats!

Kind of thinking about what to buy for you but I ended up buying this. A gift suited for us for this is what we also lack–time. :) Also, it was hard for me to pick this for I told myself before never to exert effort on someone who I am not sure of... but maybe, this is just me, doing things I like to lessen regrets in life. 

Looking back, I never really regret all the things I have done even if these eventually hurt me in the end. On the other hand, those things I did not do, haunt me up to now. This is why I don't want to repeat the same mistake twice. I don't know if you remember but this is our first conversation online when I invited you to a surprise birthday of her. That in everything you do, always consider if the decision you will choose will make you happy or haunt you with regret forever. Having said that, I will just let myself go with the flow and just be honest with what I am feeling right now. Especially since what I have is only now and we both know that the future is uncertain we could not even comprehend.

Thank you! I don't know exactly when did you notice me or if you are really serious about appreciating me but on my side, I know for a fact that I noticed you just this recently. Surely, I don't love you yet, but what I can honestly say right now is that I feel comfortable with you in the brief moment we were together. Felt a bit awkward sometimes since I want to digest my feelings as well and want to take things slowly. But I want to commend you for being brave in life. I like you for being responsible with your life and how you never give up easily despite all the challenges you have gone through. How I wish I was there with you during those dark days of your life to support you as well and to cheer you up. It was a sweet victory to utter congratulatory words to someone who you are with during their lowest of lows. Too bad, I wasn't there, but know that I am proud of you too. I also felt your genuineness and kindness during the wedding of Kuya Troy & Ate Angel. Your words, and vulnerability especially when you cried while giving your speech that day made my heart soften for you. I like people who are genuine. And I think you have a beautiful soul.

If I found out earlier that we have a thing, maybe it will not really work out as well provided that you have a history with my friend and I am a person who doesn't want conflict and mess. I would feel guilty knowing what happened to both of you and how I witnessed her cry for you. But don't take me wrong, I understand you both sides, her being who the person she is, and you who explained to me finally your side.

Moreover,  I intentionally don't want to get involved between you two and set boundaries not to get close to you. But because I lived here in a place you consider home, I started to know you more indirectly. I started to notice your aggressiveness and short-temperedness but still fun-loving who really cares for your loved ones. Even though we are not really talking, it feels like I have known you since then for all our housemates are telling stories about you. Up until now, I really cannot read and comprehend you--but somewhat, it is easier to trust you knowing that a lot of people love you and trust you all those years. Seeing you and your friends take care of each other make me miss the constants I left behind in the Philippines.

Anyway, I am writing you this letter to tell you that whatever happens in the future, I hope I become a good memory to you. Even though our chapter here in UAE is so short, please know that what I told you and what I let you feel is all true. I don't want pretentiousness and I am a person who you can easily read of. I will also tell you in front if I don't like it or not. But a little bit of maybes and in-betweens won't hurt us sometimes--like the reason why I got transferred to your flat which is one of the best decisions I had here in UAE. Because of that unwillingness to transfer location, I met all of you here and found a home away from home. <3 

Furthermore, I really wish you good luck in your future endeavor. Also, please know that I don't actually want to tell anything between us to other people because I don't really know what will happen in the future. I don't want you to have any restrictions shall you meet someone there and you are conscious with our housemates because maybe I will know. Or you would tell them not to tell me because maybe they will think I will be sad. If we are the only two who know what is happening between us, at least mas mabilis yung moving on process. Like if you found someone there, then no one will ask me if I am okay and that I can just cry with myself alone hahaha. Basta, I don't want you to be restricted because of me. I will be happy if you will be happy there even if it is not me who's making you happy. :) I really know the feeling of coming to an unknown place where you really don't know anything and anyone. It was like a brand new canvass waiting for you to draw and fill colors. I will be happy to be your good friend anyway. And besides, we really don't have a lot of foundations, to begin with. But know that you deserve someone as good as you and don't settle for anything less just because you are lonely (especially if it is cheating or 3rd party or kabit ah! Please, don't!!!) You deserve to be happy and I am praying for you to find happiness in everything that you do. And I hope you pray for my happiness as well even though I know for a fact that it will really take time for me to get to know someone since I really am that full of trust issues haha! Promise me to let me know shall you meet someone nice there. I would be sad so but I will still root for your happiness nonetheless.

We may never know what the future holds. I don't even know what I am doing with my life but know that once in your life, you have met here :) I will also feel sad if we part ways permanently especially if I decided to move out of the house and left Tito for we will never really have any form of connections along with your Maubanian tropapips na bully! But still, I am happy to have met you all here since 2020. I always tell that to them, and I want you to know that as well since I don't think I had a chance to tell you that.

Keep in touch! I know you have so many friends closer than me but if you do feel homesick there, you can still beep me up. Good luck on your new journey! We are proud of you :)

PS. Hope you like the watch, I personally choose the rubber strap so you can use it during your duty since pwedeng mabasa hihi unlike the metal and leather. Maybe you have an existing watch na but this is what fits for you... for us, time difference and the time constraints we never really have. God bless you always <3

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

2022!

It has been a while since I last wrote here. I miss writing, but it's not all the time that my mind is working and ready to unleash the words it is thinking. Nonetheless, for this is a new year, I just want to immortalize what's going in my mind and make a receipt so I can look back whenever I feel weak and I need something to hold on to. Every start of the year, I have a habit of reflecting on the learnings I got from the previous year and coming up with a life theme that I need to uphold for the coming year.

Started it last 2018 when I got to attend a Mindfulness Therapy session with a pioneering theme #healing2018 due to heartaches and disappointments followed by #braver2019 that helped me get back on track, go places, and jump out of my comfort zone. Then, #surviving2020 soothe me during loneliness and anxiety amidst the global pandemic. Lastly, #Progress2021 to remind self that no matter how big or small the steps I would make, I'd make sure that it was the year of moving forward while being kinder with myself a little more.

With the yearly theme, I got to remind myself of what I was aiming for the year especially when everything seemed to fall out of place and the only thing I wanted was to give up. It served as my anchor to stick around during the days when I was feeling lost and wandering.

For this year 2022, although it has long been due, I will be living with the theme #Bolder—to be stronger and fearless in all my decision in life, to chase away all my worries and fears that keep me from going far which eventually made me lose opportunities, and surrender all of these to God. Just trust the process, it is! 💛

This year will be awesome, kinder, and happier. A compensation and comfort for the things we lost and grieved last year. I can feel it and I am claiming it.~ ☺️

 #LawofAttraction #YearlyTheme 

 ♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Lord, please lead me the way.

Lord, please lead me the way. I am still in the crossroad. I am finding myself again disobeying you and letting myself decide on my own. Please give me courage to trust in You. I want to fully trust in You and Your better plans on me. Give me wisdom to understand Your will. That I would not turn back and return to the same place where you want me to leave. It is so hard to follow Your rules, I am still in a lot of pain. I could not even comprehend if this is the right thing to do and if this is really what You want me to do. I feel like crying. No, I am crying; deep inside me, weeping. Until when should I cry? Until when should I suffer? I am so tired already, Lord. I could not even see what's Your good plan for me. I always find myself in one corner wishing everything will be well–still hoping, waiting for You to light my path. When will my time come? When will you give me happiness–the joy that I know would there be no ending. The one I know would not end. The one that is permanent. I am longing for that. I just want my constant. I am so afraid to walk away and start again, that is why I keep coming back to the place you want me to go. 

Lord, please give me courage to pursue. Help me find the strength to surrender fully in You.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

#Progress2021

Today marks my last day in the company that first embraced me here abroad. Staying here made me happy in the beginning but also made me cry so hard especially during the lockdown when workload was too much yet everything in the world was fuck due to the global pandemic. Nonetheless, all my experiences made me stronger and wiser that I would not be this resilient if things were changed otherwise. So much gratefulness for them who believed in me and my skills.

These two years of a roller coaster ride with homesickness injected in between—now that the end is nearing, I could not help but feel nostalgic and sentimental. I hope that this day will be great and I would not regret leaving too much. I am really so afraid of what will happen next knowing that I need to adjust to another culture again added with the responsibility for my new job role is heavier (given that we are in the midst of an era of human extinction aka stay strong mental health). But hey, why do I fear these changes so much when nothing in this world is permanent. So, better embrace the unknown and willingly accept this career progression.

Keep going, Banunay!

Keep being strong! :)

05 September 2021

♥ ☺ ♥ And that is what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Twenty-Seventh

I am turning twenty-seven this year... more so, these coming days. It feels like I am in the middle of the chaos again. I don't know what I am feeling right now. So, here I am scribbling words writing here to synthesize my thoughts and make sense of them. It has always been like this especially during my birthday. Seems like all the moments in my life are flashing back at me so suddenly making me ask myself, did I live my life to the fullest? Do I have so many regrets? What am I thankful for? Who was I way back then? Where am I now? What person did I become? Who do I want to become in the coming years? Thoughts are raging and I could not control them. Sometimes it makes me suffocated; sometimes it makes me drown.

Turning twenty-seven seems like time flies really fast. If only I could stop the world from spinning around and just let me live my life from the moment. Looking back when I was young, I wanted to grow up really fast, have work, earn my own money, live independently—now that I am in the moment that my younger self dreamt about, I just wanted to go back from the time when everything is so simple.

Turning twenty-seven—it feels nostalgic. I still clearly remember my seventh birthday when I had my cake blowing its candle. It was the second time having a cake on my day and I was so happy. Two decades later, here I am worried about who will be the people I will spend my special day with. On my 18th birthday, I didn't have a grand celebration for my debut which I hoped for the way back then. We were poor and my parents didn't bother to celebrate birthdays like the usual family. And so, I tried to save money and booked a resort for myself—invited my friends and celebrated with them. I was happy about their efforts and surprises but as usual, my parents didn't even greet me.

'Till the time that I can remember, I always treat birthdays as a special day in someone's life. So, I have this expectation that the people who value me will make their way out just to make me happy. But not everyone is like me who would pave their way out just to make someone's day special. Although I already accepted the fact that not everyone is as effort as me, the pressure still lingers in my very essence that I need to be happy on that special day. That said pressure makes me sad and anxious when my day is nearing. Hence, this feeling right now.  But what should I do then? I want to be happy yet this is why I feel pressured and sad. I want this to be special but I am not that special so who am I to expect something I should not.

