Weeks before, I was so sure that I would let him go. He needs someone better than me, he wants to explore his youth, he wants to try everything before he settles down. Actually, I don't really know, I just come up with these explanations based on the hints he is giving. I don't blame him for that. I know it hurts to hear the truth but I really value honesty. And it's really good that we encounter this before he decides to settle down with me (which I don't know if will happen or not). At least, before we tie the knot, he gets to realize everything before he commits to something bigger--that's what I thought.
It's almost three weeks, and I am still in pain. I haven't talked to him yet. I am still in the dilemma of whether to choose to let him go or become a martyr and fight for my love. After all, would I give up the man of my dreams just like that? Maybe, this is the last straw before we end up together? Maybe this is just a phase for him so he'll become sure of me?
But the overthinking me and all the unanswered questions are really killing me every day. I used to cry every day. But, today, this Holy Week, where I get to see the movie Siargao, I am now sure that we really need to talk. I really need clarity about what is really going on in his head. I want to know if he has someone on his mind that's why he doesn't want me anymore, or he really just needs space because we were together since 2014, and maybe somewhat, he misses himself or his time alone. I don't blame him at all, for somewhat, I became dependent on him, I cling to him, and I longed for his presence. Maybe I cling to him too much, and he was choked by my love. Maybe. I really don't know.
That's why we really need to talk. Yes, you, my dear. We need to talk to settle all these issues. So, I will stop blaming myself for what I've done or what I think I've done. We need to be clear if you really need space or you want to really end our relationship forever. Before, I don't really agree with the idea of "space", I think it's just prolonging the agony of someone which will lead to break up in the end. But now, I don't know, maybe to console myself, I just want to think that you really need space because you lost yourself in our relationship and you want to be sure that I am really your "The One" before you settle down.
Actually, as of the moment, I really want to save this relationship. I want you to remember why you loved me if ever you forget the reasons. I want you to know that I really love you and I can see you with me in the future. I want you to remember the days that I really treasure the most. I want to tell you everything, that even a boring day for other people means so much to me. I want you to know that I tried to forget you, and I am still trying to, but in the end, the memories are flashing back even before I knew. I went to Coron, Palawan, I traveled and went to places I've never been, I tried to do the things I love, but no matter what I do, or how beautiful the place is, I still long for you. It's you I want to be with. It is you that I love. So don't ever think that you cannot give me what I want or you cannot accompany me to the places I want to go to, because, everything doesn't really matter to me without you. I cannot lie to myself, it is you that I want. You are my home. And I don't want to have regrets in my life that I let you go away from me without doing anything.
But, I don't want to force you. If you don't love me anymore, tell me. Tell it to me directly. And I will let you go. I really love you and I cannot see you suffer because of me. I don't want to give you pain. I want you to be happy, even though I am not the one who gives that to you. You are my happiness, and if I am not yours, then I will set you free. Love is selfless, yes it is. I don't want to be selfish. But, before I let you go, I want you to know that I am here; that I am the one who stayed with you through thick and thin.
You know what, the grasses are always greener on the other side. So maybe, you're just longing for a perfect relationship, but in the end, you end up looking for a non-existent thing. Because love, my dear, is a choice, and a commitment. You need to choose what you love and love what you choose. Love is real, and in reality, there is really no perfection. That's why I stayed with you because even though you cannot give me 2 out of the ten things I need, you give me the remaining 8 plus the familiarity and assurance that you love me. But, maybe I need to stop choosing you now because, in life, you cannot always choose someone who doesn't choose you.
I cannot forgive you because you left me when I am still searching for myself. I waited for you to be successful, to where you are right now. I chose to stay with you even if it was painful. I cared for you even in the darkest moments of your life. And yet, you left me. You didn't stay. You said you would wait for me--but where are you now?
However, I don't want us to part ways with this resentment. After all, you gave me so many good memories to remember, that is why it's hard for me to let you go. So, maybe, when the time comes, when we can face each other and talk, I can really tell you everything I want to say. And I hope you can feel my overwhelming love, just for you. I can give everything to you; I can also give up everything for you, even if it is my own heart.
Every day is painful just so you know. But, I don't blame you. I don't want to blame you.
"Imagine if buhay natin may reset button, just press reset. Then one epic wipeout lang. Gone. Burado lahat." - Diego, Siargao Movie 2017
I hope I could really reset everything, not to erase the memories, but to experience all the happy memories and to correct the things I've done that hurt you.
And, I hope, I was once your happy memory.
Because to me, you are and will be, forever, my happy memory. Always.
I can still remember yesterday
We were so in love in a special way
And knowing that you love me
Made me feel, oh, so right
But now I feel lost
Don't know what to do
Each and everyday I think of you
Holdin' back the tears
I'm trying with all my might
Because you've gone and left me
Standin' all alone
And I know i've got to face
Tomorrow on my own
But baby
Before I let you go
I want to say I love you
I hope that you're listenin'
'coz it's true, baby, oh yeah
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do
So before I let you go
I want to say "i love you"
I wish that it could be
Just like before
I know I could've given you
So much more
Even though you know
I've given you all my love
I miss your smile, I miss your kiss
Each and everyday I reminisce
'coz baby it's you
That i'm always dreaming of
Letting love go is never easy
But I love you so
That's why I set you free
I know someday, somehow
I'll find a way
To leave it all behind me
I guess it wasn't meant to be
But baby
Before I let you go
I want to say I love you
I hope that you're listenin' 'coz it's true, baby, oh yeah
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do
So before I let you go
I want to say...
So before I let you go
I want to say "i love you"
♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥
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