Doubt.

Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko alam kung itututloy ko ba ‘to o hindi. I know, if i say yes, there will be a lot of changes that will take place. But if say no, will i regret this some time in the future? Hindi ko alam. Alam ko, mahihirapan ako, at nakataya ang studies at grade ko rito. Kaya nga nagdadalawang isip din ako. Pero, ‘di ko talaga alam! I can’t decide. I can’t. Tapos pinipilit pa nila ako, nila, na mga taong hindi ko naman talaga gusto. You know, hindi naman ako masaya sa ginagawa ko. At hindi ako masaya kapag kasama ko sila. Can i ever say no, if that’s what i really wanted to say. Can i ever reject this opportunity though i know it’s worth trying for and will make me a better person. But, i just don’t know. Something’s troubling in my mind. And there’s a thing that makes me say no to this offer. I don’t know what to do.
And there’s more, i randomly read this quote somewhere in cyberspace and it says:

Never forget your reason why you said yes; dahil kapag nagkalabo-labo na ang lahat, doon at doon ka rin babalik. (Galapon, 2012)

And now, i’m lost again. I’m tired, i know, and i need a break. Unfortunately, i must take this summer class to follow the curriculum. Andddd i don’t know if i can handle to study a major subject while involving myself in a military training that will take away sleep, rest, free time and self.
What if i say yes to this offer, kung magkataon, there’s no strong foundation to hold on. Because in the first place, i didn’t truly want this opportunity. I’m not happy. Second, i can’t find good reason why would i commit myself to this. I mean, oo, kaya ko lang namang gustong sumali ay dahil ayokong mainggit pagnagkataon. Ayokong mainggit. I know, it’s a sin. But it can’t be helped. That’s me. I want to experience everything. I want to experience every people’s experience. Buuuuut nooooow, i don’t know what to do. Please, someone, help me.

Kapag pagod ka na o kaya kapag nahihirapan ka, balik ka lang sa reason kung bakit mo tinanggap ito. (Bathan, 2012)

And yes, i’m tired. I’m tired of deciding. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of talking to YOU. I’m tired of seeing you, face-to-face. I’m tired of hearing your voice and your nonsense. Yes, I’m tired and i don’t have any reason to look back. I guess I really am just confabulating things. :(((