It is so hard to live like this these days.
Just a little trigger and I will burst out. I pity the
people who can’t handle me. I am guilty of how I can hurt others just by
existing. I know that I could not manage my emotions well and that I am so
afraid of people getting in touch with me, for I might become a monster in front of
their eyes. All I have are boundaries, which I couldn’t even lift up to those
who want to get through. And, I am apologetic to the friends who needed support right now for I cannot give what they need. I cannot give what I don't have. I also need it, actually.
Having this chaotic mind, sometimes, I just want to cut
ties. I want to dissolve into the air so nobody could take notice of me
disappearing into this world. I want to disappear like bubbles, nothing will be
bothered by me popping out in the air and exiting the mundane humanity and just
become a tiny particle of gas. I want to isolate myself or get the cloak of
invisibility so no one will find me. I will just soak myself into sorrow alone,
peacefully. It doesn’t matter if I will become alone in the end, but at least I
will not get exposed to others of what chaos I can be. I don’t like it either. And I know
I could not ask for understanding for it is really hard to comprehend me who
doesn’t know how to comprehend herself.
Being the monster that I am, I sometimes want to end my life
so no one will get hurt because of me. If I die, I would no longer be bothered
by the pressure of obligations and responsibilities that the world seems to give
me. I would no longer be having anxieties about what will happen in the future.
The overthinking me will be living peacefully for all these negative thoughts
would come to a halt. Oh, how I wish I could just disappear, leaving all the
painful memories. Oh, how I wish everything was a snap of the fingers that all
the pain will just disappear immediately. Oh, how I wish.
Year by year, I am just surviving by just pushing myself to
keep going. I tried to mingle with other people, meet strangers, do the
things that I like, engage in sports, go to new places—but why does this
demon inside me couldn’t be tamed? Why is it knocking and popping randomly? Could you
just let me live? I am trying to be kind, yet a little trigger would burst your
flame making you roar inside.
It is so hard to live like this these days. Especially during this pandemic when everything seems so unpredictable and unstable. You couldn’t publicly complain as well because you still have a better life than others, yet you fake yourself for being happy for what you have. You wake up each day feeling empty waiting for the day to end. You tried so hard to make yourself fun but it always goes back to being you—the toxic being that you are. I am trying, please, everyone. Can you feel that? Please don’t judge me by being like this. Please let me live in isolation. I don’t want anyone to be hurt because of me. I don’t want you to be dragged to this stupid world and be trapped inside my walls. Soul crushed like mine, wounds won’t heal even when I gave them time.
When you think positively, good things will happen. This is what they say often. I do that too—and sometimes it works. But for every little good thing to happen with me, it would be followed by sorrow and darkness that makes me fearful of having good things to happen. It is like gravity, for every rise of my feelings, eventually, it will fall two-folds accelerated against the ground. Pieces by pieces would be broken into tiny parts.
♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥
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Hello, sana ok ka lang
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