Twenty-seven years of experience seems like a joke—I feel young yet I also feel old. I could not even recognize my younger self if there was a chance to meet her now. I was so different from yesterday, and yet it feels that nothing changes.

Sentimental and melancholic as it may seem, writing this down somewhat help me calm my mind. I am no longer worried but excited about how life will take me. I wonder what surprises this life will give me when I turn twenty-seven. I am grateful for all the things I went through, for the mistakes that I have done, and for the milestone I achieve, and this coming year will not be different as it will also change me for the better... maybe not exactly as how I will thought I would be but as a growing individual susceptible of adapting, learning, and maturing.

So in this twenty-seventh year of my life, I have made a list of goals that I still want to achieve or have in the years to come. Some of the things have been repeated for who-knows-how-many-times from my old bucket list, nevertheless, I will retain and include them here for I still want these things to happen, added with new things I realize I want to have or do.

☐ Get a boyfriend who I can travel the world with (am with somebody now but can't travel huhu)

☐ Get engaged

☐ Get married to the man I love

☐ Own a gaming laptop/ high-specs computer for my side hustle designing

☐ Become a freelance graphic designer/ content creator

☐ Create my own podcast

☑ Own a ring light for my content haha!

☐ Buy a high-spec DSLR and pursue being a professional photographer

☐ Make my own portfolio

☑ Establish the first branch of Memento Cafe

☐ Fully-furnished my Marikina House

☐ Decorate my Marikina bedroom

☐ Buy my own house aside from the house in Marikina

☐ Register in OWWA, and pay the SSS and PAG-IBIG contributions

☐ Get an international health insurance

☐ Get a life insurance

☐ Establish my own business

☐ Give birth to my own precious child/ren

☐ Have my first visit to the Philippines

☑ Become a bridesmaid

☐ Organize my own wedding

☐ Have a Masteral Degree

☐ Have a double degree in Industrial Engineering

☐ Save money 1 Million 

☐ Travel to Iceland

☐ Travel to Norway

☐ Travel Georgia

☐ Travel to Armenia

☐ Travel to Switzerland

☐ Travel to Turkey

☐ Travel to Germany

☐ Travel to Japan

☐ Travel to Australia

☐ Travel to Poland

☐ Become a Yoga Instructor

☐ Become a teacher

☐ Record my own song

☐ Finish reading the 7 Habit of Highly Effective People

☐ Finish reading the Rich Dad Poor Dad

☐ Finish reading the Atomic Habits

☐ Finish the Happiness Project

☐ Finish the 2021 Bullet Journal

☐ Buy photo printer/ portable printer

☐ Finish paying the loan of my brother

☐ Create a masterpiece using paint and hang it on the wall

☐ Apply for a Canadian Visa

☑ Participate in Spartan Race

☐ Run 30km

☐ Join ADNOC Marathon

 

♥ ☺ ♥ And that is what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

A little bit of sugar, spice, and everything nice!

It has been so long since I wrote something upbeat and optimistic. And today, I decided to immortalize this rare moment and use my keyboard to finally write again and romanticize looking at the brighter side of life. Thanks for the recently listened Spotify Podcast, "Paano Ba 'To" by Bianca Gonzales, for injecting some kind of happy feels motivating me to go through with this roller coaster ride of life.

Almost two years since I decided to leave my country and made a leap of faith. Going abroad and eventually work here without any family member to be with me, was really hard especially that this is my first time living alone and I am not used to a life without a mother beside me to do everything for me. Everything was so foreign, from my career that I started on a blank slate to interacting with multi-nationality colleagues and clients who came from different cultures. It was so scary and I couldn't imagine how many times I cried missing the people and the life I left behind. Everything was different and I had a hard time adjusting to the changes, more so living an independent life. I encountered countless breakdowns to the point that I almost wanted to give up on life. I sought professional help, cried to death, stared at a beach, run a marathon, and everything I could ever do just to keep myself busy. Thankfully, I am feeling better now. I still have episodes of the dark phase but, what I am sure of, I have found things I like that make me want to wake up in the morning and look forward to whenever I feel helpless.

Coming here comes a lot of sacrifices. I left a stable job that I had way back in my home country to a potential flame that didn't even ignite because of the distance and time difference. For the record, this was the most regretful thing I have to give up and I call it collateral damage for being here--if only I was braver and risk-taker; if only I were a little more honest with myself, will this future make any difference? Would I  be sharing the life I have with my best friend? Regrets haunt me from time to time wondering all the 'what ifs' that I tried to dodge in my mind. What was my life if I didn't choose to be here? Could I be any happier? 

But lo a behold, I am so proud of myself for pushing my limits and going beyond my comfort zone. I thought I could not do it, but here I am and did it! I got used somehow to this new setup and I couldn't be any more grateful to the people who helped me stand on my own; to the few who became my strengths when I am feeling weak. Yes, coming here was really not all good all the time, I lost a part of me in the process, broke my trust into pieces, felt betrayed and invaluable, but then, I have learned to love myself a little more and got to discover a deeper me who I would not know if I didn't come here.

Braver, Banunay! This is what I can only brag of coming here. Admittedly, I am still not the amazing person that I want to be, but I am closer to what I am dreaming of. I progressed a lot and grew. I have learned to enjoy the process of finding myself and became kinder to self when things aren't going so smoothly. The transition taught me that no matter how you planned your life, when life wants to fuck you up, it will really fuck you hard no matter how prepared you are. And the key to it is to have a positive mindset, and flexibility to adapt to everything that life throws you. You may cry a bundle of tears but never ever surrender. It is okay to not be okay but never okay to quit your life. You need to push through in order to see how things will unfold. You may need to hug yourself if no one's there to hug you. You may need to become your own cheerleader and be patient with your journey. Do not ever compare yourself to others and never ever belittle yourself. You don't need to rush into things and hate yourself out of frustrations. Don't ever think that you are less valuable than others nor nothing in this world. Cheer up as you discover your purpose and strengths. I remember the lines of Bianca from one of her Paano Ba 'To? Podcast episode that struck me the most and remind me of my worth which made me a little braver and gave me a pinch of hope:

"Remember, every single person in the world has a different thumbprint. There are no two people alike at all in the whole world. God has a reason for doing that because each and every one of us has a unique purpose in the world.

And I could not agree more! Her lines came from one of her journal entries that she read on her podcast and I realized how powerful the impact of our words to ourselves and to the people around us. It makes me want to start writing on my blog again and rediscover the beauty of journaling. That whatever I am going through, don't get stuck on it and always keep going. Everything will just be a chapter in my thick book which is still ongoing, hasn't been published, and has not yet ended. I still have a lot of pages to write to and the stories of my next journey is all in my hands!

To end this entry on a positive note--to offer healing and forgiveness, to all the hurt I felt recently, to the few who caused me pain, to the people who In unintentionally hurt, to the breakdowns I encountered, to all the people who I met along the way, and to the imperfect self that continuously doing mistakes--this is for you, again from Bianca's podcast: 

You are everyone you meet in your life. Every single person we meet in our life is a part of us. Whether they were someone we shared our life with, they influenced us in a good way, or they hurt us and we learned a valuable lesson, or they were mean and so we vowed not to be mean like them. Whether the person who are something we liked, smiled, and warmed our hearts, made us laughed or cried. All that is part of us, and so how can any two people possibly be identical? Imagine, all of us have a unique contribution to the world precisely because of the unique person that we are. We may have our insecurities and shortcomings, but given that, we still have our strengths and good works that we continue to contribute to our family, to our circle of friends, to our community, and to our country. We may not be as good looking, rich, educated, famous, or influential as other people, but in a less good looking, less rich, less educated, less famous, and less influential self and we can touch people's lives, make a difference in our own little way, and love others big time, that no one can ever take away from us.

So if you ever feel down, if you ever feel like you have no purpose in the world. If you ever feel like asking will anyone care if I am gone, just remember, that we are all made uniquely, and whatever effect we had on other people we love, on people around us, and on our world, is our effect alone that no one else can replace. We are irreplaceable.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Stillness in a noisy world.

Staring at a place of nothingness. 

Just a blank slate without thinking anything. 

It gives comfort, it gives peace. 

Nothingness seems so comfortable given that you don't need to act or think anything. 

You are just you--minding your own universe. 

Clasp with the idea of nothing; 

allowing yourself to be fully isolated from how chaotic the world can be. 

Letting yourself feel at ease when all the things that are surrounding you pressure you or give you discomfort. Nothing. All you need is you.

Life seems very hard these days, 

so I console myself of thinking nothing backed by doing nothing. 

When the world seems to fuck you up, 

and everyone seems to be very dramatic--just let it be. 

Do nothing. Stare nothing. 

Just be still and let the world be with what it wants to be.

Isolate in a place where you can only find yourself, 

care about nothing but the moment you are in it.

Embrace the beauty in it--free from worries and fears.

Let go of all of your anxieties and the noise around you.

Breath in--yes, just breath in

Then breathe out all the stress that comes from you within

Empty your soul from the negative ions,

So, you can have a room of comfort later on.

Save yourself from all the destructions

and help you build yourself again.

The nothingness becomes your safe haven

To which should be followed by new beginnings

Beautiful as it may seem

Exciting as it can be

The world is still not ending

So just be with your nothingness

And come out nothing

So you can be everything.

Keep going!

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Unfiltered thoughts, tonight.

It is so hard to live like this these days.

 

Just a little trigger and I will burst out. I pity the people who can’t handle me. I am guilty of how I can hurt others just by existing. I know that I could not manage my emotions well and that I am so afraid of people getting in touch with me, for I might become a monster in front of their eyes. All I have are boundaries, which I couldn’t even lift up to those who want to get through. And, I am apologetic to the friends who needed support right now for I cannot give what they need. I cannot give what I don't have. I also need it, actually.

