Here's to the journeys of highs and lows

I started my 2019 in a good mood. I woke up at a friend's house and ate my favorite spaghetti. I felt awesome, physically, mentally, and psychologically. It was different from the everyday routine where I criticize my looks nor panicking because of time (I need two hours of travel time to go to work). At that moment, I embraced every aspect of my life, acknowledged my shortcomings, and planned how to improve myself and reach my dreams.

As I was lying on a bed while having my facial treatment, I contemplated it. I asked myself, "Where do I want to dedicate my life to?" "What sort of problems do I want to solve?" "What do I really want?" This is my silver year and the quarter-life crisis has been so eminent that one cannot ignore its existence. I am reminded of my idealistic younger self. Dreams flash in my mind; hopes are overwhelming to the point that I am excited to whatever awaits me. Indeed, I am scared, but when I picture myself living in a dream that I imagined, I couldn't help but become impatient and rush things. Truly, some moments may seem to drag and I often ask myself, "why can't I just jump to the future?" Time is really slow; I couldn't wait--I want to go outside the box. I am not saying I have figured everything out already but one thing is for sure, I won't change. Yes, I want to change.

I was anxious that I could not live my life to the fullest. I was furious to the fact that I am reaching my quarter-life yet the plans I set when I was young have not been met. I blamed everything, including the circumstances I have been. I thought my life was slowly progressing, and I was left behind. I was not happy. I struggled. I had so many aspirations yet my mind couldn't cope up with the pace. Everything was chaotic and I couldn't focus. I paused. Breathed. I  uttered, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. So this year, I made peace with the fact that even if I am not happy, I am growing--that small steps are still progressing. I learn to play the game of life with a mindset, 'one step at a time.'

Looking back, I thought I was really ready to settle anytime. But the happenings made me realize that I am not--that I still want to fulfill my childhood dreams; that I still want to go to different places; that I still want to buy things for myself and my family. Maybe, at that time, I felt the need to chase his pace just to cope up with his maturity and age. Now, the time has come to deal with things on my own. Nevertheless, it helped me go back on track, to ask the crucial things "Am I learning?" "Am I growing?" instead of "Am I loved?"



 ♥ ☺ ♥ And that what life brings. ♥ ☺ ♥