I know it's been so long since I last wrote in this blog. I have so many stories to tell to you--emotions want to release, thoughts want to be voiced out, everything~ but but but I don't know how to put those things into words, or should I say, I just don't want to admit that I'm feeling this way. This feeling, I don't know.
I'm not happy nor contented. I'm not even excited that I'm about to graduate in UP. I don't know why I feel this way. I am supposed to feel positive because, after 4 years of suffering and hard work, I made it to graduate.
I am not graduating with honors. I regret it. I know that I have potentials and I know I can exert more effort than what I have given. I settle for less. I did things because those were needed but I didn't give my everything to accomplish those. I took exams without reviewing. Wrote crammed and nonsense research papers. Attended classes late, and worse, cut classes. Came to class with a hangover. Did reports and PowerPoint presentations hours before the actual presentation. Passed papers days after deadlines. Sighhh... I did orgwork first before acads. I gave importance to immediate rewards and happy time than to personal growth and development. I regret everything. I did not balance my time well. Why am I so irresponsible?
I know I can do better. I also know that I should not dwell in the past. What's done is done. I cannot rewind everything and redo things. I should pay for the price because I did not give my best at that time. Everything is wasted. I dreamt of marching with flying colors, but I became airhead, I thought that I can do everything without exerting effort. I really deserve this.
I know I should be thankful because I am graduating on time. But I cannot. The regrets are hunting me. I cannot even smile nor congratulate people who have titles after their names were called. I envy them. I really feel sad whenever I think that most of my colleagues have Latin honors. It is really sad.
The second thing that saddens me is my family. I cannot their presence especially my dad. I know Mama did a lot of things just to support my studies and make me graduate but Papa did nothing. All he ever did was to complain, or nothing at all--he just sits in the corner pretending to think but not. I hate his silence.
My parents are not the expressive type
♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥
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