 

Having this chaotic mind, sometimes, I just want to cut ties. I want to dissolve into the air so nobody could take notice of me disappearing into this world. I want to disappear like bubbles, nothing will be bothered by me popping out in the air and exiting the mundane humanity and just become a tiny particle of gas. I want to isolate myself or get the cloak of invisibility so no one will find me. I will just soak myself into sorrow alone, peacefully. It doesn’t matter if I will become alone in the end, but at least I will not get exposed to others of what chaos I can be. I don’t like it either. And I know I could not ask for understanding for it is really hard to comprehend me who doesn’t know how to comprehend herself.

 

Being the monster that I am, I sometimes want to end my life so no one will get hurt because of me. If I die, I would no longer be bothered by the pressure of obligations and responsibilities that the world seems to give me. I would no longer be having anxieties about what will happen in the future. The overthinking me will be living peacefully for all these negative thoughts would come to a halt. Oh, how I wish I could just disappear, leaving all the painful memories. Oh, how I wish everything was a snap of the fingers that all the pain will just disappear immediately. Oh, how I wish.

 

Year by year, I am just surviving by just pushing myself to keep going. I tried to mingle with other people, meet strangers, do the things that I like, engage in sports, go to new places—but why does this demon inside me couldn’t be tamed? Why is it knocking and popping randomly? Could you just let me live? I am trying to be kind, yet a little trigger would burst your flame making you roar inside.

 

It is so hard to live like this these days. Especially during this pandemic when everything seems so unpredictable and unstable. You couldn’t publicly complain as well because you still have a better life than others, yet you fake yourself for being happy for what you have. You wake up each day feeling empty waiting for the day to end. You tried so hard to make yourself fun but it always goes back to being you—the toxic being that you are. I am trying, please, everyone. Can you feel that? Please don’t judge me by being like this. Please let me live in isolation. I don’t want anyone to be hurt because of me. I don’t want you to be dragged to this stupid world and be trapped inside my walls. Soul crushed like mine, wounds won’t heal even when I gave them time.

When you think positively, good things will happen. This is what they say often. I do that too—and sometimes it works. But for every little good thing to happen with me, it would be followed by sorrow and darkness that makes me fearful of having good things to happen. It is like gravity, for every rise of my feelings, eventually, it will fall two-folds accelerated against the ground. Pieces by pieces would be broken into tiny parts.

 It is so hard to live these days. All I want is a normal life—with balanced neurotransmitters and the right amount of chemicals distributed in my brain. All I want is a normal environment where I can freely live and move. All I want is a little hope in my future that everything will be all right and things will fall into places. All I want is a little understanding without prejudice, and dirty judgments of me being so toxic and unkind. All I want is peace of mind and a little love that can heal my broken heart.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

One of those sleepless nights, I cried.

If i die today, I wouldn't mind

All those sleepless nights, I cried

I couldn't sleep, there's no peace

Oh how I wish it is the end of my restless night

Chaotic mind seem like so active up to now

Blaming myself for everything

For all the things I have done

And for the things I didn't do.

Many times, i tried to bargain

To the people, to me

But maybe, when all the things are done

And the time already passed

You are just there stuck into your world

Criticizing yourself

Hurting yourself

Nothing to do

Cannot move

Feeling your regrets while they hunt you back

I don't know what to do

This pain is excruciating

It makes me sick

It makes me gone mad

But what should I do?

What do I need to do?

I am tired.

I am tired of life 

I don't want to feel the pain.

Anyone, just kill me now

I just want to die now.

I hope I can just sleep

It is past midnight

And I couldn't force myself to even blink

Even when I close my eyes

The pain is bleeding all over my body

I can feel it like a needle and knife smashing at me

Oh how i wish i could stop this pain.

I hate myself.

It is so hard to be strong

Because no one will notice you being weak

You don't have any choice but to stand for yourself

Because no one will ever will

So please be strong

Even if you want to die

Even if it is really painful

Even if how many sleepless nights you may encounter

I just wish this pain can just go easily

I just wish i can just forgive myself

Let go of the pain

Be kind to yourself

Just please hold on...

But until when?

I am so tired.

I don't want this anymore.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Was there a lifetime waiting for us in a world where I was yours?

"Kamusta ka na?"

That was our common greeting every time months passed that we haven't talked to each other. A conversation starter that sometimes lasts for hours, or even days. But, that day was different. The line we, or maybe just I, usually look forward to reading in my chatbox became the saddest line to be told.

We were orgmates before and he was my buddy who would guide me with the application process. He was really kind and helpful, not just with the org process but to all my other sentiments in life. Eventually, we became friends. He was my one-chat-away-go-to-person who I can rant with when the academics were too much and my life, in general, was toxic.

Months passed, slowly, I started to like him. But, that was also the time when I heard he was waiting for someone who went abroad as an exchange student. They were in LDR when he was courting. It was during the app process as well, I didn't know.

His special someone returned to PH and I had the chance to meet her--gosh she was awesome and so mature. I was insecure and I knew that I could never surpass such a great girl like her. They dated and loved each other. Meanwhile, I was there in the background, still his friend, liking him from afar.

Years passed, I eventually met my boyfriend who I really loved so much. But the process wasn't easy for I had trust issues and inferiority complex. Since, my friend who had a girlfriend at that time and still my go-to person for everything, I consulted him first before dating whether this new guy was sincere and serious about me. He said yes, go for it, and assured he would be the back-up in case this guy would play with me and broke my heart.

The new guy then became my bf at that time, and I was really happy. I was so in love with him. Although I was committed, I still continued being friends with my friend, no feelings involved but retained my genuine friendship with him. The calendar kept changing, I graduated, he stayed in the university; we became busy and occupied with different paths we were going to. Our closeness had faded through time. We weren't talking like what we used to before.

One fine day, he messaged me, crying. They broke up. He really loved that girl but life is fuck and things happened. I consoled him. Be there with him as a friend. I offered my time and listened to his broken heart. I was still with my bf that time and my bf was aware with me consoling him. I didn't hide anything and I always reminded him, he was my friend first before I met you. It never became an issue for us.

If we had time, but not frequently, my friend and I would hang out and catch up, either with a group of friends or just us. I vividly remember when we watched a movie together, Inside Out, and I cried because of a scene, and there he was, he tapped my head. I was comforted. It was the familiar feeling of home.

I used to rant with him my relationship issues, like how bastard my bf was, and how he didn't give me time. My friend was still single at that time so he would always tell me to "hang in", "hold on" with the relationship. If you really love the person, save it before it's too late, his always advice.

He really was a kind-hearted guy, a loyal one, a hard to find guy. Those were his images to me. He was always available for me (or maybe he just had so much spare time). One time, during the hardest time of my relationship and a near breakup, I broke down and cried and cried, I really didn't know what to do. I texted him at 11pm and asked if he could meet me. We met at 12mn, he stayed with me until morning in a resto-bar and listened to all my never-ending repetitive stories.

The year before the break up with my bf, my friend asked me many times if we could hang out to which I refused because I didn't want to be swayed by my feelings. I knew back then I was so vulnerable at that time with my love issues. I was thinking, one trigger and I could fall in love with someone who would show a little kindness to me. I refused to go, gave many excuses, ditched him. Eventually, my boyfriend for 4yrs who is now ex and I broke up. The pain was excruciating. I was so devastated.

Months passed, I contacted my friend again. It was his birthday, I greeted him and asked how he was. He said he was doing fine. Then I told him about my breakup, cried at him, and he virtually comforted me. I asked him if we could meet. He said he couldn't.

We continued to exchange conversations via chat, and always, when I asked if we could meet, he would answer me he couldn't. Then one time, as I was back reading our conversations before, I read the plan he told to work abroad which didn't matter to me before and which he never brought up again as well.

It turned out, my friend wanted to hang out before because he wanted to say goodbye. I, who didn't know anything,  was busy making excuses to not go and meet him. And what was more heartbreaking was he flew away 2 days before my ex and I broke up. Regrets. I should have been honest with myself and met him.

We continued to talk despite the distance. We would talk anything from all my worries and fears, to psychology, to nature, to reminiscing our college life, to love stories and heartbreaks, to passions and aspirations, to ideal partners, to marriage and adulthood, to anime and movies, to politics, to insecurities, anything. I love talking to him--deep, diverse, substantial, genuine.

He retained as my one-chat-away-go-to-person every time my painful heartbreaks were attacking me due to flashbacks. I used to cry to him virtually almost every day and told him repeatedly all my painful memories with my ex and in life. He patiently listened to me and he never once complained. He was always there. Gradually, I started putting my life back again. And he was really a big part of why I handled those dark times and returned back to my sense.

Consequently, because of the pain my ex inflicted on me, I created an idea to work abroad as well. I wanted to go with him but my line of work isn't needed in the country where he is currently in. So, I continued my plan that was put on hold because my ex didn't want me to work abroad. I tried to use my own wings again, wishing to fly high.

A year later, we planned to meet. Him being his first vacation to PH while me before flying away from PH. Technically, this will be our last chance to meet personally and I was really looking forward to seeing him in person and confess.

The day finally came, we met, I gave him an appreciation letter, I baked him cupcakes. We talked and catch up. He stayed in PH for a week. I composed messages, wrote it down, rehearsed it repeatedly on my head. In the end... I never had the courage to say my true feelings. I was waiting for him as well, maybe, he would tell me anything. But, nothing had been uttered. We parted ways like we used to do.

Fast forward, I am already here while he is still there. Before I actually came here on the country with a 6hrs time difference from him, I was aware of the possibility of really not having a chance to be with him. At times, I was thinking, what if I didn't go here, what if I stayed in PH. Sometimes, I was wishing to migrate there as well and follow him. My mind was full of hopes and maybes, but in the end, as usual, I didn't do anything and just let fate decides our story. Even so, we stayed in touch and remained friends. We both didn't trust LDR, we clearly told that during one of our hundred conversations, but still, his usual "kamusta ka" would make me look forward to a convo which sometimes last for sleepless nights. Deep inside, I was really happy, creating plans in my head that, one day, someday, I would be able to confess to him. That I liked him since the beginning--in college--where we were orgmates until now, seven years later.

But the smile on my face became sour one day. The usual "kamusta ka" led to a bitterness and regret that I would be bringing maybe until I die. He met someone, although not in the most ideal way for the girl had bf that time. Eventually, they liked each other up to date. He told me everything, I was so disappointed with him. Hopes scattered away all broken. Lost trust with guys again. I cried and cried and felt so betrayed. He repeatedly apologized, but I asked him, why? Because technically, we were just friends. Both of us were afraid to lose our friendship. We had a deal that if we were still single 10yrs later, then we would end up with each other. But, no one dared to take risks at that present time, throwing "us" to fate and destiny. Also, I really don't know if he felt the same way to me for he never said it clearly. Lastly, there was never an us. If only I confessed.

I now have a boyfriend whom I met here and I am happy with him. On the other hand, he is still with the girl he met there. We are still friends, although it is not like where we used to before. But I am still happy that he found someone who could make him happy. I always pray that before--even if I am not the girl who he would be ending up with, I hope he would be happy. He deserves to be happy. And yes he is.

Although we have different paths now, I am still thankful to him and he will always be my greatest "What If"

"Was there a  lifetime waiting for us in a world where I was yours?" :)


♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

A Confession Before Sunset

While looking at the sun, calmly, setting down slowly, I felt a kind of sorrow from within. Watching the reflection of its rays on the water flowing enthusiastically, but doesn't know where it should be heading to.

It is like me. The water--just flowing anywhere it could be.

I feel so empty.

My friends and colleagues are already licensed doctors, lawyers, psychologists, engineers, or any goals they wanted to achieve when we were young.

But, here I am, sitting, looking at the reflection of the sun on the flowing water, still figuring out what I really want in life.

The emptiness that is building in my core; feeling like I am doing a worthless job and this isn't really my passion. Yes, I am blessed to have this job especially in this time of crisis; but I can't help but feel something is rotting inside of me keeping me empty, hollow, lethargic.

Looking back, I was so idealistic. Now, I fear that day by day, I am beginning to lose the sight of what I was aiming for.

Farther and farther, I feel so lost.

I feel that I am left behind.

The other friends of mine are already settled, stable, married, with kids.

Meanwhile, here I am thinking what am I gonna eat for breakfast.

I feel so lost.

I know I should not compare, but I miss having dreams, hoping to pursue, wanting to achieve.

When I left the Philippines, I told myself I would use my idle time here to study Engineering, Law, or Psych, so when I go back to PH, I would enroll again.

I would just save money here then I will come back.

But looking at the current situation in my home country, do I have a place to go back to?

Everything is so messed up--from politics to plans to hopes and dreams

I am messed up, but at least I have you.

I am always insecure thinking I ain't good enough and am not that intelligent compared to others.

But maybe, I don't really credit myself for my achievements and for reaching this far.

I always doubt myself.

I always feel lost.

I always think that I am up to no good. That my time will pass and long before I realize, everything will be too late.

But thank you, for believing in me.

And to all the people who've always been my rock. Stable, keeping me stronger, no matter how hard I flow everywhere like water.



♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Tonight, I can write the saddest lines.

"Kamusta ka na?"

This is our common greeting every time months passed that we haven't talked to each other. A conversation starter that sometimes lasts for hours, or even days. But, today was different. The line we, or maybe just I, usually look forward to reading in my chatbox became the saddest line to be told.

I don't know how to start this narration for I am lost for words at the moment. I really couldn't understand myself especially this feeling I have right now. But one thing I know, I just don't want regrets in my life.

Before I actually came here, I was aware of the possibility of really not having a chance to be with you. I know for a fact that I don't know what I am doing with my life so I might as well don't act upon this feeling I have for you. I actually don't know exactly what is this feeling for I am afraid to hurt you if I figured myself that I don't actually like you. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose a friend that stays in the end.

But here it is--you told me things. I was feeling okay at that time especially when you told me what you did that was so ironic to your values--to my values. It was my usual self-righteous persona that tells people their deeds are not right and make them realize their wrongness. It will always be like this, I think, no matter who the person I am talking to, even if it isn't you. But then, when things sank into me,  I began to wonder, was that the right thing to do? Just to let everything happens without doing anything.

So here it is now. I still don't know what to say but I want to try to utter words just to hear me out. This might be the last chance I have for you to reach my words so I want to do it even though it's hard. Truth to be told, I was really feeling okay that time, I was just so disappointed to you because I knew you were so different from any other guys I know, but then, like any other else, you were the same. Hours passed, still shocked; I was just doing my daily routine, then it came to me, "oh wait, why am I feeling a bit hurt?" It hit me. It will never be the same again.

The reason why I don't want to say anything regarding my feelings towards you is because I, too, am not sure about that. I don't know if I am just in love with the idea of love and you are just there who are always by my side when I need you the most. I am also afraid that "us" will not work if we pursue the idea of being together provided that we don't have the chance to meet in person. More importantly, I am afraid of the thought that maybe I would be using you as a rebound just to forget the pain my ex inflicted me. You don't deserve that; you're too kind to get hurt. You were too precious for me, and I didn't want to play with your heart, might as well risk our stable friendship. Those were my thoughts on why I was holding back.

And now I don't know what to say. Hahaha. Too bad I'm lost with words were in fact words were flooding me before I decided to write these thoughts. But somehow, writing these here is my serenity. That I got to be honest with myself once more, and the next right thing to do is be honest with you too. I don't blame you for doing that or falling for other girls (except the fact that what you guys did were wrong). I mean I could fully-fledged support your happiness if it starts with the right process and correct manner. I really am rooting for your happiness, and I understand that proximity matters in relationships. I also don't know if you feel the same way towards me, but, maybe, just to console my soul for having another regret in my life, I just want to be honest with you. So brace yourself~ I don't love you yet, but I like your soul. It is always like that. And if we are really not meant to be, then it is fine for me. I just wish you happiness in life.

You know what, I was looking forward to our Japan trip next year. I had plans to actually confess these things to you. Actually, I would like to say these to you way before our first meeting last April, but then I was just afraid that I would be the one to break my promise knowing I had a major transition in my life. Maybe, I would meet someone and because of vulnerability and homesickness, I would lie to you and break your heart. And I wasn't really sure of what I feel that time. I know I am loyal and I would not find another guy when I am in a committed relationship but who knows what happens--that's what I thought. I don't want to disprove myself. Then again, it resurfaced. I planned to gift myself a peace of mind and confess everything to you on my birthday, unfortunately, I was really sad that time, my visa got postponed and I didn't want to add another problem in my mind. August came, some people were chatting with me and asking for my whereabouts, that was when you stopped messaging me. I promise myself never ever to bother you again. I thought, "how come other people are worried about me, but then, you who know what my real situation is, never ever bother to ask if I'm doing okay." I convinced myself, maybe I wasn't sure about my feelings for you, so I would just let it pass until it becomes a mere memory.

If you're wondering why I am saying this to you now, I don't know too. It is not like I want you to think of it or make it harder for you. I also don't want an answer for I am not asking you--I just want you to hear me out. Maybe, I just thought, even if  I don't say these words to you, if you pursue that girl and become committed to her, I will still distance myself from you. That's who I am. I just don't like to meddle with people, and if I do that, it will still not be the same. So, saying these to you now or keeping these thoughts will just have the same effect I think. You are so oblivious too, giving signs won't do good for you, things should be spelled out just for you to get the message, right? Also, I said to myself before, if there's a good chance to say these things to you, I would grab that for I just want to put an end with these. I just don't like hanging with a dead tree. I want to move forward.

But don't worry, since I already said this (hopefully), eventually, it will get better. Just give me time to heal. It's not even deep like the scars I had before. Mani lang 'to compared to the tears I shed for my last failed love. I hope we could stay friends. I just need this in order to eliminate what if in my life. And I promise you that I will still message you if I cannot handle my thoughts anymore. Please don't ignore me. :)



♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

An indepedent life, they say.

It has been weeks since I arrived here. I am, now, here living abroad. More so, I will be working here, hopefully, when I pass the medical examination. I already signed the employment contract and just waiting for my first day of work and my working visa. I hope everything will be okay, especially the result of my medical which kind of stressing me lately. I am doing well really, except for the fact that sometimes, I miss the people I left in the Philippines.

Why did I go here? It started with the thought of moving on. To move forward without a memory of you, a place where it has no fragment of your presence. Here I am now, surviving my daily life here alone, but, still remembering you. Every meal I cook and the idle time when watching movies remind me of how I spent my life with you before. I am now happy living independently, but deep down in my heart, I wish I have someone to spend my life with--like how I spent my weekends at your home. I would be willing to cook him breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I would be willing to hug him tight when the night's so cold. I would love to wrap him with my body and shower him with kisses while watching our favorite shows on Netflix. I would send him goodbye kisses whenever he leaves for work. When walking in a park, I would happily hold his hands, swinging, while strolling new places I haven't been before, talking about random things. Together, he and I would explore the city, and when we got tired, we would be sitting on a bench, hands still clasped together, while looking with each other smiling genuinely. We would exchange stories, laugh at them, then look at the stars. Oh, how sweet of me being a hopeless romantic.

What is my heart's desire? I ask myself wanting to be vulnerably honest. Truly, I really want to build a career here, but more importantly, I want to find him already. I am not into rushing things but I am ready to know someone deeply. I am trying to connect with people but I cannot seem to find him--I don't feel any special connection. It isn't right but I long for the magic I felt when I met you, the strange tingling sensation in my heart. I want that feeling. I really want to feel that again.

I'm living independently now. I am away from all the distractions. I downloaded all my reviewers for my Industrial Engineering Masters admission and eager to stick with the plan. I also told myself not to be bothered with the past and its encompassing memories. Unfortunately, it's hard to admit though, that I am still trapped from the leftovers of your remembrance. I hope I could completely forget you. I am longing for someone who will constantly be here with me. I am not lonely, I know how to take care of myself, but sometimes, I miss the feeling of someone's taking care of me.

Moreover, I already gave up on the idea of being with my friend. He hasn't done anything, more so to exert effort in asking my whereabouts and if I am doing okay here. I am tired of waiting for him to make his mind and have the courage to ask me out. I'm thinking, maybe, he really doesn't like me at all for if he really wants me, he'll do something about the distance. I am willing to take risks for him--I can conquer my trust issue, risk the long-distance relationship, or even go and fly to be with him. I just want him to make the first move, be assertive, and fight for me. But no move has been taken up to date. I hate waiting. I am tired of waiting for him.

If ever there might have a chance, I would confess to him already, to draw a line and put an endpoint. I just don't like what-ifs in my life and I consider him my major self-condemnation if I just let the destiny dictates our fate. I don't want to regret anything in life, especially the fact that I didn't say what my heart wants to tell.

To wrap it up, living abroad makes your perspective broader. You will be proud of yourself and feel so courageous that you took a big leap of faith and went beyond your comfort zone. Somewhat, I don't regret being here. Currently, I have so much free time until my work starts so I want to use it to introspect and contemplate what I really want in life and how to live with it to the fullest. As a result, the first thing I realized is how I was madly in love with the idea of love and how I am fascinated with the thought of having a lifetime companion. I want someone to consider my home and I am not ashamed of that fact, cheesy or corny if you would label me. I also want career progression and growth, but more importantly, I love the idea of waking next to someone I love, and I want to take care of him and to be taken care of by him. I hope I'll meet him soon for I am excited to share my thoughts with this special person.

Furthermore, I also want to share the two things I've learned this year (to which I've read somewhere but still relevant at the moment):

"Transitions are scary, but necessary if you want to move forward. "

 Also, 

"There is always a breakthrough for every breakdown. Always."

For all the hopeless romantic who is happily living independently but fearless enough to admit that they will be happier when someone's sharing these precious moments with him/her, cheers! Hope we find our better half soon~

Let us all survive but embrace this waiting time, eventually, we will get there, someday. One day.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Maybe, this is the saddest birthday i will ever have

Maybe, this is the saddest birthday I will ever have. I am away from my family and friends whom I love and cherish. Everything is uncertain--I can only just hope for the best. Maybe, this decision is abrupt, but that doesn't mean it isn't right. I just don't know what will happen in my future and I hope that this leap of faith will make a big difference in my life.

Hope you'll become stronger, Banunay. Just please fight your inner demons. Throw your worries and fears.

I know you can make it so stop crying right now.

A big huuuuuuug for you to sustain the remaining time of being alone. >:)<


♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

I hope I made you proud!

Hey, it's me! The one you pushed to become better.

I still remember the night when that dream was born. It was all thanks to you who encouraged me to push my luck and enrolled in graduate school. I still vividly recall, inside the four corners of McDonald's Bonifacio Global City, how we discussed ideas, how we got so excited over our big dreams; and how we shared our plans with each other as well as our worries and fears. You were not just my lover back then, but the greatest supporter and the best cheerleader of my life.

Here I am today. I already reached the goal you helped me started to build.  Last Sunday, I graduated and received my Diploma I pursued, and now, I'm off to greater things--excited to take another adventure. Yes, I am still the same me you knew, aiming for noble ambitious things. But more importantly, I am still me who get things done even without you. Yes, I did it without you!  You've made me stronger by breaking my heart, like what Mareng Regine sings. It is true that nothing can really define the pain I felt when you left me, but because of your abandonment, I discovered the lesson I wouldn't know today if that didn't happen: I can do it myself--with or without you.

Thank you for believing in me way back then. It was because of your trust in my ability that I trusted myself and tried to dream big. It was because of your love that I learned to love myself little by little. It was because of your words that pushed me to who I am today. It was because of the world you made me see that I want to succeed in life. It was because of you.

And today, I can finally say that it is not because of you but for the people who stayed with me during the crucial moments of my life--my family who never asked me what happened, the friends who were there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, and the people who never get tired to listen to my never-ending stories again and again. This Sablay is because of them, for they are the reason why I am still here, alive, and breathing.

Furthermore, this milestone is not at all for you anymore, but more importantly, for myself! Although you were the reason I started this, but you were also the reason why I didn't want this anymore. Yes, it is all because of myself that the dream I once had is now a reality. The credit is mine for being so strong to keep going when everything seems so dark and endless. It is because of my understanding with the need of thyself that allowed me to take a break and stopped being too hard in life. Thus, I really can attest to the effectiveness of the saying, "you don't need to quit, you just need to take a rest/ di mo naman kailangang sumuko, kailangan mo lang magpahinga". I took a pause, went LOA, got INC grade, cried when couldn't hold back my tears--but I didn't quit. I never quit. I thought of ending my life back then but halted myself from ending things. I tried everything to become okay when it really was not okay. Because I needed to force thyself to stop loving you anymore that I learned to love myself a little more.

Look where I am now. I can honestly say, thank you. I can finally say that I am really moving forward with my life--that I am so grateful that I met you and the chapter you once were was already been replaced by a new one.

Thank you for letting me go. This time, I want to see you again and proudly say, this achievement was then because of you, and yet, I did it without you. I hope I made you proud <3


 (c) Gab  Loste

And also, I will be forever grateful to my beautiful school, University of the Philippines Diliman. It was because of UP that I met you <3 Thanks for the memories I will treasure for the rest of my life :)

Padayon, Graduates of 2019!

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

A month to go 'till the major change in my life!

Hello, Awesome!

A month to go before the major shift in my life. Am i ready? No. Am I really sure? No. What will happen next? I don't know. All I have is a little courage, bravery, and hope that everything will be alright in the end.

I decided this commitment last year when I was in pain because we parted ways. I know, that wasn't a really good time to make decisions in life but I already agreed with a friend to go abroad and work there for years.

Time flies, only a month to go before The Day. Do I regret making such a decision? Sometimes. But hey, there is no turning back. Although I am a bit hesitant and afraid, I will be making this big leap of faith. I'm ready to see the other side of the world. Challenge accepted. I just hope I wouldn't regret this so much. Maybe, I will just charge it as a learning experience and ticking off an item to my bucket list.

Moreover, please wish me luck. I will be happy if you also include me in your prayers. This ambitious girl is a month away to take off and leave the Philippines! Let's meet please :D

But before that, I need to claim my graduation picture (yes I will graduate this June finally!) Thanks self for always believing and pushing yourself to limits! <3

Furthermore, because this is a happy post, let me list down all my plans in life to immortalize my wishful thinking. This post will be served as a memento for this hopeful self and remind me in the future that I have so many items need to accomplish and tick off my bucket list ☑.

Wish me luck, punduck! :)

My next targets (i know these will take years but why noooot, poknat)
☑Work abroad (August 2019)
☐ Licensed Organizational Psychologist
☐ A Professor in University
☐ Pursue Industrial Engineering
☐ Become Corporate Statistician
☐ Master Excel and Macro Function
☐ Master in Labor Relations / Human Resources Track
☐ Manager abroad
☑ Fall in love again (October 2019)
☐ Be engaged to someone I love
☐ Get married
☐ Have my own children
☐ Buy a house and make it my home <3
☐ Retirement funds
☐ Take care of pets (dogs and cats)
☑ Own a coffee shop
☐ Pursue passion in photography
☐ Give back to parents
☐ Visit Visayas
☐ Visit Mindanao
☑ Explore Taiwan (July 20-26, 2019)
☐ Explore Japan
☐ Explore South Korea
☐ Explore Thailand
☐ Explore Australia
☐ Explore Russia
☐ Explore Moscow
☐ Explore Myanmar
☐ Explore New Zealand
☐ Explore Europe
☐ Go to USA
☑ Receive a sunflower or yellow-orange roses bouquet
☐ Climb Mt. Apo
☐  Volunteer in Alay ni Ignacio

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

How I Still Haven't Met Your Father

“Sometimes we don’t get second chances. Sometimes things just end.”
(Colleen Hoover, Confess)
artwork by instagram.com/artbaby.r

Should I say it, should I not? I am afraid we'll never meet at one point. We are both afraid to try. Or maybe, I am not being honest in the first place.

And maybe what The Mother from How I Met Your Mother said was right. "I think I have been holding myself back from falling in love again." I'm starting to think everyone has a chance to meet the one--that each of us only gets one. In my case, I already met him and lost him. So, maybe, I'll never gonna find anyone again for I already consumed my chance.

Maybe not, but maybe yes. I am afraid to validate it. So, please, someone, help me forget. I want to trust in love again.

♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥

Ang Langit Ng Kahapon

It's so funny how so many things happened but things didn't really change. I'm still that little girl who's obsessed with time machine, and stars. I still like anime but not as much as i was so crazy before. I wrote this Hula ng Klase nine years ago because our Filipino teacher required as to create a narrative on how we picture our classmates ten years later. Funny how time flies so fast, without realizing, there is only a year left to see how accurate the forecast to everyone. And here what it goes...

I
Twinkle, twinkle, little stars
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky...

Nakatingin ako sa kalawakan ng gabi. Tinitingala ang mga tala sa langit. Kaparehas ito ng mga tala noong gabing iyon. Isang gabi ng paghihiwalay at bukas ay akin na itong babalikan.

Tinalikuran ko na ang pagsusulat ng mga anime at ipinasa ko na ang posisyon ko bilang presidente ng Mikan’s Production kay (1)Miriam Molino dahil alam ko namang hindi niya pababayaan ang kumpanyang aming itinatag mga tatlong taon na rin ang nakalilipas. Isa pa, libangan ko lang ang pagiging “mangaka” at nais kong matutukan ang paggawa ko ng time machine.

Maayos ko namang naisaayos ang inimbento kong time machine. Nakamura pa nga ako sa pagbili ng mga “spare parts” at mga gamit sa paggawa nito dahil na rin sa mga “discounts” na ibinigay ni (2)Rico Vivero, ang kaklase kong dati-rati’y tahimik ngunit ngayo’y may-ari na ng isang hardware at department store na kilala sa buong Pilipinas, ang Ca-Ric’s Hardware.

Siya nga pala, Ca-ric’s Hardware ang pangalan ng mala-“SM Department Store” niyang negosyo. Ipinangalan niya iyon sa pamamagitan ng pagsasama ng pangalan niya at kay (3)Mega-Star Carla Marie Nepomuceno, ang babaeng unang nagpatibok ng kanyang puso mula pa noong kami’y nasa hayskul. Sa kasamaang palad, hindi sila nagkatuluyan dahil sa napikot si Carla ng kanyang manager na si (4)Arjhie Leal at ang dating maningning na bituin ay natali na sa lalaking ito.

Labis na dinamdam ni Rico ang pagkawala ng kanyang minamahal kaya siya’y nagtangkang magpatiwakal. Tumalon siya sa pinakamataas na tulay na ginawa ni (5)Engr. Edimay Jarquio, isang tanyag na Civil Engineer na nakapangasawa ng tambay. Mahuhulog na sana siya sa tubig ngunit may humaharurot na speed boat ang sa kanya’y paparating. Ito’y pinapaandar ni (6)Maria Riza Anna Miguel at hulog ng langit, nahulog si Rico sa mabuting kamay ni Riza. Saktong-sakto ang kanyang pagkakasalo. Habang buhat ni Riza si Rico, biglang may “sparks” na naramdaman ang dalawa at ang kanilang mga mata’y kapwa nagtitigan.

Tungkol naman sa engine, ito ay aprobado na. Ipinatsek ko na ito kay (7)Engr. Cedrick M. Reyes, isang mahusay na mechanical engineer ngunit malabo ang mata dahil kahit suot na niya ang kanyang salaming may gradong 700 ay hindi pa rin makita ang limang pisong barya. Hindi nga sumagi sa isip ko na magiging katipan niya si (8)Abigail Fulgar, plain housewife, ang kaklase ko sa hayskul na kanyang katabi sa upuan, laging nagbabangayan at kapwa walang gusto sa isa’t-isa.

Si (9)Padre Noel Jalmasco naman ang katuwang ko sa pagpo-program dito sa time machine na aking naimbento. Inilagay niya ang mga programs na kailangan ko sa pagbalik sa nakaraan at ininstol na niya ang mga “data” na magagamit ko sakaling maligaw ako sa ibang time-line.

Buo na ang pasya ko. Bukas ng gabi, sa oras ding ito ay magbabalik na ako. Gamit itong time machine na pinangalanan kong Jasmine 101, hindi ko na sasayangin ang pagkakataon. Saksi ang mga tala sa langit. Saksi sila...

♥-♥-♥-♥

II
There’s no permanent in this world
except changes

Taong 2020 na ngayon. Modernisado, industriyalisado at globalisado na ang bansa. Marami na rin ang nagbago: mga kalye, bahay, gusali, hilig ng tao, kanilang ugali, paniniwala at mga pagmumukha nito. Marami na rin ang mga bago: technology, gadgets, robots, anime, bansa, wika, hair style, fashion trend, mga damit, mga sapatos at marami pang iba.

Hindi na bago sa mga mamamayan sa Miliminas (dating Pilipinas) ang pag-aaborsyon. Wala na sa bukabularyo ng mga Milimino (dating mga Pilipino) ang eleksyon. Simula noong umupo sa pwesto si (10)President Olive Grace Abuid Esmilla ay hindi na niya pinahintulutan ito.

Si Dating Presidente Noynoy ang nanalo sa eleksyon noong 2010. Sa panahong iyon, nawala ang kurapsyong umiikot sa Pilipinas. Nawala ang mga malalaking buwis na ipinapataw sa mahihirap at dahil doon, hindi nabayaran ang mga utang ng bansa.

Pagkatapos gumradweyt ni Pres. Olive sa kursong Political Science noong 2015, siya’y pumasok sa pulitika. Nagtuloy-tuloy ang kanyang swerte at noong 2017, dahil sa mga patakaran, pribilehiyo, at mga batas na kanyang isinulong, nanalo siya sa pagkapangulo ng bansa at napatalsik ang kawawang si Noynoy.

Labis siyang naligayahan sa akdang “Miliminas” na aming nabasa noong kami’y nasa ikaapat na taon sa hayskul mga sampung taon na ang nakararaan. Dinagdagan pa ng pagnanasa niyang gawin sa Pilipinas ang nangyari sa Miliminas nang mabasa niya ang sequel ng akdang Miliminas na gawa ni (11)Raymundo Laddaran, isang abang manunulat, makata, composer at dancer na kilala hindi lamang dito ngunit tanyag sa buong kalawakan.

Dala ng umaapoy na pagnanasang maisakatuparan ang mga balak, kasama ang kanyang abogadong si (12)Atty. Nanette Ann Doroja, ipinatupad ni Pres. Olive ang batas na “Democratic Wafackles” kung saan tinawag niya itong “Unang Hakbang”.

Sa batas “Democratic Wafackles,” ang mga mamamayan ng bansa ay may boses na salungatin ang pamahalaan. Maaari nilang sabihin ang kanilang mga saloobin. Malaya nilang gawin ang kanilang mga gusto. Hindi sila maaaring pakialaman ng gobyerno ngunit hindi rin nila maaaring pakialaman ang pangulo ng bansa. Ito ang naging dahilan kung bakit hindi na nila maaaring paalisin sa pwesto ang naturang presidente.

Nangyari ang mga kinatatakutan. Dahil sa batas na naipatupad, ang dating Pilipinas ay naging Miliminas na nga. May mga natuwa ngunit may nagpakita ng pagkamakabayan. Tila muling nabuhay si Simoun, Basilio at Isagani nang mga panahong iyon.

Maraming nag-aklas sa naturang batas. Mga kabuteng nagsulputan ang mga aktibistang sila (13)Rachel Emeterio, (14)Carol Sagun, (15)John Paul Seda at marami pang iba. Nagpakita sila ng husay subalit hindi nakayanan ni Rachel ang pakikibaka dahil siya’y nagkaroon ng malubhang sakit na humantong sa pagiging retarded.

Si Carol naman na noo’y Fashion Model sa Holliwood ay nawalan ng trabaho dahil na rin impluwensiya ni Pres. Olive. Siya’y nag-“hired” ng isang secret agent sa CSI na si (16)Karla Louise N. Cid upang ipapatay ang modelo. Nagtagumpay naman siya sa kanyang balak. Dahil sa pangyayaring iyon, binigyan niya ng tatlong milyong mik, pera sa Miliminas, si Agent KL Cid bilang pabuya sa magandang trabaho.

Isinulong ni John Paul ang demokrasya at katarungan sa bansa kasama ang kanyang napakahusay na abogadong si (17)Atty. Joshell Tuliao. Nasa likod naman at nakaagapay ang kanyang magandang maybahay na si (18)Venus Sediaco Seda na malapit kong kaibigan mula pa noon. Sa ngayon, ipinaglalaban pa rin nila ang katarungan upang ang Miliminas ay magwakas na at tuluyan ng yumuko bilang isang Pilipinas.

♥-♥-♥-♥

III
“Revenge is the greatest aphrodisiac.”

Si President Olive ay isa sa aking mga kamag-aral noon. Laging paksa ng mga bulung-bulungan at laging niloloko. Isang araw, noong malapit na kaming magtapos ng hayskul ay may nangyaring kagimbal-gimbal. Pinatid siya ni (19)Jemmel J. Vale sa paa at tuluyang nadapa. Sa kanyang pagkakadapa ay hindi sinasadyang siya’y nabagok sa ulo at nang gumaling, siya’y naging isang henyo. Natauhan siya sa mga pinaggagagawa ng aming mga kaklase at nangakong maghihiganti siya balang araw.

Totoo nga ang kanyang ipinangako. Siya’y umunlad, yumaman at naghiganti. Binalikan niya ang mga taong nagyurak sa kanyang pagkatao at kasama na roon si Jemmel.

Hindi na nakapagtapos pa ng pag-aaral si Jemmel dahil sa panglaw na namamayani sa isip at puso niya. Natatakot siya kay Pres. Olive. Pinagsisisihan niya ang kanyang ginawa rito. Nagtago siya sa dilim at nilimot ang liwanag. Tinigilan na niya ang pagsusungit sa mga tao at hindi na muling nakihalubilo sa mga ito.

Nagbago na nga si Jemmel. Namayat siya at naging buto-buto. Wala na siyang makilalang tao kahit pa ang kanyang idolong si Kim Chiu. Sa pagdaan ng panahon, mas lalo siyang nagmukhang tingting at nahigitan pa ang pinakamapayat na tao sa balat ng mundo. Nagdaan pa ang ilang araw, tinanghal na siya bilang “World’s Thiniest Person” ng Guiness Book of Record.

♥-♥-♥-♥

IV
“If there is smoke
There is fire”
-Arabian Proverb

Labis na kinatuwa ni Pres. Olive ang nangyari kay Jemmel. Siya’y nagdaos ng isang piging upang ipagdiwang ang kanyang paghihiganti. Inimbitahan niya lahat ng kilalang tao tulad nila (20)Jewel Tapar, may-ari ng CookieLove♥ na isang chocolate factory, (21)Angelwin Advincula, tanyag na madre na tumutulong sa mga mahihirap at nagbibigay ng himala, (22)Marfy Felonia, translator ni Obama III na napangasawa ni (23)Jessa Erica Mores, isang babaeng militar na nakipaglaban sa gera noong 2014, at marami pang iba kasama na rin ako.

Sa dinami-rami ng kanyang inimbitahan ay walang nagsipuntahan sa magarbong pagdiriwang na iyon. Umalis siya sa kanyang kinatatayuan at dali-daling nilisan ang gusali. Nagtataka naman ang kanyang sekretaryang kaklase rin namin dati, si (24)Gilrlie Umerez, kung bakit siya tumakbo.

Sa kanyang pagmamadali ay natabig niya si (25)SPO1 Jonalyn Siso, isang matinong pulis na hindi nangongotong.

“Nagmamadali ako, ano ba! Huwag ka ngang pakialamera!”

“Wala kang galang ah! Wala ka yatang modo eh!” Tugon ng pulis.

Galit na galit na na sinigawan ni Pres. Olive ang pulis na ikinainis naman nito. Maya-maya’y pinosasan ni SPO1 Siso si Pres. Olive.

Nakita iyon ni (26)Adrian Arvin Esmilla, kaklase kong naging isang taxi driver. Tinulungan niya si Pres. Olive na makaalis sa pagkakaposas.

Humanga ng labis si Pres. Olive sa kanya at tila na love at first sight. Ilang sandali pa’y dumating na ang kanyang mga bodyguard. Kabilang sa mga ito ay si (27)Alvin Jan Santos, isa na sanang mahusay na chef kung hindi dahil sa nangyari kay Jemmel, kaya nawalan siya ng pagkakataong makasama si Adrian.

“Buti nga sa kanya! Hindi niya ba ‘ko nakikilala?”

Dinakip si SPO1 Siso at nakulong matapos ang pangyayaring iyon at dahil din dito kaya niya nakilala ang lalaking magpapatibok ng kanyang umaalab at naghihiganting puso.

“Oh! Love is in the Air.”

♥-♥-♥-♥

V
Happiness can never be found
Until we have the grace to stop looking for it.

Masama man at mapaghiganti si Pres. Olive, tao pa rin siya na kailangang mahalin at mabigyan ng ispesyal na atensyon.

Masyadong obsess si Pres. Olive sa pagmamahal. Gusto niya ng isang taong makaiintindi sa kanya. Isang taong magmamahal sa kanya kahit na hindi siya isang perpekto. Nais niyang maramdaman ang init ng pag-ibig at makadama man lamang ng kaligayahan.

Naging henyo nga si Pres. Olive ngunit hindi naman niya nakuha ang kasiyahan. Ganoon pa rin siya. Walang pinagbago liban sa siya’y tumalino. Naghahanap pa rin siya ng kalinga ng tunay na pagmamahal. Sinong makapagbibigay? Walang nakakaalam, wala.

Inggit na inggit si Pres. Olive kay (28)Engr. Kooji at (29)Jennalyn Motegi dahil sa matinding pagmamahalang nangingibabaw sa dalawa. Sila ang aming mga kaklase na ngayo’y masayang hinaharap ang buhay. Si Jennalyn ay napangasawa ng long time boyfriend niyang si Kooji na isa nang Computer Engineer.

Si Jennalyn naman ay isa ng sikat na singer sa bar. Part-time job din niya ang pagiging editor. Kaya nga ng siya’y mabuntis at malapit nang manganak,ay kumuha siya ng maternity leave sa kumpanya ni (30)Jasmine Saro na kanyang pinagtatrabahuan upang hindi masayang ang kanyang magandang trabaho.

Ang ipinagbubuntis ni Jennalyn ay pangalawa na nilang anak. Bagamat nagloko si Kooji bago sila ikasal at nagkaroon ng anak kay (31)Gail Abanes na ngayo’y asawa na rin ni (32)Eric Abaroa, isang mala-“Da Vinci” na pintor sa husay, ay pinatunayan naman niya na siya’y magbabago. Tinanggap namang muli ni Jennalyn si Kooji at pinagpatuloy ang buhay.

Maraming pinagtanungan si Pres. Olive kung paano niya malalaman kung sino ang nakatadhana sa kanya. Kinausap na niya ang kaibigang si (33)Gileen Demapendan, ang Miss World 2016, ngunit wala siyang nakuhang impormasyon ukol dito.

Upang mahanap ni Pres. Olive ang kanyang “the one”, siya’y lumapit sa kaklase naming manghuhula, si (34)Maribeth Montimor. Tanyag si Maribeth sa larangan ng astronomiya at mga zodiac. Dahil sa matinding nangyari sa kanya noong hayskul nang makasalamuha niya ang isang manghuhula at siya’y pinagbintangan, nagkaroon siya ng pagnanasang malaman at maging isa katulad nila.

Sinabi ni Madam Maribeth na ang lalaking para sa kanya ay isang driver na magsasagip sa kanya sa kapamahakan.

Tumayo bigla si Pres. Olive at naiturang, “Thank God, I found him.”

♥-♥-♥-♥

VI
Torn between two lovers
Sharing with a fool...

Tuluyan na ngang nahumaling sa alindog ni Adrian si Pres. Olive. Para sa kanya, ang tinutukoy ng manghuhula ay si Adrian at wala ng iba. Gagawin niya ang lahat makuha lamang ang iniibig. Ang problema nga lang, si Adrian ay mayroon nang sinisinta at hindi siya iyon.

Si (35)Claire Czerny Reyes na aming kaklase noong hayskul ay pumayat na. Natapos niya ang kolehiyo at ngayo’y isa ng nutritionist. Alam na niya ang mga pagkaing masusustansiya at pagkaing matataba. Isa na siyang babaeng tila rosas sa kagandahan at ang babae ring sumungkit sa damdamin ni Adrian.

Mahal ni Adrian si Claire simula pa noong kami’y nasa hayskul ngunit hindi niya ito maipagtapat dahil ang gusto ni Claire ay si Noel. Subalit ng maging pari si Noel ay tuluyan ng nahimlay ang pag-ibig niya rito at nagising ang damdamin na para kay Adrian.

Nalulong sa pagdo-DOTA si Adrian. Napg-iwanan na siya ng aming mga kaklase na kaparehas niya’y mahilig din sa DOTA. Hindi siya nakatapos ng pag-aaral. Nawalan na ng direksyon ang buhay niya ngunit ito’y naisaayos muli ni Claire.

Walang pakialam si Claire kahit na isang taxi driver lang si Adrian. Para sa kanya, ang propesyon ay walang kinalaman sa pagmamahalan ng dalawang tao. Tumagal naman ang kanilang relasyon hanggang sa nakilala ni Pres. Olive si Adrian.

Pinaghiwalay ni Pres. Olive sina Adrian at Claire. Kinuntiyaba niya ang mga magulang ni Claire na ipakasala ito kay (36)Francis Miranda, isang tycoon at may ari ng multinasyunal na korporasyon.

Dahil sa gumanda na nga si Claire ay pumayag rin naman si Francis. Ang dati naming kaklase na pihikan sa babae ay magpapakasal na. Maraming nagulat sa balitang ito lalong lalo na si (37)Maica Jhonalyn Morelos, ang dating katipan ni Francis na isa na ngayong accountant sa Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas.

Labis itong dinamdam ni Adrian. Tinawagan niya ang kanyang kabatak na si (38)Mngr. Rene Diolata ngunit walang sumasagot sa telepono nito. Marami na kasing ginagawa si Mngr. Rene at kailangan pa niyang pataasin ang “stocks” ng kanyang kumpanya. Naiintindihan naman iyon ni Adrian kaya nag-iwan na lamang siya ng mensahe sa asawa nitong si (39)Carmela Celeridad na isang tanyag na manicurista.

Sinamantala ito ni Pres. Olive upang makuha ang loob ni Adrian. Kinailangan pa ni Adrian ng isang psychologist upang makayanan ang kalungkutan. Tinawagan niya si (40)Nicaflor Salvo upang pagalingin si Adrian at dahil nga sa magkakaklase kami ay mabilis na pinaunlakan ni Nica ang kahilingan ng presidente.

Gumaling si Adrian. Unti-unting niyang natutunang pahalagahan si Pres. Olive at noong July 25, 2017, sila’y nag-isang dibdib sa araw din ng aking kaarawan.

♥-♥-♥-♥

VII
It has never been a question of who forgets
But sometimes, there’s a definite
Pain on being the only one who remembers everything.

Nakatingala pa rin ako sa langit. Sinusulyapan ang mga talang nangniningning. Isang liwanag na nagbibigay ng kasiyahan sa tulad ko.

Nami-miss ko na ang mga kaibigan ko. Nasaan na kaya sila. Nasaan na kaya siya?

Si (41)Maritoni Mabalhin ay isa na ngayong artista at malapit nang magpakasal (42)kay Eric Conde, gitarista sa isang banda. Nakita ko sila kamakailan lang kasama si (43)Marjorie Ann Ramores na modelo na ng mga robots. Naghiwalay na nga sila ni Axl na labis na niyang ikinalungkot. Naalala ko tuloy ang nakaraan. Parang kailan lamang ay tinatawag ko pa silang “daddy” at “mommy” noong masa hayskul pa ako. Nakakahinayang ang kanilang pinagsamahan.

Si (44)Aileen Tolosa naman ay nasa Korea na. Haay! Natupad ang kanyang pangarap na makita si Jun Pyo. Tahimik na silang namumuhay ni Tamayo sa Korea kung saan sila’y nagtitinda ng Sushi. Kahit na hindi ganoong kayaman ay nabubuhay pa rin naman sila ng maligaya.

Si ano kaya... si Geneva? Yung matalik ko raw na kaibigan. Ganoon pa rin kaya ang turing niya sa akin? Malamang hindi na. Nasaan na kaya siya? Ang huli kong balita roon ay naghiwalay na sila ni Nestor dahil ang mahal nito’y si Jerizza at nagpakalayu-layo papuntang America. Tapos siya ng Nursing kaya siguro nama’y Nurse na siya roon. Haay! Buhay pa kaya iyon? Alam niya kaya na aalis na ako, na magta-time travel ako. Sa tingin ko hindi niya alam. Hinding-hindi.

Tungkol naman kay (45)Jerizza Pepito, siya na ngayo’y naloka. Ito’y sinabi sa akin ni (46)Liezl Nieva, isang payat ngunit magandang stewardess sa Esmilla Airlines, na malapit niyang kaibigan. Sa dami-rami raw kasi ng kursong pinili ni Jerizza ay wala na siyang natapos ni isa. Sa sobrang katalinuhan niya ay nagkarambol-rambol na sa utak niya ang lahat. Dinagdagan pa ng pangungulit ni (47)Nestor Gonzales, dati kong kaklaseng matinik sa Matimatika na ngayo’y isa na lamang bus driver. Sobra kasi siyang nainlove kay Jerizza at hindi na natutukan pa ang pag-aaral. Napatunayan naman ang pagmamahal ni Nestor kay Jerizza dahil sa hindi niya iniwan ang babae kahit na ito’y isa nang kulang-kulang. Tunay ngang may pag-ibig at masuwerte si Jerizza dahil pinagkalooban siya nito.

“Swhhhhng!” May bulalakaw akong nakita. Uhmm.. ang wish ko, sana maging mabuti ang gagawin ko bukas. Walang maging problema para matapos na ang lahat. Babalik ako sa nakaraan upang maitama ang mali.

Nasaan ka na ba kasi? Kailangan kita ngayon. Kailangang kailangan.

♥-♥-♥-♥

VIII
If you have a chance to take the
moment that you know will be memorable,
grab it. Always think that the word next time is
always too far every moment counts.

“Coma” ngayon si Jemmel at ang kanyang nurse ay si (48)Nurse Jamaica C. Inocencio. Akala ko rati’y magiging maayos siya ngunit palubha ng palubha ang kanyang karamdaman. Hindi lang Anoresia ang kanyang sakit. May nadiskubreng isang virus sa katawan ni Jemmel at kailangang masulusyunan.

Si (49)Prinsesa Princess Mae Ann Abella William, isa naming kaklaseng napakasuwerte na naging Prinsesa sa Britanya dahil nakapangasawa ng isang prinsipe, ang tumulong upang maipagamot si Jemmel ngunit kahit ganoon ay hindi pa rin bumuti ang kanyang sakit.

Isang araw, habang siya’y binabantayan ni Nurse Jamaica, siya’y nanginig. Unti-unti nang kinakain ng virus ang kanyang katawan.

Nais niyang makita ang sikat na pintor sa Japan na si (50)Jhonatan Batingal. May lihim siyang pagtingin dito simula pa noon. Sikat ito sa larangan ng pagpinta ng mukha at katawan ng imahe ng babae at ang kanyang modelo ay si (51)Rizalina Teodoro, sikat na sikat na modelo at tanyag din na bold star sa Japan. Kaya nga ng may pagkakataon ay agad na kinontak siya ni (52)Nurse Karla Vince Evangelio, isang nurse rin na nagbabantay kay Jemmel.

♥-♥-♥-♥

IX
If you need someone
Just look up the sky...
Of course i’m not there!
But remember we’re just under the same sky;
I could never be too far.

Tiktilaok! Tiktilaok!

Umaga na. Hudyat na ito ng panibagong araw. Maya-maya’y lilipad na ako sa nakaraan. Babalik ako sa panahong mauumpog si Pres. Olive dahil sa pinatid siya ni Jemmel. Kailangang gawin ko ito para mailigtas si Jemmel, ako at ang buong Milimino. Kailangan ng magwakas ang kanyang kahibangan. Kailangang matuldukan ang Miliminas.

(53)Ako na ngayo’y isang inhinyero. Natapos ko ang kursong civil engineer at naipatayo ko na rin ang dream house na binuo ko sa aking isip mga sampung taon na ang nagdaan. Noo’y kasama ko si Jemmel na gumawa ng pangarap na iyan ngunit ngayo’y nasa kama siya, nakaratay. Naipatayo ko na rin ang “Barkada House” na pinagplanuhan namin lalong lalo na ang Cola Gang. Pati ang Mikan’s Production ay akin nang naipatayo sa tulong ni Miriam Molino. Ang mga magazine na kinokolekta ko ay kumpleto na ngayon. Ngunit, kailangan ko silang isuko. Kailangang umalis.

Nagpaalam na ako sa lahat, pati na kay Natsume Hyuuga. Tinawagan ko siya ngunit walang boses na lumalabas sa aking bibig. Tila bang pati ang aking mga labi’y takot magpaalam sa kanya. Ayaw ko siyang iwan ngunit kinakailangan.

Siya ngayo’y nasa Japan dahil pinag-iinitan siya ng ating pangulo. Siya ang aking napangasawa. Nakilala ko siya sa Japan sa isang Cosplay ng anime. Sa wakas, nakita ko na ang lalaking aking mamahalin ngunit kailangang ko na ring magpaalam. May misyon akong gagawin at para rin naman sa kanila yun. Sa amin. Sa akin. Sa atin.

Tiningala ko ang langit. Naghanap ng mga tala sa kaitaasan. Nasaan sila? Nasaan siya? Nasaan ang mga kaibigang dadamay sa akin. Tama. Wala sila. Ako ang aalis at hindi sila. Ako ang mang-iiwan at hindi sila.

♥-♥-♥-♥

X
Of all goodbyes, the kind which hurts
The most was the one your ears never heard but your
Heart knew it was already been said.

Engine. Tsek!
Makina. Tsek!

Maggagabi na. Lahat ay nasa maayos na katayuan. Ang mga ito’y nakahanda na at kailangan ko na ring ihanda ang sarili ko. Gagawin ko ito para sa kanila, para sa kanya, para kay Natsume Hyuuga.

Nakikita ko na ang mga tala sa langit. Handa na nga ako, babalik na ako sa nakaraan. Sa panahong iyon...

Kasama kong bumalik sa nakaraan si (54)Rochel Soria, ang kaklase kong naging isang mahusay na Historian dahil kailangan niyang pag-aralan ang nakaraan. Gusto niyang bumalik sa nakaraan upang mailathala ang mga record ng nakalipas na siglo.

“Jasmine 101 ready for take off,” sabi ng makina.

Shnnnggg. Dugudug! Shnnnnnggggg. Dugudug!

“Anong nangyayari? Anong nangyayari?”

“Mag-iingat ka. Mahal ko kayo....”

BAGOOOOMMM!!!!!

♥-♥-♥-♥

XI
Know when to let go and walk away.
If it’s dead, don’t go digging it up every 5 miutes
To check for his pulse.
It’s dead! Just walk away.

Wiyu wiyu wiyu!! Wiyu wiyu wiyu!

“Buhay pa ba sila?”

“Opo Nurse Evangelio.”

“Sige dalhin na iyan sa ER.”

“Rubdub! Rubdub!”

“Tumitibok pa po ang kanyang puso, (52)Doc. Villarta.”

“Akin na ang scissors....ang pump...ang ekstrang dugo...”

“YEHEY!”

“Ngunit paano na itong isang ito Doc. Nasa pangangalaga siya ng mga robots?”

“Nurse Evangelio, tumitibok pa ba ang kanyang puso?

“Mahinang mahina na po eh. Siya po’y nasa pangangalaga ng mga doctor robots.”

“Bakit hindi niyo siya sa akin ibinigay?”

“Naipit po ang kalahati niyang kamay sa time machine.”

“Ano? Si....si....si va...va......yan? “

♥-♥-♥-♥

XII
Don’t try to understand everything..
Because sometimes, it is not
Meant to be understood but rather to be accepted.

Hindi nagtagumpay ang dalawa sa kanilang balak na maglakbay sa oras at sila nga’y napahamak. Dinala ni (55)Jaymelyn Ferrer, isang janitress sa isang park, ang dalawa sa pinakamalapit na ospital. Nakita niya ang pagsabog ng makina at dali-dali niyang pinuntahan ang lugar ng pagsabog.

Si (56)Dra. Geneva Rose Villarta ang gumamot sa dalawa. Ang kaklase na kanyang hinahanap-hanap. Isa na itong matagumpay na Doktor at kilala sa larangan ng medisina lalong lalo na sa puso at siya, siya ang gumamot sa kanila.

Nangibang-bayan ito dahil na rin sa kasawiang natamo niya nang sila’y maghiwalay ni Nestor. Pumunta siya ng America upang mag-masteral sa titulong kanyang kinuha ngunit dahil sa nami-miss na niya ang kanyang ina ay bumalik siya rito sa tinubuang bayan.

Si Miss Karla naman ang kanyang katuwang sa panggagamot. Siya ang kanyang “personal nurse” na tanging pinagkakatiwalaan. Si Nurse Karla ang dating Karl noong hayskul pa sila. Siya’y lumadlad na at nagpasex change sa ibang bansa sa tulong na rin ni Dra. Geneva.

Nakaligtas naman si Rochell sa pagsabog sa time machine. Nagamot siya ni Dra. Geneva. Maayos na siyang namumuhay at pinagpapatuloy ang kanyang propesyon.

Maayos na lahat. Wala ng gulo. Ang kaluluwa ni Vanessa ay nakapasok sa panahong nais niyang mapuntahan. Naisaayos ang mundo, ngunit, ang katawan niya’y naipit sa magkabilang dimensyon. Ito ang dahilan ng kanyang pagkasawi.

Si Pres. Olive ay bumagsak na. Gumaling na si Jemmel at nabuhay naman si Rochell. Normal na ang lahat, wala nang mga gulo.

HINDI KO MAINTINDIHAN! Bakit? Bakit dapat mangyari ito? Ako, ako na si Natsume... ay walang nagawa? Ibinuwis niya ang buhay alang-alang sa amin, sa atin, sa akin....hindi ko maintindihan! Ganito ba ang kapalaran?? Bakit? Hindi ba’t sinabi kong poprotektahan ko siya? Nasaan ako noong mga oras na iyon? Bakit ko siya pinabayaan. Bakit ko siya pinahintulutan! Wala akong kwenta! Mahal ko siya pero wala akong nagawa! Wala ni isa.

Ngunit..kailangan ko itong tanggapin. Kailangan......

♥-♥-♥-♥

XIII
Dreams are what touches are hearts and souls.
A magical memory. The union of fantasy and reality .
The marvel of sounds and the spectacle of lights.
But dreams,
They can be reality too.

AHHH!

Umaga na pala! Nakatulog ako doon ah! Sa wakas natapos ko na ang nobela ko! Yahoo! Maari ko na itong dalhin kay Sir Mark. Haay! Siya nga pala, si Sir Mark Ryan V. Canimo yung guro namin dati sa Filipino. Hahay! Buhay nga naman, biruin niyo, amo ko na? Siya na ngayon ang may-ari ng kumpanyang Markee’s Printing .

Gustong gusto ko talaga ng pagsusulat, ang dami kong naimagine kagabi ah. Haay... nakakatamad... ah..ano ‘to?

......time machine??



 ♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